March Madness

Oops! I definitely meant to update my blog in March because I told myself "Ok, you need to update at least once a month." Fail! I'm close though, right? March was insanely busy, but fun, so I really didn't have the time!

First off we had an awesome day on March 7th! We started off at Alero in DC, having margs for happy hour and a few other delicious drinks. Then we went to The Brixton and drank on the roof top bar for a little bit, but it was so cold so we eventually went inside. After that we went to see Jim Bruer at the 930 club!! It was soooo funny, I've never laughed so hard in my life! What an awesome day!

2 days later we went to the Caps vs. Penguins game! I'm not a huuuuge hockey fan, but I did enjoy it. And afterwards we had some drinks at Clyde's:-) I wasn't up for too much drinking considering the day before was the St. Patty's Day Parade in Annapolis and I drank entirely too much. The surprising part was that I didn't eat the entire time I was drinking until last minute at around 11pm! That probably wasn't the wisest decision and I definitely felt it! But hey, I suppose it's better than the drunk pig outs I usually have!

On St. Patty's Day I went to the Irish Channel and hung out for a bit, but I had overtime that night and worked the next day, so I couldn't really party hard.

Then, the day finally came, my birthday! 26... yay... I really didn't want to get older, but it's inevitable, so I tried my best to enjoy it. We went to Atlantic City and had a great time. Spent the day at the pool bar getting way too drunk before dinner! It was so fun. The margaritas were STRONG and awesome!

After taking a power nap we got ready for dinner at Amada. It was in Revel hotel so we took a quick cab ride over there and headed in. WOW. SO amazing! It's a Spanish tapas restaurant and it was so awesome. We decided to do the Chef's Tasting Menu where they pick the plates for you! It was really exciting and a fun surprise every time they came to the table, which was a lot! The food was delicious and so unique. I loved every bite, especially the dessert! Not to mention our server was the best one I've ever had. He was absolutely great!

On March 28th I FINALLY took the plunge and bought a BRAND NEW 2014 Ford Fusion! I needed it so bad! My blazer was falling apart and sounded like it was going to break down at any minute. So I ventured out and purchased this beauty. I am in love with it!

At first I was going to get the basic version, but of course I ended up seeing the one with the appearance package and I couldn't resist! It has so many sweet options! Every time I sit here and think about it, I'm like "Is that car really mine?!" I've never, ever had something so nice in my life before. It's just so surreal!:-)

The following day was my Mom's birthday! I love that our birthdays are so close together. Not just because it makes it easy to remember, but because it makes me feel closer to her. I am her first baby girl anyways, so it's only fitting:-) Of course for both of our birthdays this year the weather did not cooperate! It was freezing on mine and raining on hers. All of this snow we've had can go screw itself. I've never been so fed up with the winter before! It's insane!

It's crazy that my mom is only 52 yet she has a 32 year old kid and an 18 year old kid! If I was my mom I would have had 3 kids by now! What the heck?? I don't have any and I can't imagine having even one right now! Life is way too fun right now and I couldn't give it up to devote all my time to someone else :-O

I give my mom a lot of credit for giving up so much of her life for us. We were her life. She spent every single day taking care of us, teaching us and helping us become who we are today. I dunno about all my siblings, but I'm happy with how I turned out. In some ways I feel like I'm kind of like my parents, in others I feel like I ended up trying to be opposite of them.

Regardless, we had a good time going out for her birthday. We got Pho and it was pretty delish. Afterwards we went back to the house and had some gluten free chocolate brownies and flan! All made by my sister, Roch. It was so delicious, I had to really hold myself back.

Speaking of holding myself back, I've been struggling a little bit lately. I was on a roll for awhile there. I got down to 154 which is pretty good for me. But after celebrating my birthday for practically a week, then celebrating a new car, and going out for my moms birthday... it caught up with me! So frustrating but I won't let it hold me back from going strong! If I give into these bad days, they turn into bad weeks and so on! That's the issue most people have; they let the downward spiral get to them. I refuse!

And finally, the last day of March we spent in Great Falls, VA. My friend Allison suggested that we go there and I had never been, so we ventured out there and it was great! We went on a day that was actually pretty warm and sunny out. The views were beautiful and so peaceful. Of course we didn't stay on the designated paths. It was way more fun to climb on rocks and be little billy goats!

Matt and I went exploring down this one cliff, it was really steep with lots of difficult rocks to get over, but once we got to the bottom it opened up to this really scenic view of the falls and that lead into a little stream that we had to jump over! It was so cute and quaint! While we were down there we just happened to run into this guy taking pictures with a fancy little camera. Of course Matt being the social person he is, went over there and started up a conversation with the guy.

He showed us some of the pictures he was taking and they were really good. Before we climbed back up our mountain, Matt asked him if he would take our picture, and he did! I gave him my email and he emailed them to me today! The quality is great! I love how they turned out. It was so nice of him to do that for us:-)

Soooo... that concludes my March! It was super busy but very productive! I may not have made any huge achievements weight loss wise, but I know I have definitely gained some muscle. I've been working really hard on getting more toned arms and abs. I definitely see a change in my arms and it just motivates me to try harder. I know if I can get my diet under control then my abs will eventually shine through!

