Now Years Seem to Pass as We Blink Our Eyes



I feel like I was writing this same exact post just yesterday. Time is going by faster than ever and I don't like it.
As I was looking through my pictures to recap the year, I was getting confused as to which pictures were actually from 2013. I feel so old now. Things throughout the year used to stand out to me. I used to remember what presents I got for Christmas and what I did for my birthday. Now? I can't seem to remember anything to save my life!
Looking back at it, 2013 was an interesting year to say the least. It started out great. The picture on the left was January 1, 2013. We had 2 working fires that day and it was very cool. That's my partner Eddie. My favorite guy who always had my back. Eddie is like a brother to me and I can never repay him for all that he's done for me and for how much he taught me. Unfortunately we aren't on the same shift anymore, so we don't get to work together now. It makes me pretty sad.


I had lots of fun times in 2013. Lots of short trips and fun nights out. During the summer things got pretty care free. I did not concentrate on my diet much. I still worked out plenty, but I wasn't giving it 100% like I could have been, so I definitely put on a little bit of weight. Especially while in North Carolina. Being there for a week and drinking Margaritas every day definitely wasn't the best for me. But I did manage to work out every day that I was there and for that I was proud.

My summer was mostly about having fun, getting tan, and drinking. I wasn't very productive when it came down to it. I did progress in my driving abilities at work but most of that has gone to waste now considering I don't get to ever drive on my new shift. But at least I got to start and get some practice in.

I wish I would have put more effort into relationships and friendships in 2013. I've never been the best at making or keeping friends it seems. I guess I can be somewhat shy. Some people may think I come off as stand offish or bitchy, but I don't try to be at all.

When I left Children's Hospital back in March 2012, I left behind a great group of girls. Luckily for me we continued to stay friends outside of work. We had some great times together. I loved that they made me still feel included in their group even though I didn't work with them anymore.

Unfortunately, it seems that friendships always find a way to drift apart. It's especially sad when friendships end because of rumors and assumptions. Is it my fault? Mutual? I don't know. All I know is that I wish I still felt accepted in some way. I wish I still had my friends to talk to and gossip with. Friends that could listen to my problems and give me advice. Sadly though I feel like I am the biggest thing to gossip about these days. Luckily I still have my select few friends that I know I can always count on and who will always be there for me, through my good times and bad.

As summer started to fade it seemed as though other things did as well. I became consumed in working out, eating right, working and being as involved in the CPAT process as I could. For me that was my outlet. That is where I felt happiness and content. Like I was serving a purpose and I was appreciated.

Maybe I was hurtful or neglectful in my ways. Maybe while trying to better myself and make myself happy, I hurt others. It's hard to know what's going on when no one ever talks to you. When there's no communication, nothing gets changed.

Feeling distant from a loved one is not a good feeling. Feeling like you lost a connection or a bond... it really hurts. When you're feeling lost and confused and you just want someone to tell you the answers but no one is there to listen... that's how I felt. That's how I still feel sometimes. Life can be so overwhelming and sometimes you just have no clue what to do. I never thought that I'd go through the things I have so far at my age. Life has been filled with so many ups and downs. It seems as though through the progress and success I have made for myself, I've hurt others in the process.

When I set out on my journey to lose weight I never would have expected that it would change so many things. I thought that I would look good and be happier with myself. I never imagined it changing my attitude, my personality, my likes and dislikes, and my whole outlook on life in general.

It's difficult to go through changes like that and not be affected emotionally. It's like you're not sure who you are and you kind of want your old self back, minus all the fat. Even though my confidence has gone up from 0 to something, I still struggle daily to accept myself for who I am and be happy with how far I've come. It's also extremely hard to be happy with your new self when the person you are now has caused other people pain. What are you supposed to do when someone loves the old you, and not the new you?

Weight loss is just SO MUCH MORE than losing fat. You have the possibility to lose so many other things, as well as gain things you never thought possible. I didn't imagine myself being the kind of person I am now. Even though I frustrate myself sometimes, I am happy that I stay true to myself, regardless of what other think. In the end I try to make myself happy because I know that is what is most important, my happiness.

Unless you have gone through the same journey as me, walked the same steps as me, in my shoes... then you will never know how it feels to be me. The end of 2013 was tough. It is still tough. Nobody truly knows what I have gone through and what I'm still dealing with. It's going to be a long, tough road but I'm lucky to have some important people in my life who love me and who are there for me.

