So it's been 3 years now since the day that I decided I would try my luck at "The Biggest Loser" competition being held at my old job at Children's Hospital. What did I have to lose? Just weight... or so I thought. But I never went into it thinking "Oh yeah, I'm totally gonna win this things and look so hot!" and blah blah blah. I just figured I'd give it a try and see what happened.
A whole lot more happened than I ever imagined. In the beginning, all I did was count my calories. I wasn't so interested in exercising, considering it sucked! Just walking made me winded. Walking up the steps to the 6th floor at work was an accomplishment for me back then. You gotta start somewhere right? Eventually I realized that if I wanted to lose more weight, I needed to give more effort. I started taking walks. Sometimes with Chief, sometimes without. On days it was really hot, I'd leave him at home because I didn't want him to overheat! I got to the point where I was going on 8 mile walks. I then thought to myself "Why not run?" It would challenge me way more and burn more calories in a shorter period of time than walking did.
I started doing some research and found the app "Couch to 5k" or c25k for short. It slowly introduced you into running by giving you long intervals of walking and short intervals of running. You would run 3 times a week and each week would increase in running to walking ratio. I remember the day that it asked me to run 8 minutes straight. I thought I would NEVER be able to do that. I was so scared to even attempt it, but if you never try, you'll never know. So I did it, and I finished that 8 minutes. And you know what's even cooler? I finished the whole 9 week program. I now thought of myself as a true runner.
Running allowed me time to be by myself, mostly because no one wanted to run with me. It gave me lots of time to think about myself and my life. Where I was heading, what goals I wanted to accomplish, what dreams could come true. Running was MINE and it led me to so many other possibilities in life. I thank couch to 5k and running for saving my life. If it weren't for any of that, where would I be now?
Besides running, I started to do other workouts. I loved Jillian Michael's DVD's. I remember starting off with 30 day shred and feeling like I was going to die by the end. And when I attempted "Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism?" Yeah, umm, couldn't finish it! It was a 40 minute DVD... and I couldn't finish it. How out of shape was I? It's a real eye opener when you go through failures like that. You feel like such a loser and like you're the fattest person in the world. Now when I do that same DVD, I wonder why it was so hard for me to get through a couple of measly jumping jacks!
Slowly but surely I got through that video one day and I felt on top of the world. I felt like anything was possible now. My DVD collection grew and grew. Run, DVD, run, DVD, run, DVD... that's how my life was going. It didn't matter in what order I did it, or which video I did, or how many miles I ran. I just did SOMETHING. Because I knew that anything I was doing physically was better than what I was doing before, which was NOTHING.
I started to develop a love for exercise. It finally clicked in my brain that if I ate less, and moved more, the weight would continue to come off. And it did. Every weigh in at work was another 2 pounds off. I was melting before my eyes and it was amazing. I couldn't comprehend anymore why people thought losing weight was so hard. I was doing it, why couldn't they?
We had another competition with similar rules and rewards. I won for a second time. It was awesome to win for doing something that had now become normal to you. This was my new way of life and I was getting praised for it. I couldn't have been happier.
Things only continued to get better from then on out, for the most part. My life seemed so complete. I had a great job in the NICU working with my friends that I loved, I was married to the love of my life, I lived in a house, had a car, a dog, friends, family, and I was on the road to becoming a fit and healthy person. What more could I want, right? I was content.
Maybe when I was fat and okay with it, "content" was a good thing. Content was a feeling I could deal with. It meant I had what I needed... but not what I wanted, or deserved.
Going through the process of losing weight changed that. When you make the conscious decision to change your life, to lose all your bad habits, to stop eating the things you love, to cut back to probably a fourth of the calories you were eating before...
When you choose to workout over going out and having fun or staying in bed.
When you choose to go run after a 12 hour night shift because you know that's what's necessary to accomplish your goals.