Now that it is FINALLY starting to get nice out, I should be getting my run on way more often. I so look forward to long runs in the nice spring weather. And I really can't wait for my first race of the year! I just hope my knee cooperates with me! It's been acting up a little bit lately from too many squats, so I need to give it a little break:-/

I'm trying to leave the drama and emoness out of this blog! So I hope it wasn't too boring. I know people tend to like the drama, but I'll save it for now. I have been brewing up a real in depth blog in my head though. It's coming soon, when I feel like really letting it all out.

That's it for now! Happy April!

Anna

You Must Follow Your Heart

Well, I totally forgot that January 9th was my "Weight Loss Journey" anniversary. Usually I post a blog about how I started, how the process has been, and how it's still going, because when I decided to lose weight it wasn't just a temporary thing, it was an entire lifestyle change that I now realize will be a constant battle the rest of my life.

So it's been 3 years now since the day that I decided I would try my luck at "The Biggest Loser" competition being held at my old job at Children's Hospital. What did I have to lose? Just weight... or so I thought. But I never went into it thinking "Oh yeah, I'm totally gonna win this things and look so hot!" and blah blah blah. I just figured I'd give it a try and see what happened.

A whole lot more happened than I ever imagined. In the beginning, all I did was count my calories. I wasn't so interested in exercising, considering it sucked! Just walking made me winded. Walking up the steps to the 6th floor at work was an accomplishment for me back then. You gotta start somewhere right? Eventually I realized that if I wanted to lose more weight, I needed to give more effort. I started taking walks. Sometimes with Chief, sometimes without. On days it was really hot, I'd leave him at home because I didn't want him to overheat! I got to the point where I was going on 8 mile walks. I then thought to myself "Why not run?" It would challenge me way more and burn more calories in a shorter period of time than walking did.

I started doing some research and found the app "Couch to 5k" or c25k for short. It slowly introduced you into running by giving you long intervals of walking and short intervals of running. You would run 3 times a week and each week would increase in running to walking ratio. I remember the day that it asked me to run 8 minutes straight. I thought I would NEVER be able to do that. I was so scared to even attempt it, but if you never try, you'll never know. So I did it, and I finished that 8 minutes. And you know what's even cooler? I finished the whole 9 week program. I now thought of myself as a true runner.

I went from running my very first 5k to eventually running the Iron Girl Half Marathon in April 2012. I fell in love with running. The feeling of being free yet in control. Running on streets, dodging people and traffic. Running through woods and along streams. Running 10 miles and getting that second wind to go the remaining 3.1. Running with beautiful music, no thoughts in your mind, enjoying that feeling they call a "runners high"... yeah, there's no better feeling.

Running allowed me time to be by myself, mostly because no one wanted to run with me. It gave me lots of time to think about myself and my life. Where I was heading, what goals I wanted to accomplish, what dreams could come true. Running was MINE and it led me to so many other possibilities in life. I thank couch to 5k and running for saving my life. If it weren't for any of that, where would I be now?

Besides running, I started to do other workouts. I loved Jillian Michael's DVD's. I remember starting off with 30 day shred and feeling like I was going to die by the end. And when I attempted "Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism?" Yeah, umm, couldn't finish it! It was a 40 minute DVD... and I couldn't finish it. How out of shape was I? It's a real eye opener when you go through failures like that. You feel like such a loser and like you're the fattest person in the world. Now when I do that same DVD, I wonder why it was so hard for me to get through a couple of measly jumping jacks!

Slowly but surely I got through that video one day and I felt on top of the world. I felt like anything was possible now. My DVD collection grew and grew. Run, DVD, run, DVD, run, DVD... that's how my life was going. It didn't matter in what order I did it, or which video I did, or how many miles I ran. I just did SOMETHING. Because I knew that anything I was doing physically was better than what I was doing before, which was NOTHING.
I started to develop a love for exercise. It finally clicked in my brain that if I ate less, and moved more, the weight would continue to come off. And it did. Every weigh in at work was another 2 pounds off. I was melting before my eyes and it was amazing. I couldn't comprehend anymore why people thought losing weight was so hard. I was doing it, why couldn't they?

During the Biggest Loser competition, in 3 months, I lost 30 pounds. I couldn't believe it. I not only won half of the cash pot for losing the most weight individually, but I also won the other half for most weight lost in a team. What a big boost of confidence. I was on a roll and I knew I wasn't going to stop. If I could lose 30 pounds in 3 months, how much more could I continue to lose? I was still 200 pounds and I knew I wanted to weigh less than that and look better than I ever thought I could. I pushed on.

We had another competition with similar rules and rewards. I won for a second time. It was awesome to win for doing something that had now become normal to you. This was my new way of life and I was getting praised for it. I couldn't have been happier.

Things only continued to get better from then on out, for the most part. My life seemed so complete. I had a great job in the NICU working with my friends that I loved, I was married to the love of my life, I lived in a house, had a car, a dog, friends, family, and I was on the road to becoming a fit and healthy person. What more could I want, right? I was content.