Even though there are days that I feel my family doesn't love me anymore, days that I feel like I'm a terrible friend, days that I feel like the worst person on the planet... I still push on. I stay dedicated and committed to creating a better life for myself. To staying in shape and being healthy. Whether I continue this journey all alone or not, I will never give up. I've worked too hard and lost too much to ever go back to the old me. That person is long gone.

Just remember when you're feeling down, when you feel like a failure, when you feel alone and like no one is on your side... remember that somewhere, someone else is experiencing something similar. And don't let it deter you from being the best person you can be. Take that sadness and turn it into fuel to push yourself harder.

 

Sad or not... I'll never let anything keep me back from being a better me.

 

Anna

 

 

 

 

From A to B

Alright, so I don't have any pictures for this blog because I've had some phone issues lately and also I'm just feeling kind of lazy. Some of you know that I had a majorly cracked screen on my phone for awhile and when I FINALLY used my insurance to get a new one, they sent me a freaking refurbished phone. I mean really? How does that even make sense. I pay $10 a month to have insurance and it was $170 for the actual phone... why would I get a crappy used one?! Well, I didn't think it was going to be a problem, but with my luck, it was!

I thought it was the Lifeproof case I put on it and that I was having trouble adjusting to it, so I finally took it off only to realize that it was the actual phone screen itself that wasn't working. So then I had to call and they talked me through doing a factory reset, that didn't work so they just ended up sending me a new one - a BRAND NEW one! Jeez. Either way, I ended up losing whatever pictures I hadn't saved since my last sync with iTunes. Whatever!

I'm currently laying in bed having a lazy day because work yesterday was ridiculous. I would end up working on the day it snows/sleets/freezing rains/world ices over... whatever you wanna call it! It was crappy and coldddddddd!
I hadn't mentioned lately, but I recently (2 shifts ago) got moved from A shift to B shift, but I'm still at 32. The transfer was a bit of a surprise and I wasn't too happy at first, but I'm dealing with it now.
I was really sad to leave at first because A shift has been all I've known for the past year and 5 months. I loved my crew, I knew lots of people from A shift in the battalion, and it was just what I was used to. They moved me because I'm technically a "driver" and B shift just lost one of their drivers to another station. So, their brilliant plan was to move me to B, and a non driver from C to A. Kinda confusing, I know. But that's the deal and I had no say in the matter.

I didn't think I would be doing much driving considering the Technician is on that shift, but, to my surprise, I was driving yesterday! My second shift! I wasn't too thrilled with driving in the nasty weather but I'd have to do it eventually, so might as well get it over with!
I drove the truck to a box in Charles county. We never made it, but I at least got to see how that monster handles in the snow. Then we ran lots of engine calls - mostly med locals and crashes. But, at 0130, I wake up to 3 beeps and it turns out to be a first due house fire.
When you get woken up from your sleep like that, you don't even really have time to be nervous. I just had in my mind what I needed to do as the first due engine... which is what I THOUGHT we would be. Turns out 29's engine was literally right down the street from the call, so they ended up being first due.

I won't go into a ton of details because not everyone who reads this is in the fire department so I don't want to bore anyone with my work talk! Either way, the whole call kind of ended up being a cluster f**k and it was a huge challenge for me to overcome. The main thing was that we got water to the first due engine... even if I did have to freeze my hands off in the process of trying to hook hose up to frozen hydrants and what not! That's just part of the job you have to deal with and I know that. Granted I would have loved my first fire (while driving) to be a little more ideal than this one... it was still a great learning experience and now I know better for the next time!

Besides work, things have been going much better when it comes to my progress with eating better and working out. I'm not sure what gave me the motivation, but I just decided that I finally needed to suck it up and get some will power! Food is not everything. I don't NEED it to have fun. I don't need to eat it just because it's there in front of me.
Sometimes I wonder if the way I was raised has anything to do with my eating habits. In no way am I blaming my parents, but just the way we lived... it makes me wonder. My mom would usually cook breakfast and dinner for us. Lunch was pretty much do your own thing. Seconds were never questioned or denied and finishing your plate was a must. We also developed the tradition of McDonald's breakfast on weekend mornings, and Taco Bell after church on Sunday became a routine for our family.

