Now Years Seem to Pass as We Blink Our Eyes



I feel like I was writing this same exact post just yesterday. Time is going by faster than ever and I don't like it.
As I was looking through my pictures to recap the year, I was getting confused as to which pictures were actually from 2013. I feel so old now. Things throughout the year used to stand out to me. I used to remember what presents I got for Christmas and what I did for my birthday. Now? I can't seem to remember anything to save my life!
Looking back at it, 2013 was an interesting year to say the least. It started out great. The picture on the left was January 1, 2013. We had 2 working fires that day and it was very cool. That's my partner Eddie. My favorite guy who always had my back. Eddie is like a brother to me and I can never repay him for all that he's done for me and for how much he taught me. Unfortunately we aren't on the same shift anymore, so we don't get to work together now. It makes me pretty sad.


I had lots of fun times in 2013. Lots of short trips and fun nights out. During the summer things got pretty care free. I did not concentrate on my diet much. I still worked out plenty, but I wasn't giving it 100% like I could have been, so I definitely put on a little bit of weight. Especially while in North Carolina. Being there for a week and drinking Margaritas every day definitely wasn't the best for me. But I did manage to work out every day that I was there and for that I was proud.

My summer was mostly about having fun, getting tan, and drinking. I wasn't very productive when it came down to it. I did progress in my driving abilities at work but most of that has gone to waste now considering I don't get to ever drive on my new shift. But at least I got to start and get some practice in.

I wish I would have put more effort into relationships and friendships in 2013. I've never been the best at making or keeping friends it seems. I guess I can be somewhat shy. Some people may think I come off as stand offish or bitchy, but I don't try to be at all.

When I left Children's Hospital back in March 2012, I left behind a great group of girls. Luckily for me we continued to stay friends outside of work. We had some great times together. I loved that they made me still feel included in their group even though I didn't work with them anymore.

Unfortunately, it seems that friendships always find a way to drift apart. It's especially sad when friendships end because of rumors and assumptions. Is it my fault? Mutual? I don't know. All I know is that I wish I still felt accepted in some way. I wish I still had my friends to talk to and gossip with. Friends that could listen to my problems and give me advice. Sadly though I feel like I am the biggest thing to gossip about these days. Luckily I still have my select few friends that I know I can always count on and who will always be there for me, through my good times and bad.

As summer started to fade it seemed as though other things did as well. I became consumed in working out, eating right, working and being as involved in the CPAT process as I could. For me that was my outlet. That is where I felt happiness and content. Like I was serving a purpose and I was appreciated.

Maybe I was hurtful or neglectful in my ways. Maybe while trying to better myself and make myself happy, I hurt others. It's hard to know what's going on when no one ever talks to you. When there's no communication, nothing gets changed.

Feeling distant from a loved one is not a good feeling. Feeling like you lost a connection or a bond... it really hurts. When you're feeling lost and confused and you just want someone to tell you the answers but no one is there to listen... that's how I felt. That's how I still feel sometimes. Life can be so overwhelming and sometimes you just have no clue what to do. I never thought that I'd go through the things I have so far at my age. Life has been filled with so many ups and downs. It seems as though through the progress and success I have made for myself, I've hurt others in the process.

When I set out on my journey to lose weight I never would have expected that it would change so many things. I thought that I would look good and be happier with myself. I never imagined it changing my attitude, my personality, my likes and dislikes, and my whole outlook on life in general.

It's difficult to go through changes like that and not be affected emotionally. It's like you're not sure who you are and you kind of want your old self back, minus all the fat. Even though my confidence has gone up from 0 to something, I still struggle daily to accept myself for who I am and be happy with how far I've come. It's also extremely hard to be happy with your new self when the person you are now has caused other people pain. What are you supposed to do when someone loves the old you, and not the new you?

Weight loss is just SO MUCH MORE than losing fat. You have the possibility to lose so many other things, as well as gain things you never thought possible. I didn't imagine myself being the kind of person I am now. Even though I frustrate myself sometimes, I am happy that I stay true to myself, regardless of what other think. In the end I try to make myself happy because I know that is what is most important, my happiness.

Unless you have gone through the same journey as me, walked the same steps as me, in my shoes... then you will never know how it feels to be me. The end of 2013 was tough. It is still tough. Nobody truly knows what I have gone through and what I'm still dealing with. It's going to be a long, tough road but I'm lucky to have some important people in my life who love me and who are there for me.

Even though there are days that I feel my family doesn't love me anymore, days that I feel like I'm a terrible friend, days that I feel like the worst person on the planet... I still push on. I stay dedicated and committed to creating a better life for myself. To staying in shape and being healthy. Whether I continue this journey all alone or not, I will never give up. I've worked too hard and lost too much to ever go back to the old me. That person is long gone.

Just remember when you're feeling down, when you feel like a failure, when you feel alone and like no one is on your side... remember that somewhere, someone else is experiencing something similar. And don't let it deter you from being the best person you can be. Take that sadness and turn it into fuel to push yourself harder.

 

Sad or not... I'll never let anything keep me back from being a better me.

 

Anna