Maybe when I was fat and okay with it, "content" was a good thing. Content was a feeling I could deal with. It meant I had what I needed... but not what I wanted, or deserved.
Going through the process of losing weight changed that. When you make the conscious decision to change your life, to lose all your bad habits, to stop eating the things you love, to cut back to probably a fourth of the calories you were eating before...
When you choose to workout over going out and having fun or staying in bed.
When you choose to go run after a 12 hour night shift because you know that's what's necessary to accomplish your goals.
When you realize that even if you have to do this on your own, you still march on because only YOU can change your life... Those are the kind of things you go through that make you say SCREW being content. Being content is for the lazy, and I am anything but lazy. I'm a goal maker. A dreamer. A fighter. And I will do anything to make my dreams become a reality and to make myself happy because when it all comes down to it, your own happiness is the most important thing. If you aren't happy in this life, nothing else matters.

I decided to make myself a happier person and go after what I truly wanted. I had been a volunteer at Berwyn Heights Fire Department for 8 years and I loved it. Most people question how you can go and sacrifice your spare time to volunteer. Taking hurt, sick or sometimes violent people to the hospital. Getting woken up at 3:00AM for someone who honestly just needs somewhere warm to sleep that night. Who does that for free? Because the truth is I love it. And I don't mind doing something I love for free. To me it's fun and exciting and I didn't care that I wasn't getting a paycheck for it.

But when you have an opportunity to do the exact same thing AND get paid for it? How could I resist?

The only thing that ever held me back from trying to get hired as a career firefighter/EMT was ME. My weight, my health, and my fear of failure. I knew in my mind that I would never be able to pass the CPAT because of the shape I was in. So why even bother, only to fail? So I never tried. But after a year of strict eating, religiously exercising and losing 80 pounds, I decided that I was finally ready to take on the challenge. I told myself I could do it and that I would finish the CPAT no matter what. And that I did. The day I passed the CPAT is one I will never forget and it was one of the first few steps that would lead to me getting the career of my dreams.

On March 12, 2012 I started the academy and the rest of my new life as a CAREER firefighter/EMT. I was amazed at myself and how far I had come. From a shy, timid, quiet fat girl with no aspirations to a strong, fit, healthy woman with a career in a well known fire department... life was GREAT.
Along the way I had support from lots of people. I had my friends, family and husband cheering me on. I had my consistent blog readers; my fans. I had cheerleaders there for me the whole time and I loved that. Having people that wanted to be updated on my progress was pretty cool. I felt loved, encouraged and supported.

But I felt that this was a lifestyle I was chasing on my own. I was becoming a whole new person individually. With every pound loss and every race ran, I was getting further and further away from my old self. I didn't want to be that same person anymore. I wanted to keep the good parts of me and forget all the bad. Nothing could physically hold me back from moving forward, but emotionally some things kept me at a stand still.
When you truly love someone, you will be there for them. Whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically. When you marry someone, it's for better or worse, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health... Well how are you supposed to feel when someone doesn't want to join you in something that you love? How do you encourage someone to be with you in health, well all they want to do is be sick? You try to hold their hand and take them with you on the path to being thin... and they just want to stay thick...

You start to feel alone in your journey to happiness. You start to feel discouraged and shut down. You question if you're doing the right thing by changing yourself into a better person. Is sacrificing your own happiness for someone else's the right thing to do? That's something I thought about for a long time. When you set out on a journey to better yourself and the person you love is never there by your side to share that journey with you, it makes you feel pretty lonely. When you try to express your new found love and passion for fitness and they don't celebrate in your excitement, it's like a slap in the face.
When you try your hardest to encourage and help and support and you just get shut down every time? It's not a feeling you're sure you can live with for the rest of your life.

Some may say I'm selfish. Some may call me cold hearted or obsessed. You might think I'm too involved in fitness and nutrition and that I let my personal life get lost in all action. Most people can't even understand my passion for fitness to begin with, so how could they comprehend my decisions in life? If you haven't walked a day in my shoes, then you don't know. You aren't in my head and you aren't in my heart, so you will never know exactly how it is to be me. I don't expect anyone to understand me and that's completely okay with me. I'm not asking for acceptance or pity or praise. I'm not asking anything of anyone. All I'm doing is telling my story. Maybe you can learn from it. Maybe it will frustrate you. Maybe it will help you change your life. Who knows.

I did what my heart told me to do. Sometimes it's hard to listen to your heart when your head is telling you something different. Do you play it safe or do you do what's right? If your own happiness means hurting someone else and breaking their heart, do you still go through with it? Most people live their lives worrying about what other people think and not thinking about their own happiness. People will lie to keep others happy. People will go against what their heart tells them if it means being accepted by others. That's not me. I'm done with being a pushover. I'm not a scared little weakling anymore. I'm strong, not only physically but mentally as well and the things I have been through and the pain I have not only suffered, but caused, has helped me to become the kind of person I am today. Like I always tell people who ask me if I regret anything in my past... No, I do not regret anything in my past. I would never change anything about my past because I LOVE the person I am today. I'm happy with myself and my life and if I were to go back in time and change my history, things would not be what they are today.