I never, ever grew up with any kind of lessons on eating healthy or exercising. My sister Roch and I were the only ones in our family that ever played any team sports. That seemed to keep us in a decent amount of shape. But diet? My mom wasn't the type to makes "healthy" meals or force us to eat our vegetables. She never mentioned "hey, you're eating a little too much, no need to stuff yourself" etc. It just wasn't a big deal in our family.
It wasn't until I finally decided to start losing weight and I downloaded Myfitnesspal that I realized, WOW, I was eating TERRIBLY! I never realized how many calories are in things. If you don't read the labels on foods, you have no clue what you're putting into your body. It's shocking. I highly encourage people to just download Myfitnesspal and just go about your day how you normally would. Add in all the food you eat and see what your total is at the end of the day. I bet you will be very surprised at how much you really eat!

Back to what I was really talking about to begin with, I've been doing MUCH better. I have been using Myfitnesspal religiously and it truly has helped. As long as I hold myself accountable for what I eat, I can stay in line. It's when I start pretending that I didn't really eat something that it gets to me. That stuff adds up quick. You think you're just having a snack here and there, then bam! 800 calories later...
I can tell a difference already when I look at myself in the mirror. And of course, my main weight indicator, my work pants! They are fitting soooo much better! I love it. I love this feeling of making progress and actually accomplishing something. It feels great to be reminded that hey, watching what you eat really DOES work!

We need to stop being in denial about what we eat. I think that is the main issue a lot of us have. If you don't think about that twinkie you ate, then it's like you didn't even eat it. And that 1 chip that turns into a handful that turns into 5 handfuls. It adds up SO quick and you just don't realize how many extra calories you are putting into your body. Plus, if you aren't doing any type of exercise, then you have no room for error. My daily calorie goal is 1,200. That's with the intention of losing 2lbs per week. If I burn 500 calories, then I should eat 1,700 calories that day. If I burn 1,000 like I usually try to do, then I need to eat 2,200! That's why I workout so much, because I rather have 2,200 calories then 1,200! It is so much harder than you think to eat 1,200 calories a day and feel satisfied. I've become pretty good at putting super low calorie foods together to make decent size meals. I much rather eat pounds and pounds of lettuce and make myself feel full than eat 1 tiny cookie that doesn't serve any nutritional purpose and still leaves me feeling hungry.

Anyhoo! Sorry, I guess that was a bit of a rant, but it was just something I wanted to talk about because I think a lot of people are just totally in the dark when it comes to diet, exercise and calories in vs. calories out. Sometimes I just feel the need to preach a little:-)

This past Saturday was the final CPAT and it made me feel great. It was kind of disappointing in the beginning. We had lots of people failing right off the bat. But towards the end of the day, we were having a lot of people getting through it. I was so happy when one of the girls who comes to EVERY fitness conditioning session, and up until this point had not passed, PASSED! She almost brought me to tears because she was SO happy that she passed. You could see the relief and excitement and ACCOMPLISHMENT on her face! It just brought me back to the day that I passed CPAT and the feeling that I felt once I finished. I had to give her the biggest hug and she thanked me so much for being an inspiration to her. That... that is the thing that keeps me going and keeps me motivated. There's nothing better than being told that you are an inspiration to someone:-)
Another guy shook my hand and thanked me for all my help in the process. Things like that bring the biggest smile to my face.

So yes, things are really headed in the right direction. I just really, really need to keep myself on track this time. I'm feeling great, I'm looking better and my confidence is going up. I'm kind of sad that CPAT is over and I won't be helping out people anymore. It's something that really keeps me motivated and is just another reason for me to go workout! These people are my encouragement and they keep me going! I can't wait for another group to come around.

I suppose that's all I have for now. I hope that this can be of some help to someone out there! As always, I thank everyone for reading my blog. I'll continue to try and update more regularly:-)

xoxoxo,
Anna

Slacker!

This! This is what I need to listen to. It's so true. Once you get the mental/emotional aspect of it under control, the rest is easy from there. Like I tell people, working out is the easy part! I can workout all day, every day and it's no problem for me. It's the eating that gets me every time. The food is holding me back! I know I talk about this all the time, but it's what's on my mind!

It's been over a month since I last posted a blog. A LOT of stuff has been going on in my life that I rather not discuss. It's been very stressful which has not helped the health aspect of my life. I feel like such a slacker and like a disappointment to the people who follow my blog. I like to be an inspiration, but lately I've just been MIA!