When you realize that even if you have to do this on your own, you still march on because only YOU can change your life... Those are the kind of things you go through that make you say SCREW being content. Being content is for the lazy, and I am anything but lazy. I'm a goal maker. A dreamer. A fighter. And I will do anything to make my dreams become a reality and to make myself happy because when it all comes down to it, your own happiness is the most important thing. If you aren't happy in this life, nothing else matters.
But when you have an opportunity to do the exact same thing AND get paid for it? How could I resist?
The only thing that ever held me back from trying to get hired as a career firefighter/EMT was ME. My weight, my health, and my fear of failure. I knew in my mind that I would never be able to pass the CPAT because of the shape I was in. So why even bother, only to fail? So I never tried. But after a year of strict eating, religiously exercising and losing 80 pounds, I decided that I was finally ready to take on the challenge. I told myself I could do it and that I would finish the CPAT no matter what. And that I did. The day I passed the CPAT is one I will never forget and it was one of the first few steps that would lead to me getting the career of my dreams.
On March 12, 2012 I started the academy and the rest of my new life as a CAREER firefighter/EMT. I was amazed at myself and how far I had come. From a shy, timid, quiet fat girl with no aspirations to a strong, fit, healthy woman with a career in a well known fire department... life was GREAT.
Along the way I had support from lots of people. I had my friends, family and husband cheering me on. I had my consistent blog readers; my fans. I had cheerleaders there for me the whole time and I loved that. Having people that wanted to be updated on my progress was pretty cool. I felt loved, encouraged and supported.
But I felt that this was a lifestyle I was chasing on my own. I was becoming a whole new person individually. With every pound loss and every race ran, I was getting further and further away from my old self. I didn't want to be that same person anymore. I wanted to keep the good parts of me and forget all the bad. Nothing could physically hold me back from moving forward, but emotionally some things kept me at a stand still.
When you truly love someone, you will be there for them. Whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically. When you marry someone, it's for better or worse, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health... Well how are you supposed to feel when someone doesn't want to join you in something that you love? How do you encourage someone to be with you in health, well all they want to do is be sick? You try to hold their hand and take them with you on the path to being thin... and they just want to stay thick...
You start to feel alone in your journey to happiness. You start to feel discouraged and shut down. You question if you're doing the right thing by changing yourself into a better person. Is sacrificing your own happiness for someone else's the right thing to do? That's something I thought about for a long time. When you set out on a journey to better yourself and the person you love is never there by your side to share that journey with you, it makes you feel pretty lonely. When you try to express your new found love and passion for fitness and they don't celebrate in your excitement, it's like a slap in the face.
When you try your hardest to encourage and help and support and you just get shut down every time? It's not a feeling you're sure you can live with for the rest of your life.
I did what my heart told me to do. Sometimes it's hard to listen to your heart when your head is telling you something different. Do you play it safe or do you do what's right? If your own happiness means hurting someone else and breaking their heart, do you still go through with it? Most people live their lives worrying about what other people think and not thinking about their own happiness. People will lie to keep others happy. People will go against what their heart tells them if it means being accepted by others. That's not me. I'm done with being a pushover. I'm not a scared little weakling anymore. I'm strong, not only physically but mentally as well and the things I have been through and the pain I have not only suffered, but caused, has helped me to become the kind of person I am today. Like I always tell people who ask me if I regret anything in my past... No, I do not regret anything in my past. I would never change anything about my past because I LOVE the person I am today. I'm happy with myself and my life and if I were to go back in time and change my history, things would not be what they are today.
What started as just a competition to lose weight has become a journey to become a better person. My goals went from wanting to weigh 140 pounds and look "skinny" to wanting to be a strong woman who can perform her job just as well, if not better, than others. I used to want to look "hot" for others... now I want to be a beautiful person in MY eyes. I could care less what ANYONE thinks about me or the decisions I have made. I will continue to live my life the best I can. To makes goals and surpass them.
What started as a dream has become a reality... so I will keep on dreaming.
Anna
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