What started as just a competition to lose weight has become a journey to become a better person. My goals went from wanting to weigh 140 pounds and look "skinny" to wanting to be a strong woman who can perform her job just as well, if not better, than others. I used to want to look "hot" for others... now I want to be a beautiful person in MY eyes. I could care less what ANYONE thinks about me or the decisions I have made. I will continue to live my life the best I can. To makes goals and surpass them.

What started as a dream has become a reality... so I will keep on dreaming.

Anna

Now Years Seem to Pass as We Blink Our Eyes



I feel like I was writing this same exact post just yesterday. Time is going by faster than ever and I don't like it.
As I was looking through my pictures to recap the year, I was getting confused as to which pictures were actually from 2013. I feel so old now. Things throughout the year used to stand out to me. I used to remember what presents I got for Christmas and what I did for my birthday. Now? I can't seem to remember anything to save my life!
Looking back at it, 2013 was an interesting year to say the least. It started out great. The picture on the left was January 1, 2013. We had 2 working fires that day and it was very cool. That's my partner Eddie. My favorite guy who always had my back. Eddie is like a brother to me and I can never repay him for all that he's done for me and for how much he taught me. Unfortunately we aren't on the same shift anymore, so we don't get to work together now. It makes me pretty sad.


I had lots of fun times in 2013. Lots of short trips and fun nights out. During the summer things got pretty care free. I did not concentrate on my diet much. I still worked out plenty, but I wasn't giving it 100% like I could have been, so I definitely put on a little bit of weight. Especially while in North Carolina. Being there for a week and drinking Margaritas every day definitely wasn't the best for me. But I did manage to work out every day that I was there and for that I was proud.

My summer was mostly about having fun, getting tan, and drinking. I wasn't very productive when it came down to it. I did progress in my driving abilities at work but most of that has gone to waste now considering I don't get to ever drive on my new shift. But at least I got to start and get some practice in.

I wish I would have put more effort into relationships and friendships in 2013. I've never been the best at making or keeping friends it seems. I guess I can be somewhat shy. Some people may think I come off as stand offish or bitchy, but I don't try to be at all.

When I left Children's Hospital back in March 2012, I left behind a great group of girls. Luckily for me we continued to stay friends outside of work. We had some great times together. I loved that they made me still feel included in their group even though I didn't work with them anymore.

Unfortunately, it seems that friendships always find a way to drift apart. It's especially sad when friendships end because of rumors and assumptions. Is it my fault? Mutual? I don't know. All I know is that I wish I still felt accepted in some way. I wish I still had my friends to talk to and gossip with. Friends that could listen to my problems and give me advice. Sadly though I feel like I am the biggest thing to gossip about these days. Luckily I still have my select few friends that I know I can always count on and who will always be there for me, through my good times and bad.

As summer started to fade it seemed as though other things did as well. I became consumed in working out, eating right, working and being as involved in the CPAT process as I could. For me that was my outlet. That is where I felt happiness and content. Like I was serving a purpose and I was appreciated.

Maybe I was hurtful or neglectful in my ways. Maybe while trying to better myself and make myself happy, I hurt others. It's hard to know what's going on when no one ever talks to you. When there's no communication, nothing gets changed.

Feeling distant from a loved one is not a good feeling. Feeling like you lost a connection or a bond... it really hurts. When you're feeling lost and confused and you just want someone to tell you the answers but no one is there to listen... that's how I felt. That's how I still feel sometimes. Life can be so overwhelming and sometimes you just have no clue what to do. I never thought that I'd go through the things I have so far at my age. Life has been filled with so many ups and downs. It seems as though through the progress and success I have made for myself, I've hurt others in the process.

When I set out on my journey to lose weight I never would have expected that it would change so many things. I thought that I would look good and be happier with myself. I never imagined it changing my attitude, my personality, my likes and dislikes, and my whole outlook on life in general.

It's difficult to go through changes like that and not be affected emotionally. It's like you're not sure who you are and you kind of want your old self back, minus all the fat. Even though my confidence has gone up from 0 to something, I still struggle daily to accept myself for who I am and be happy with how far I've come. It's also extremely hard to be happy with your new self when the person you are now has caused other people pain. What are you supposed to do when someone loves the old you, and not the new you?

Weight loss is just SO MUCH MORE than losing fat. You have the possibility to lose so many other things, as well as gain things you never thought possible. I didn't imagine myself being the kind of person I am now. Even though I frustrate myself sometimes, I am happy that I stay true to myself, regardless of what other think. In the end I try to make myself happy because I know that is what is most important, my happiness.

Unless you have gone through the same journey as me, walked the same steps as me, in my shoes... then you will never know how it feels to be me. The end of 2013 was tough. It is still tough. Nobody truly knows what I have gone through and what I'm still dealing with. It's going to be a long, tough road but I'm lucky to have some important people in my life who love me and who are there for me.

Even though there are days that I feel my family doesn't love me anymore, days that I feel like I'm a terrible friend, days that I feel like the worst person on the planet... I still push on. I stay dedicated and committed to creating a better life for myself. To staying in shape and being healthy. Whether I continue this journey all alone or not, I will never give up. I've worked too hard and lost too much to ever go back to the old me. That person is long gone.