I've been at the CPAT workouts a lot lately. I love being involved with that kind of stuff because it motivates me to do better. A lot of the people who come to the workouts really look to me for motivation and I can't let them down. Especially when it comes to the girls, I like being there to help them. To show them that if I can do it, anyone can do it. I've been thinking about bringing in some of my before and afters for the group to see, just to show them how anything is possible if you really want it.

 

 

So, I'm really excited for the holidays to be over. I dunno about everyone else, but I don't like Christmas! It's just an excuse to spend money and buy useless things. Most of the time, I can't ever decide what to get anyone because they're so hard to shop for. Luckily, we started doing secret Santa in my family which helps a lot. Because with 5 siblings and 2 parents, it's just too much to buy! Hopefully I get someone easy this year:-)

 

 



 

Eating will be so much easier after the holidays are over too. There's so much temptation around right now. Obviously for thanksgiving I didn't hold back. I went all out and ate a ton of stuff! Then, to makes things even worse, I worked the next day and it was basically "leftovers day" at the firehouse. I think I had like 5 pieces of pie! Why must food be so addictive, whyyyyy???

 

So I think I need to make some new goals or something. Not weight related goals, but something else. Like lifting goals, or maybe do another challenge. I think I'll do another "no alcohol" month again, just have to pick a month! That's a tough one for me, I'm not gonna lie... I love to drink. I've become somewhat of a wine connoisseur lately and I've just been trying new kinds almost every night. It's a bit of a hobby... not a very good one!

 

 

 

I've been thinking lately, and I really need to change up my workouts. I've gotten myself into a routine and I need to break that. I have a bad habit of always wanting to reach a calorie goal, but it's not really doing it the right way. I always get on the stairmaster for the bulk of my workout, just to burn a big chunk of calories and then the rest of my workout is usually pretty easy, just to get those last few calories off, till I eventually get to 1,000+ calories burned. But I know what I need to do is move more. Move my body and get my heart going the real way, not just by walking up steps.

 

I keep thinking back to when I was losing weight really steadily and what I was doing to accomplish that. Here's what I've decided helped me out the most...

 

1. Waking up early - If I wake up early, like 0800 or so, I seem to accomplish way more, in multiples ways. I think having my body awake and burning calories for a longer part of the day, helps with my metabolism or something like that.

2. Running. When I used to run a lot, I noticed a difference. I think having that constant high heart rate, along with moving my body constantly, it was a good way of burning lots of calories.

3. Eating lots of protein and avoiding carbs. That always helped a lot. It also made me more full.

4. Drinking LOTS of water. I always start with my gallon jug every day and try to finish that by the time I go to bed. It makes it easier to give myself a visual goal like that.

 

Those are just a few little things I found helped, soooo maybe I should listen to my own advice and get back into that routine?? Yes? Haha... except the running. It's a TAD too cold for that right now!!

 

I'm hoping that once it starts warming up I'll be able to start running and really get motivated to look good by summer time. That is my goal... to look good in a bathing suit this summer. Let's give this a try!

 

Alright, well, I'm not in much of a writing mood so I'm gonna sign off. Sorry for the lack of motivation or blogs. For my next blog I'll come up with a challenge and some more goals!

 

Till next time...





You Need Not to Climb Mountaintops...

You need not to cross the sea,
You need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak.
You need not to reach for the stars when life becomes so dark,
And when the wind does blow against the grain,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

When all your friends have come and gone,
And the sun no longer shines,
And the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean's tide,
When all the hard times outweigh the good,
And all your words are misunderstood,
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

If you feel you've paid the price,
And your wounds should cease to heal
And everything you love in life spins like a winding wheel.
If you should wake to find you're abandoned,
And the road you've traveled leads to a dead-end
When death creeps in to play it's part,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

That song... completely heart wrenching but I absolutely love it and have been listening to it constantly. I've always loved City and Colour but I just started listening to all of their older CD's as well and stumbled upon this jewel. It really just resonates with me. It gives me the chills and makes me feel so... emotional. Ugh, I know I said I wouldn't write another depressing blog...

Lately, I have been real down in the dumps. Sometimes I look back at my old life and I miss the freedom I had. Granted, I felt trapped in my fat body, I still had the freedom of being able to eat whatever I wanted and not think about the repercussions. I could go out to eat with my friends or family and not care one bit about what I was ordering. I got to enjoy some real awesome food. Still, at the end of the day I was unhappy with my body and so I decided to change that.

