You Need Not to Climb Mountaintops...

You need not to cross the sea,
You need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak.
You need not to reach for the stars when life becomes so dark,
And when the wind does blow against the grain,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

When all your friends have come and gone,
And the sun no longer shines,
And the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean's tide,
When all the hard times outweigh the good,
And all your words are misunderstood,
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

If you feel you've paid the price,
And your wounds should cease to heal
And everything you love in life spins like a winding wheel.
If you should wake to find you're abandoned,
And the road you've traveled leads to a dead-end
When death creeps in to play it's part,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

That song... completely heart wrenching but I absolutely love it and have been listening to it constantly. I've always loved City and Colour but I just started listening to all of their older CD's as well and stumbled upon this jewel. It really just resonates with me. It gives me the chills and makes me feel so... emotional. Ugh, I know I said I wouldn't write another depressing blog...

Lately, I have been real down in the dumps. Sometimes I look back at my old life and I miss the freedom I had. Granted, I felt trapped in my fat body, I still had the freedom of being able to eat whatever I wanted and not think about the repercussions. I could go out to eat with my friends or family and not care one bit about what I was ordering. I got to enjoy some real awesome food. Still, at the end of the day I was unhappy with my body and so I decided to change that.

I had no idea that in changing my body, I would in turn change my whole life. It was like a ripple effect. Losing weight and exercising allowed me to have the career I wanted. Getting really into working out allowed me to find my passion for fitness and training. Watching what I ate made me really think of what I was putting into my body and I started learning way more about nutrition rather than just purely calorie counting. Those were all good things that losing weight affected...

I never thought about the emotional aspects it would affect. My relationship with my husband, family, and friends. The way I am perceived by those around me. In some ways people treat me like a celebrity. The fact that I lost 81 pounds blows people away and they just want to know all my secrets. I can never seem to get it through to people though that there are no secrets. People don't want to accept the fact that losing weight takes actual hard work and dedication. They all want the easy way out. Well you know all that fun you had going out to eat? You know how easy it was to stuff your face with cakes and pies and how good it felt to lay on the couch and be lazy? Working your ass off, sweating to death, being sore and wanting to die are not as easy. If it's easy, it's probably not working. Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy...

Even though I know I'm surrounded by people who support me and people who have been there throughout this whole process, I somehow manage to feel so alone. So alone on my quest to be perfect. I know perfection is an unrealistic expectation, but I can't help it. I have some image in my head of what I want to be like and I just cant seem to get there, no matter how hard I try. I've never met someone who feels just like I do. It's rare that I even find someone who likes to work out as much as me. At work I get made fun of for working out. I try not to let it get to me, but when people constantly tease you about working out and crossfit (which I don't even do) it just starts to wear on you. It's also so hard to be the only one at work and at home who lives the way I do. No one is on board with my workout or eating habits, anywhere. I have a few select friends who are very similar to me, but it's different when you live and work with people who are basically against what you do. It makes you feel very alone sometimes.

Not only has losing weight changed my life in physical, social and emotional ways, but it has made me develop some maybe not so good habits along the way. When people hear the words "eating disorder" their first thoughts are anorexia or bulimia. I can honestly say I feel like I have some type of eating disorder. I have a terrible body image and self esteem problem. People see me, and they tell me I look beautiful, amazing, awesome, hot, etc. and that's great. It really is. But I can't seem to accept those compliments. It feels nice to hear them, but deep down inside, I don't believe them. I feel like when people say stuff like that, they're only meaning I'm "hot" "beautiful" or "sexy" in comparison to my OLD self. Not just in general.

I get so frustrated at the fact that I can't lose weight that I just stop eating. For me, it's easier to just NOT eat than it is to try and eat right. And I'm a big advocate of eating properly and getting the right amount of calories and all that. But for me, I feel like I'm struggling so hard to do right and nothing is working that I just turn to starving myself. I would never condone that or encourage people to do it, I'm just telling you all what it's like for me.

I know some people can understand what I'm going through, but there's no one out there who knows EXACTLY what it's like to be me. No one can be just like me, and that's fine. Sometimes I just wish there was somebody around to be proof to me that I will get through this. I know that there will never be an "end" to my weight loss journey. There's no finish line to cross, and that's ok. This is going to be a constant battle I fight for the rest of my life and I think I'm ok with that. Working towards the perfect body gives me the motivation I need every day to keep doing what I'm doing. I hope that in my journey to perfection and through all the harsh times, that I don't hurt those around me. My only hope is to give motivation and inspiration to people who know me or people who have read my story. 

This isn't a cry for help or pity or any kind of sympathy. This is me just putting my life out there for anyone to read. Maybe someone can relate with me. Maybe this blog can reach out to someone who needs to hear these kinds of things.

Life in general is NOT easy... but there are many things you can do to make it harder, or easier on yourself. There's lots of paths you can choose, or you can make your own. Set goals, have dreams and spend however long it takes to reach them... just never give up.

Anna