Just remember when you're feeling down, when you feel like a failure, when you feel alone and like no one is on your side... remember that somewhere, someone else is experiencing something similar. And don't let it deter you from being the best person you can be. Take that sadness and turn it into fuel to push yourself harder.

 

Sad or not... I'll never let anything keep me back from being a better me.

 

Anna

 

 

 

 

From A to B

Alright, so I don't have any pictures for this blog because I've had some phone issues lately and also I'm just feeling kind of lazy. Some of you know that I had a majorly cracked screen on my phone for awhile and when I FINALLY used my insurance to get a new one, they sent me a freaking refurbished phone. I mean really? How does that even make sense. I pay $10 a month to have insurance and it was $170 for the actual phone... why would I get a crappy used one?! Well, I didn't think it was going to be a problem, but with my luck, it was!

I thought it was the Lifeproof case I put on it and that I was having trouble adjusting to it, so I finally took it off only to realize that it was the actual phone screen itself that wasn't working. So then I had to call and they talked me through doing a factory reset, that didn't work so they just ended up sending me a new one - a BRAND NEW one! Jeez. Either way, I ended up losing whatever pictures I hadn't saved since my last sync with iTunes. Whatever!

I'm currently laying in bed having a lazy day because work yesterday was ridiculous. I would end up working on the day it snows/sleets/freezing rains/world ices over... whatever you wanna call it! It was crappy and coldddddddd!
I hadn't mentioned lately, but I recently (2 shifts ago) got moved from A shift to B shift, but I'm still at 32. The transfer was a bit of a surprise and I wasn't too happy at first, but I'm dealing with it now.
I was really sad to leave at first because A shift has been all I've known for the past year and 5 months. I loved my crew, I knew lots of people from A shift in the battalion, and it was just what I was used to. They moved me because I'm technically a "driver" and B shift just lost one of their drivers to another station. So, their brilliant plan was to move me to B, and a non driver from C to A. Kinda confusing, I know. But that's the deal and I had no say in the matter.

I didn't think I would be doing much driving considering the Technician is on that shift, but, to my surprise, I was driving yesterday! My second shift! I wasn't too thrilled with driving in the nasty weather but I'd have to do it eventually, so might as well get it over with!
I drove the truck to a box in Charles county. We never made it, but I at least got to see how that monster handles in the snow. Then we ran lots of engine calls - mostly med locals and crashes. But, at 0130, I wake up to 3 beeps and it turns out to be a first due house fire.
When you get woken up from your sleep like that, you don't even really have time to be nervous. I just had in my mind what I needed to do as the first due engine... which is what I THOUGHT we would be. Turns out 29's engine was literally right down the street from the call, so they ended up being first due.

I won't go into a ton of details because not everyone who reads this is in the fire department so I don't want to bore anyone with my work talk! Either way, the whole call kind of ended up being a cluster f**k and it was a huge challenge for me to overcome. The main thing was that we got water to the first due engine... even if I did have to freeze my hands off in the process of trying to hook hose up to frozen hydrants and what not! That's just part of the job you have to deal with and I know that. Granted I would have loved my first fire (while driving) to be a little more ideal than this one... it was still a great learning experience and now I know better for the next time!

Besides work, things have been going much better when it comes to my progress with eating better and working out. I'm not sure what gave me the motivation, but I just decided that I finally needed to suck it up and get some will power! Food is not everything. I don't NEED it to have fun. I don't need to eat it just because it's there in front of me.
Sometimes I wonder if the way I was raised has anything to do with my eating habits. In no way am I blaming my parents, but just the way we lived... it makes me wonder. My mom would usually cook breakfast and dinner for us. Lunch was pretty much do your own thing. Seconds were never questioned or denied and finishing your plate was a must. We also developed the tradition of McDonald's breakfast on weekend mornings, and Taco Bell after church on Sunday became a routine for our family.

I never, ever grew up with any kind of lessons on eating healthy or exercising. My sister Roch and I were the only ones in our family that ever played any team sports. That seemed to keep us in a decent amount of shape. But diet? My mom wasn't the type to makes "healthy" meals or force us to eat our vegetables. She never mentioned "hey, you're eating a little too much, no need to stuff yourself" etc. It just wasn't a big deal in our family.
It wasn't until I finally decided to start losing weight and I downloaded Myfitnesspal that I realized, WOW, I was eating TERRIBLY! I never realized how many calories are in things. If you don't read the labels on foods, you have no clue what you're putting into your body. It's shocking. I highly encourage people to just download Myfitnesspal and just go about your day how you normally would. Add in all the food you eat and see what your total is at the end of the day. I bet you will be very surprised at how much you really eat!

Back to what I was really talking about to begin with, I've been doing MUCH better. I have been using Myfitnesspal religiously and it truly has helped. As long as I hold myself accountable for what I eat, I can stay in line. It's when I start pretending that I didn't really eat something that it gets to me. That stuff adds up quick. You think you're just having a snack here and there, then bam! 800 calories later...
I can tell a difference already when I look at myself in the mirror. And of course, my main weight indicator, my work pants! They are fitting soooo much better! I love it. I love this feeling of making progress and actually accomplishing something. It feels great to be reminded that hey, watching what you eat really DOES work!