I had no idea that in changing my body, I would in turn change my whole life. It was like a ripple effect. Losing weight and exercising allowed me to have the career I wanted. Getting really into working out allowed me to find my passion for fitness and training. Watching what I ate made me really think of what I was putting into my body and I started learning way more about nutrition rather than just purely calorie counting. Those were all good things that losing weight affected...

I never thought about the emotional aspects it would affect. My relationship with my husband, family, and friends. The way I am perceived by those around me. In some ways people treat me like a celebrity. The fact that I lost 81 pounds blows people away and they just want to know all my secrets. I can never seem to get it through to people though that there are no secrets. People don't want to accept the fact that losing weight takes actual hard work and dedication. They all want the easy way out. Well you know all that fun you had going out to eat? You know how easy it was to stuff your face with cakes and pies and how good it felt to lay on the couch and be lazy? Working your ass off, sweating to death, being sore and wanting to die are not as easy. If it's easy, it's probably not working. Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy...

Even though I know I'm surrounded by people who support me and people who have been there throughout this whole process, I somehow manage to feel so alone. So alone on my quest to be perfect. I know perfection is an unrealistic expectation, but I can't help it. I have some image in my head of what I want to be like and I just cant seem to get there, no matter how hard I try. I've never met someone who feels just like I do. It's rare that I even find someone who likes to work out as much as me. At work I get made fun of for working out. I try not to let it get to me, but when people constantly tease you about working out and crossfit (which I don't even do) it just starts to wear on you. It's also so hard to be the only one at work and at home who lives the way I do. No one is on board with my workout or eating habits, anywhere. I have a few select friends who are very similar to me, but it's different when you live and work with people who are basically against what you do. It makes you feel very alone sometimes.

Not only has losing weight changed my life in physical, social and emotional ways, but it has made me develop some maybe not so good habits along the way. When people hear the words "eating disorder" their first thoughts are anorexia or bulimia. I can honestly say I feel like I have some type of eating disorder. I have a terrible body image and self esteem problem. People see me, and they tell me I look beautiful, amazing, awesome, hot, etc. and that's great. It really is. But I can't seem to accept those compliments. It feels nice to hear them, but deep down inside, I don't believe them. I feel like when people say stuff like that, they're only meaning I'm "hot" "beautiful" or "sexy" in comparison to my OLD self. Not just in general.

I get so frustrated at the fact that I can't lose weight that I just stop eating. For me, it's easier to just NOT eat than it is to try and eat right. And I'm a big advocate of eating properly and getting the right amount of calories and all that. But for me, I feel like I'm struggling so hard to do right and nothing is working that I just turn to starving myself. I would never condone that or encourage people to do it, I'm just telling you all what it's like for me.

I know some people can understand what I'm going through, but there's no one out there who knows EXACTLY what it's like to be me. No one can be just like me, and that's fine. Sometimes I just wish there was somebody around to be proof to me that I will get through this. I know that there will never be an "end" to my weight loss journey. There's no finish line to cross, and that's ok. This is going to be a constant battle I fight for the rest of my life and I think I'm ok with that. Working towards the perfect body gives me the motivation I need every day to keep doing what I'm doing. I hope that in my journey to perfection and through all the harsh times, that I don't hurt those around me. My only hope is to give motivation and inspiration to people who know me or people who have read my story. 

This isn't a cry for help or pity or any kind of sympathy. This is me just putting my life out there for anyone to read. Maybe someone can relate with me. Maybe this blog can reach out to someone who needs to hear these kinds of things.

Life in general is NOT easy... but there are many things you can do to make it harder, or easier on yourself. There's lots of paths you can choose, or you can make your own. Set goals, have dreams and spend however long it takes to reach them... just never give up.

Anna

...And the Streak Ends

As much as I hate feeling like a slacker, or a quitter, I know it was necessary for me to take a break from working out. Between May 27th, 2013 and September 23rd, 2013 I took no rest days. That's 151 days straight working out. I had some days that I didn't do too much, like go for long walks and stuff, because I was sick. But even on our week long vacation in NC, I worked out every day.

My friend Katie sent me an article called "7 Things Really Fit People Do to Stay In Shape" and it had so many things that I could relate to in it. Here is my favorite one that I definitely believe in...

3. They prioritize their health and fitness.

While most people let work, family, social engagements and other priorities get in the way of exercise, really fit people make exercise a priority no matter what.

Yes, this may mean having to get up 15 minutes earlier when you’d rather be sleeping, working out on vacation, or fitting in a workout even when your life seems busier than you can handle. But once you build up the habit, it actually becomes harder to not exercise because you become so used to prioritizing it in your life.

“People who are fit are the same as anyone else. The only difference is their level of commitment.” – Boxing champion Laila Ali

That's exactly how I am. It is honestly harder for me to skip a workout than it is to just get it over with! And that's because I've worked so hard to get to the point I'm at that I will feel so guilty if I miss a workout! It may be hard to get yourself into that kind of routine but it's possible if you really commit yourself.

Here is the link to the article if you want to read the rest of it!

 It's October which means breast cancer awareness month and pink shirts at work! Not gonna lie, I kind of like wearing the pink shirts. It's a nice little change from the every day navy blue.

I took this picture the other day at work and then compared it to my one from last year. I've definitely put on a little weight since then. My weight has seriously been frustrating me so much lately. I so wish that I could just be comfortable with myself no matter what, but for some reason it really gets to me. I just hate how much I go up and down and up and down. It takes me SO LONG to get my weight down to what feels really good to me, then I seem to be able to ruin that in a weekend. It makes me feel so jealous and envious of those people who can eat anything they want and it doesn't do anything to them!

I feel like I've been trying so many different ways and nothing is really working except for barely eating anything at all. I tried cutting out meats, I tried paleo, I just straight up count my calories, etc. and nothing seems to really work except for eating a very little amount of food. Which sucks, because I love to eat:-( If only eating right were as easy as exercising.

I think food is just a really tough thing for me. It's like I'm still a fat girl living in a (kinda) skinny girls body. I love to eat when I'm bored, when I'm out at special events, and especially when I drink. I'm really bad at resisting temptation when it comes to food and especially desserts. If there is some type of dessert laying around at work, it takes SO much effort for me not to eat it. I literally have a war with myself in my head, outweighing the pros and cons and I KNOW that I don't need to eat it, but for some reason I just always give in and then I hate myself afterwards.

I really just need to start working on my will power. I need to be able to just say "No" and move on! If only things were that easy...

So I'm really excited because my gym got lots of new stuff. I tried this cardio machine the other day and I like it! It really burns your quads and I felt in it my butt a lot lol. There's a few other things I haven't tried out yet but I'll get to them eventually.

I'm also really happy because CPAT conditioning sessions are back! I went the other day for the first time and I totally forgot how good of a workout I get when I go there. It's really nice to have a change in routine. I think I get in the habit of doing the same stuff over and over so it's nice for me to have a change of pace. Plus I always workout harder when I know there's people watching me.

Lt. Bussing really holds me to a high standard and always talks about me to the candidates so I feel like I have to live up to the hype! It's really encouraging for me to know that I have people who look up to me and to know that I inspire some people.

So tomorrow is the Avenged Sevenfold concert in Baltimore. We got a hotel room and we're going to go out to eat/drink before the concert. We might go out afterwards too. I'm pretty excited, although I don't LOVE their new CD, it's ok. I'm hoping they play some of their older songs that I love.

Ok, time to go be productive on this gloomy day. I'll try to make my next blog less depressing!

Have a great day!
Anna

October Challenge

We did it! We finished Iron Team 2013 in 1:31 and that's with only one 3 minute time penalty! Our team did SOOOO awesome! It was definitely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and going into it I was so skeptical! But as the events went on and I kept getting through everything without any penalties, I realized "Hey, I CAN do this!" It was such an amazing feeling!

We ended up being 31/36 but that's ok! The time difference between each team was very close. It doesn't matter to me either way, the only thing I wanted to accomplish was finishing! And we sure did. There's no better feeling that people encouraging you and cheering you on. It's great!

After the competition, we all went out to Looney's and had a good time. I of course splurged and got a hamburger. I did burn over 1,400 calories though, so I think I deserved it! I think we all definitely want to do it again next year. This time we want to get more fire department people on board, considering we were the only fire department team there!

So the other day I went to Dick's and found out that they DO have crossfit shoes! They're sneaky and hide them in the back, so I didn't even know until I saw a manikin wearing them! So I tried on a few pairs and ended up getting these! So far I love them! Very comfortable, nice and flat for lifting, wide toe which is nice for me because I have pretty wide feet, so my toes never feel cramped in these. Not to mention, the purple is so pretty!