We need to stop being in denial about what we eat. I think that is the main issue a lot of us have. If you don't think about that twinkie you ate, then it's like you didn't even eat it. And that 1 chip that turns into a handful that turns into 5 handfuls. It adds up SO quick and you just don't realize how many extra calories you are putting into your body. Plus, if you aren't doing any type of exercise, then you have no room for error. My daily calorie goal is 1,200. That's with the intention of losing 2lbs per week. If I burn 500 calories, then I should eat 1,700 calories that day. If I burn 1,000 like I usually try to do, then I need to eat 2,200! That's why I workout so much, because I rather have 2,200 calories then 1,200! It is so much harder than you think to eat 1,200 calories a day and feel satisfied. I've become pretty good at putting super low calorie foods together to make decent size meals. I much rather eat pounds and pounds of lettuce and make myself feel full than eat 1 tiny cookie that doesn't serve any nutritional purpose and still leaves me feeling hungry.

Anyhoo! Sorry, I guess that was a bit of a rant, but it was just something I wanted to talk about because I think a lot of people are just totally in the dark when it comes to diet, exercise and calories in vs. calories out. Sometimes I just feel the need to preach a little:-)

This past Saturday was the final CPAT and it made me feel great. It was kind of disappointing in the beginning. We had lots of people failing right off the bat. But towards the end of the day, we were having a lot of people getting through it. I was so happy when one of the girls who comes to EVERY fitness conditioning session, and up until this point had not passed, PASSED! She almost brought me to tears because she was SO happy that she passed. You could see the relief and excitement and ACCOMPLISHMENT on her face! It just brought me back to the day that I passed CPAT and the feeling that I felt once I finished. I had to give her the biggest hug and she thanked me so much for being an inspiration to her. That... that is the thing that keeps me going and keeps me motivated. There's nothing better than being told that you are an inspiration to someone:-)
Another guy shook my hand and thanked me for all my help in the process. Things like that bring the biggest smile to my face.

So yes, things are really headed in the right direction. I just really, really need to keep myself on track this time. I'm feeling great, I'm looking better and my confidence is going up. I'm kind of sad that CPAT is over and I won't be helping out people anymore. It's something that really keeps me motivated and is just another reason for me to go workout! These people are my encouragement and they keep me going! I can't wait for another group to come around.

I suppose that's all I have for now. I hope that this can be of some help to someone out there! As always, I thank everyone for reading my blog. I'll continue to try and update more regularly:-)

xoxoxo,
Anna

Slacker!

This! This is what I need to listen to. It's so true. Once you get the mental/emotional aspect of it under control, the rest is easy from there. Like I tell people, working out is the easy part! I can workout all day, every day and it's no problem for me. It's the eating that gets me every time. The food is holding me back! I know I talk about this all the time, but it's what's on my mind!

It's been over a month since I last posted a blog. A LOT of stuff has been going on in my life that I rather not discuss. It's been very stressful which has not helped the health aspect of my life. I feel like such a slacker and like a disappointment to the people who follow my blog. I like to be an inspiration, but lately I've just been MIA!

I've been at the CPAT workouts a lot lately. I love being involved with that kind of stuff because it motivates me to do better. A lot of the people who come to the workouts really look to me for motivation and I can't let them down. Especially when it comes to the girls, I like being there to help them. To show them that if I can do it, anyone can do it. I've been thinking about bringing in some of my before and afters for the group to see, just to show them how anything is possible if you really want it.

 

 

So, I'm really excited for the holidays to be over. I dunno about everyone else, but I don't like Christmas! It's just an excuse to spend money and buy useless things. Most of the time, I can't ever decide what to get anyone because they're so hard to shop for. Luckily, we started doing secret Santa in my family which helps a lot. Because with 5 siblings and 2 parents, it's just too much to buy! Hopefully I get someone easy this year:-)

 

 



 

Eating will be so much easier after the holidays are over too. There's so much temptation around right now. Obviously for thanksgiving I didn't hold back. I went all out and ate a ton of stuff! Then, to makes things even worse, I worked the next day and it was basically "leftovers day" at the firehouse. I think I had like 5 pieces of pie! Why must food be so addictive, whyyyyy???

 

So I think I need to make some new goals or something. Not weight related goals, but something else. Like lifting goals, or maybe do another challenge. I think I'll do another "no alcohol" month again, just have to pick a month! That's a tough one for me, I'm not gonna lie... I love to drink. I've become somewhat of a wine connoisseur lately and I've just been trying new kinds almost every night. It's a bit of a hobby... not a very good one!

 

 

 

I've been thinking lately, and I really need to change up my workouts. I've gotten myself into a routine and I need to break that. I have a bad habit of always wanting to reach a calorie goal, but it's not really doing it the right way. I always get on the stairmaster for the bulk of my workout, just to burn a big chunk of calories and then the rest of my workout is usually pretty easy, just to get those last few calories off, till I eventually get to 1,000+ calories burned. But I know what I need to do is move more. Move my body and get my heart going the real way, not just by walking up steps.