Speaking of Crossfit, a lot of people try to get me into it, and I know it's cool, I do like it, but I'm just not willing to pay $100-plus on top of my $83 a month gym membership! It's way too much, but I do what I can on my own, and you don't HAVE to do crossift to own these shoes so whatevssss!

How can I leave this for Crossfit anyways? My gym is so amazing and beautiful. They just made a whole bunch of upgrades to the lifting area which I love! They also got tons of new cardio equipment and put TV's on basically everything!

As snobby and pretentious as some of the people there can be, I still love it. It has everything I need, it's clean, it has pools and hot tubs which is awesome! So I think it's totally worth the $83 a month!

Oh, so CPAT conditioning just started back up again on Monday so I'm super excited about that! I better see lots of candidates there! I really hate the fact that these people have a FREE personal trainer at their hands, 3 times a week, and they still never show up! Then they expect to pass the CPAT with no prior training. Ridiculous. Hopefully we actually have more than 1 girl pass this time!

Saturday was the shooting competition for the Sons of Our Flag Burn Foundation at the trap and skeet shooting range in Glenn Dale. We had a blast. Our team consisted of Kevin, Myself, Charlie, Katie, Pete and our little junior member Aiden. Everyone made out pretty well. A few people got some plaques! I hadn't shot in at least over two year because I remember this picture and that was the last time I went shooting there. Obviously it was awhile ago because I was SO FAT. Ugh... I can't believe I looked like that! So gross.

So of course I had to get an "after" pic to compare. Much better this time around... although I'm still feeling pretty fat lately:-/ I tried really hard today to hardly eat anything and not gorge all day like I normally do!

After shooting, I figured while we were in the area-ish, I'd stop by the Trooper 2 crash site since I do every year now. I like to go and pay my respects, leave some flowers, and just sit there for a moment and remember that night.

It doesn't feel like it was 5 years ago. I just remember being at the firehouse back when I was a volunteer and it was late at night. I wasn't really paying attention to the radio; I'm pretty sure I was sleeping. We ended up getting transferred to 27 and it seemed so weird, but off we went. When we got there, I started reading the print outs for the call... there were tons of them. Back then we didn't have access to the CAD like we do now, so I couldn't just follow the call as it was going out.

I couldn't believe what I was reading, it was so wild. Things seemed so crazy and disorganized, it was so chaotic. We stayed at 27 a little bit longer and then we were released. On our way back, communications called us (the ambo) looking for our location. We were at 495 northbound and Arena Dr. They told us to respond to the helicopter crash.

We were so out of our element being in that area. I had no clue where we were going and we didn't have a mapbook for that area, so we had to use the ADC map which I'm not very good at! At least back then I wasn't.
We eventually made our way to the call and found a spot to park out of the way.

I had never seen so many higher up people in the fire department in one place. It was overwhelming and so hard to believe that this was really happening. I really didn't know what I should be doing. I almost felt like we got pushed to the side somewhat. Our ambulance was used for it's cot, blankets and a place to nap for some people. It was frustrating to me to not be able to help more.

We were there for 8 hours straight. The longest I had ever been on a call in my time in the fire department. The feelings I felt when I left the scene were mixed. I was tired, cranky, angry, frustrated and sad. I wanted to do so much more than sit by my ambulance. I wanted to be involved and be put to use. It was a very draining call, both physically and mentally. It was just very, very sad. And that is why I visit the site every year. I like being able to stand in the same spot where everything took place and just reflect. It's a very eerie but peaceful feeling.


OH, so the title of my blog... I decided on a new challenge. Last time was "No Alcohol April" and this time around I'm doing "Dessert Free October" !!!!!!!!! I know... scary. If you know me, you know I absolutely ADORE sweets. This is going to be tough. I can say no to sweets, the hard part is going to be remembering that I'm not supposed to eat them! I eat desserts so often that it's just like a regular meal to me! So I'm hoping I don't accidentally slip up! And yes, this includes NO HALLOWEEN CANDY!! Best believe, November 1st it's fair game!! Hehehe.

Anyhoo, I just got offered OT tomorrow so I must be getting to bed! Let's hope I can make this month better than last... in lots of aspects!

xoxoxo
Anna

Confessions of a Reformed Fat Girl

Ok, so I've been having some bad days this past week. I feel like I'm waiting for a break or something. A period of time where I just don't mess up, I eat perfect, I have epic workouts, and I don't go on my drunken binges. I've been struggling with that a lot lately. Am I alone in that category? I wonder if anyone else is like me when I drink. I literally become a world record eating champion. Let me tell you what I ate Friday night. This is so embarrassing, but I'm just gonna put it all out there because it'll make me feel better.
As usual, my day started out fine. Had a great workout, ate good food and felt pretty prepared for the concert that night. The fact that I burn so many calories makes me feel like I have a little room to splurge, but I always take it way too far.