 

I keep thinking back to when I was losing weight really steadily and what I was doing to accomplish that. Here's what I've decided helped me out the most...

 

1. Waking up early - If I wake up early, like 0800 or so, I seem to accomplish way more, in multiples ways. I think having my body awake and burning calories for a longer part of the day, helps with my metabolism or something like that.

2. Running. When I used to run a lot, I noticed a difference. I think having that constant high heart rate, along with moving my body constantly, it was a good way of burning lots of calories.

3. Eating lots of protein and avoiding carbs. That always helped a lot. It also made me more full.

4. Drinking LOTS of water. I always start with my gallon jug every day and try to finish that by the time I go to bed. It makes it easier to give myself a visual goal like that.

 

Those are just a few little things I found helped, soooo maybe I should listen to my own advice and get back into that routine?? Yes? Haha... except the running. It's a TAD too cold for that right now!!

 

I'm hoping that once it starts warming up I'll be able to start running and really get motivated to look good by summer time. That is my goal... to look good in a bathing suit this summer. Let's give this a try!

 

Alright, well, I'm not in much of a writing mood so I'm gonna sign off. Sorry for the lack of motivation or blogs. For my next blog I'll come up with a challenge and some more goals!

 

Till next time...





You Need Not to Climb Mountaintops...

You need not to cross the sea,
You need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak.
You need not to reach for the stars when life becomes so dark,
And when the wind does blow against the grain,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

When all your friends have come and gone,
And the sun no longer shines,
And the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean's tide,
When all the hard times outweigh the good,
And all your words are misunderstood,
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

If you feel you've paid the price,
And your wounds should cease to heal
And everything you love in life spins like a winding wheel.
If you should wake to find you're abandoned,
And the road you've traveled leads to a dead-end
When death creeps in to play it's part,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

That song... completely heart wrenching but I absolutely love it and have been listening to it constantly. I've always loved City and Colour but I just started listening to all of their older CD's as well and stumbled upon this jewel. It really just resonates with me. It gives me the chills and makes me feel so... emotional. Ugh, I know I said I wouldn't write another depressing blog...

Lately, I have been real down in the dumps. Sometimes I look back at my old life and I miss the freedom I had. Granted, I felt trapped in my fat body, I still had the freedom of being able to eat whatever I wanted and not think about the repercussions. I could go out to eat with my friends or family and not care one bit about what I was ordering. I got to enjoy some real awesome food. Still, at the end of the day I was unhappy with my body and so I decided to change that.

I had no idea that in changing my body, I would in turn change my whole life. It was like a ripple effect. Losing weight and exercising allowed me to have the career I wanted. Getting really into working out allowed me to find my passion for fitness and training. Watching what I ate made me really think of what I was putting into my body and I started learning way more about nutrition rather than just purely calorie counting. Those were all good things that losing weight affected...

I never thought about the emotional aspects it would affect. My relationship with my husband, family, and friends. The way I am perceived by those around me. In some ways people treat me like a celebrity. The fact that I lost 81 pounds blows people away and they just want to know all my secrets. I can never seem to get it through to people though that there are no secrets. People don't want to accept the fact that losing weight takes actual hard work and dedication. They all want the easy way out. Well you know all that fun you had going out to eat? You know how easy it was to stuff your face with cakes and pies and how good it felt to lay on the couch and be lazy? Working your ass off, sweating to death, being sore and wanting to die are not as easy. If it's easy, it's probably not working. Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy...

Even though I know I'm surrounded by people who support me and people who have been there throughout this whole process, I somehow manage to feel so alone. So alone on my quest to be perfect. I know perfection is an unrealistic expectation, but I can't help it. I have some image in my head of what I want to be like and I just cant seem to get there, no matter how hard I try. I've never met someone who feels just like I do. It's rare that I even find someone who likes to work out as much as me. At work I get made fun of for working out. I try not to let it get to me, but when people constantly tease you about working out and crossfit (which I don't even do) it just starts to wear on you. It's also so hard to be the only one at work and at home who lives the way I do. No one is on board with my workout or eating habits, anywhere. I have a few select friends who are very similar to me, but it's different when you live and work with people who are basically against what you do. It makes you feel very alone sometimes.

Not only has losing weight changed my life in physical, social and emotional ways, but it has made me develop some maybe not so good habits along the way. When people hear the words "eating disorder" their first thoughts are anorexia or bulimia. I can honestly say I feel like I have some type of eating disorder. I have a terrible body image and self esteem problem. People see me, and they tell me I look beautiful, amazing, awesome, hot, etc. and that's great. It really is. But I can't seem to accept those compliments. It feels nice to hear them, but deep down inside, I don't believe them. I feel like when people say stuff like that, they're only meaning I'm "hot" "beautiful" or "sexy" in comparison to my OLD self. Not just in general.

I get so frustrated at the fact that I can't lose weight that I just stop eating. For me, it's easier to just NOT eat than it is to try and eat right. And I'm a big advocate of eating properly and getting the right amount of calories and all that. But for me, I feel like I'm struggling so hard to do right and nothing is working that I just turn to starving myself. I would never condone that or encourage people to do it, I'm just telling you all what it's like for me.

I know some people can understand what I'm going through, but there's no one out there who knows EXACTLY what it's like to be me. No one can be just like me, and that's fine. Sometimes I just wish there was somebody around to be proof to me that I will get through this. I know that there will never be an "end" to my weight loss journey. There's no finish line to cross, and that's ok. This is going to be a constant battle I fight for the rest of my life and I think I'm ok with that. Working towards the perfect body gives me the motivation I need every day to keep doing what I'm doing. I hope that in my journey to perfection and through all the harsh times, that I don't hurt those around me. My only hope is to give motivation and inspiration to people who know me or people who have read my story. 

This isn't a cry for help or pity or any kind of sympathy. This is me just putting my life out there for anyone to read. Maybe someone can relate with me. Maybe this blog can reach out to someone who needs to hear these kinds of things.

Life in general is NOT easy... but there are many things you can do to make it harder, or easier on yourself. There's lots of paths you can choose, or you can make your own. Set goals, have dreams and spend however long it takes to reach them... just never give up.

Anna

...And the Streak Ends

As much as I hate feeling like a slacker, or a quitter, I know it was necessary for me to take a break from working out. Between May 27th, 2013 and September 23rd, 2013 I took no rest days. That's 151 days straight working out. I had some days that I didn't do too much, like go for long walks and stuff, because I was sick. But even on our week long vacation in NC, I worked out every day.

My friend Katie sent me an article called "7 Things Really Fit People Do to Stay In Shape" and it had so many things that I could relate to in it. Here is my favorite one that I definitely believe in...

3. They prioritize their health and fitness.

While most people let work, family, social engagements and other priorities get in the way of exercise, really fit people make exercise a priority no matter what.

Yes, this may mean having to get up 15 minutes earlier when you’d rather be sleeping, working out on vacation, or fitting in a workout even when your life seems busier than you can handle. But once you build up the habit, it actually becomes harder to not exercise because you become so used to prioritizing it in your life.

“People who are fit are the same as anyone else. The only difference is their level of commitment.” – Boxing champion Laila Ali

That's exactly how I am. It is honestly harder for me to skip a workout than it is to just get it over with! And that's because I've worked so hard to get to the point I'm at that I will feel so guilty if I miss a workout! It may be hard to get yourself into that kind of routine but it's possible if you really commit yourself.

Here is the link to the article if you want to read the rest of it!

 It's October which means breast cancer awareness month and pink shirts at work! Not gonna lie, I kind of like wearing the pink shirts. It's a nice little change from the every day navy blue.

I took this picture the other day at work and then compared it to my one from last year. I've definitely put on a little weight since then. My weight has seriously been frustrating me so much lately. I so wish that I could just be comfortable with myself no matter what, but for some reason it really gets to me. I just hate how much I go up and down and up and down. It takes me SO LONG to get my weight down to what feels really good to me, then I seem to be able to ruin that in a weekend. It makes me feel so jealous and envious of those people who can eat anything they want and it doesn't do anything to them!

I feel like I've been trying so many different ways and nothing is really working except for barely eating anything at all. I tried cutting out meats, I tried paleo, I just straight up count my calories, etc. and nothing seems to really work except for eating a very little amount of food. Which sucks, because I love to eat:-( If only eating right were as easy as exercising.

I think food is just a really tough thing for me. It's like I'm still a fat girl living in a (kinda) skinny girls body. I love to eat when I'm bored, when I'm out at special events, and especially when I drink. I'm really bad at resisting temptation when it comes to food and especially desserts. If there is some type of dessert laying around at work, it takes SO much effort for me not to eat it. I literally have a war with myself in my head, outweighing the pros and cons and I KNOW that I don't need to eat it, but for some reason I just always give in and then I hate myself afterwards.

I really just need to start working on my will power. I need to be able to just say "No" and move on! If only things were that easy...

So I'm really excited because my gym got lots of new stuff. I tried this cardio machine the other day and I like it! It really burns your quads and I felt in it my butt a lot lol. There's a few other things I haven't tried out yet but I'll get to them eventually.

I'm also really happy because CPAT conditioning sessions are back! I went the other day for the first time and I totally forgot how good of a workout I get when I go there. It's really nice to have a change in routine. I think I get in the habit of doing the same stuff over and over so it's nice for me to have a change of pace. Plus I always workout harder when I know there's people watching me.

Lt. Bussing really holds me to a high standard and always talks about me to the candidates so I feel like I have to live up to the hype! It's really encouraging for me to know that I have people who look up to me and to know that I inspire some people.

So tomorrow is the Avenged Sevenfold concert in Baltimore. We got a hotel room and we're going to go out to eat/drink before the concert. We might go out afterwards too. I'm pretty excited, although I don't LOVE their new CD, it's ok. I'm hoping they play some of their older songs that I love.

Ok, time to go be productive on this gloomy day. I'll try to make my next blog less depressing!

Have a great day!
Anna