We went to Union Jack's first and I had 2 margaritas and a vodka/soda/lime. I also had 8 wings. Then we headed over to Merriweather and before we sat down I got a shaved ice, blue flavor, of course. I started drinking more margaritas, which were 13 bucks by the way! Ridiculous, but they were strong! I then wanted a hot dog, so I got that, then a little later I got some boardwalk fries. When we went to leave, I saw an ice cream stand and that is my ultimate weakness. I got "Salted caramel crunch" ice cream on a pretzel cone!!! Oh. Em. Gee. Amazing ice cream!!

We left and Charlie wanted to go to Oliver's so we stopped by there for a little bit. I have no clue why, but I ordered a quesadilla. Ate that, then it was my bright idea to go to 7-11 on the way back home. I got a little thing of twix ice cream, and an El Salvadorian quesadilla, which is basically like a sweet corn bread.... ughhhh! WTF is wrong with me?? I mean, that's like 4,000 calories. I definitely didn't workout enough to eat all of that. So depressing:-(

I feel like I have to tell people this stuff sometimes because a lot of people seem to think I'm "perfect" for some reason. Like I'm a workout maniac who eats amazingly and has an awesome bod. No way. That's why I posted that picture up there. It's obvious that I am not perfect, or thin, or skinny in any way. Yeah, I do workout a ton, but I can't seem to get past this certain point because of the way I eat. I would love to have a flat stomach and ripped abs. But that actually comes from a strict diet, not just crunches and sit ups.

To the right is a beautiful body, in my opinion. She's not too small, she has curves in all the right places, and her stomach is flat. And of course the tattoos are hot! I would love to look like that! Even if it never happens, at least it gives me something to work towards. The dissatisfaction I have with my body is what keeps me going. If I had the body of my dreams, I may not workout as hard as I do now.

I really do love and appreciate when people tell me how pretty I am, or when I somehow get compared to another girl that is way hotter than me, it definitely gives me a confident boost. But that fat girl part of me can never seem to take a compliment! I'm just always in denial.

So enough about me being all blah. I need to find better stuff to talk about! My blogs used to be more interesting, now they're just a lot of whining. Typical me! Well, yesterday and Friday were really fun. Friday night Charlie and I went to Imagine Dragons at Merriweather, then yesterday Rayna and I went to Virgin Mobile Freefest. It was a blast, except for the rain! It started raining around 5pm and just made things suck. It was cold and muddy and really cramped with all the umbrellas floating around.

I mostly wanted to see City and Colour, MGMT and Robin Thicke. We got to be in the pit for City and Colour and they were great! It would've been nice to stay in there for MGMT but they make you leave the pit and come back, so once we got outside of the pavilion, it was impossible to get back in. That's right when it started raining too, so of course everyone wanted to get under the pavilion.

We decided to go over to the West Stage and find a good spot for Robin Thicke. It sucked standing in the rain for so long, but finally he came on stage and it was awesome! He put on a very good show!

We decided to leave right after he finished because we were just miserable. We walked to the closest firehouse and that's where Charlie picked us up. I'm surprised I didn't get pneumonia or something! I was so excited to get home and under the covers:-)

Since I knew I would feel crappy today, I decided to take off work. Its weird not being there when I'm supposed to! But it is nice to have a little break. Besides, I'm working tomorrow now anyways, gotta keep workin that OT! I'm also doing another burn with the recruits on Tuesday. And then, Wednesday... Iron Team! I'm starting to get soooo nervous!! I felt prepared up until they revealed one of the mystery events, which is tossing an empty keg over a VERY tall fence, then climbing the fence into the next box and doing it again for a total of 5 tosses/climbs. I've practiced it a little, but it's really tough! I'm just hoping I have tons of adrenaline that day and I can get through everything in a decent time.

Alright, it's 10:30am and I feel like I should start being productive. Not sure what I want to do today, maybe run? Maybe the gym? Or both! I've been getting back into running a lot lately and that makes me happy:-) I can easily do 6.5 miles and my knee hasn't bothered me yet! I hope it stays that way.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day and a productive week!

Anna