You Need Not to Climb Mountaintops...

You need not to cross the sea,
You need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak.
You need not to reach for the stars when life becomes so dark,
And when the wind does blow against the grain,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

When all your friends have come and gone,
And the sun no longer shines,
And the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean's tide,
When all the hard times outweigh the good,
And all your words are misunderstood,
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

If you feel you've paid the price,
And your wounds should cease to heal
And everything you love in life spins like a winding wheel.
If you should wake to find you're abandoned,
And the road you've traveled leads to a dead-end
When death creeps in to play it's part,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

That song... completely heart wrenching but I absolutely love it and have been listening to it constantly. I've always loved City and Colour but I just started listening to all of their older CD's as well and stumbled upon this jewel. It really just resonates with me. It gives me the chills and makes me feel so... emotional. Ugh, I know I said I wouldn't write another depressing blog...

Lately, I have been real down in the dumps. Sometimes I look back at my old life and I miss the freedom I had. Granted, I felt trapped in my fat body, I still had the freedom of being able to eat whatever I wanted and not think about the repercussions. I could go out to eat with my friends or family and not care one bit about what I was ordering. I got to enjoy some real awesome food. Still, at the end of the day I was unhappy with my body and so I decided to change that.

I had no idea that in changing my body, I would in turn change my whole life. It was like a ripple effect. Losing weight and exercising allowed me to have the career I wanted. Getting really into working out allowed me to find my passion for fitness and training. Watching what I ate made me really think of what I was putting into my body and I started learning way more about nutrition rather than just purely calorie counting. Those were all good things that losing weight affected...

I never thought about the emotional aspects it would affect. My relationship with my husband, family, and friends. The way I am perceived by those around me. In some ways people treat me like a celebrity. The fact that I lost 81 pounds blows people away and they just want to know all my secrets. I can never seem to get it through to people though that there are no secrets. People don't want to accept the fact that losing weight takes actual hard work and dedication. They all want the easy way out. Well you know all that fun you had going out to eat? You know how easy it was to stuff your face with cakes and pies and how good it felt to lay on the couch and be lazy? Working your ass off, sweating to death, being sore and wanting to die are not as easy. If it's easy, it's probably not working. Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy...

Even though I know I'm surrounded by people who support me and people who have been there throughout this whole process, I somehow manage to feel so alone. So alone on my quest to be perfect. I know perfection is an unrealistic expectation, but I can't help it. I have some image in my head of what I want to be like and I just cant seem to get there, no matter how hard I try. I've never met someone who feels just like I do. It's rare that I even find someone who likes to work out as much as me. At work I get made fun of for working out. I try not to let it get to me, but when people constantly tease you about working out and crossfit (which I don't even do) it just starts to wear on you. It's also so hard to be the only one at work and at home who lives the way I do. No one is on board with my workout or eating habits, anywhere. I have a few select friends who are very similar to me, but it's different when you live and work with people who are basically against what you do. It makes you feel very alone sometimes.

Not only has losing weight changed my life in physical, social and emotional ways, but it has made me develop some maybe not so good habits along the way. When people hear the words "eating disorder" their first thoughts are anorexia or bulimia. I can honestly say I feel like I have some type of eating disorder. I have a terrible body image and self esteem problem. People see me, and they tell me I look beautiful, amazing, awesome, hot, etc. and that's great. It really is. But I can't seem to accept those compliments. It feels nice to hear them, but deep down inside, I don't believe them. I feel like when people say stuff like that, they're only meaning I'm "hot" "beautiful" or "sexy" in comparison to my OLD self. Not just in general.

I get so frustrated at the fact that I can't lose weight that I just stop eating. For me, it's easier to just NOT eat than it is to try and eat right. And I'm a big advocate of eating properly and getting the right amount of calories and all that. But for me, I feel like I'm struggling so hard to do right and nothing is working that I just turn to starving myself. I would never condone that or encourage people to do it, I'm just telling you all what it's like for me.

I know some people can understand what I'm going through, but there's no one out there who knows EXACTLY what it's like to be me. No one can be just like me, and that's fine. Sometimes I just wish there was somebody around to be proof to me that I will get through this. I know that there will never be an "end" to my weight loss journey. There's no finish line to cross, and that's ok. This is going to be a constant battle I fight for the rest of my life and I think I'm ok with that. Working towards the perfect body gives me the motivation I need every day to keep doing what I'm doing. I hope that in my journey to perfection and through all the harsh times, that I don't hurt those around me. My only hope is to give motivation and inspiration to people who know me or people who have read my story. 

This isn't a cry for help or pity or any kind of sympathy. This is me just putting my life out there for anyone to read. Maybe someone can relate with me. Maybe this blog can reach out to someone who needs to hear these kinds of things.

Life in general is NOT easy... but there are many things you can do to make it harder, or easier on yourself. There's lots of paths you can choose, or you can make your own. Set goals, have dreams and spend however long it takes to reach them... just never give up.

Anna

...And the Streak Ends

As much as I hate feeling like a slacker, or a quitter, I know it was necessary for me to take a break from working out. Between May 27th, 2013 and September 23rd, 2013 I took no rest days. That's 151 days straight working out. I had some days that I didn't do too much, like go for long walks and stuff, because I was sick. But even on our week long vacation in NC, I worked out every day.

My friend Katie sent me an article called "7 Things Really Fit People Do to Stay In Shape" and it had so many things that I could relate to in it. Here is my favorite one that I definitely believe in...

3. They prioritize their health and fitness.

While most people let work, family, social engagements and other priorities get in the way of exercise, really fit people make exercise a priority no matter what.

Yes, this may mean having to get up 15 minutes earlier when you’d rather be sleeping, working out on vacation, or fitting in a workout even when your life seems busier than you can handle. But once you build up the habit, it actually becomes harder to not exercise because you become so used to prioritizing it in your life.

“People who are fit are the same as anyone else. The only difference is their level of commitment.” – Boxing champion Laila Ali

That's exactly how I am. It is honestly harder for me to skip a workout than it is to just get it over with! And that's because I've worked so hard to get to the point I'm at that I will feel so guilty if I miss a workout! It may be hard to get yourself into that kind of routine but it's possible if you really commit yourself.

Here is the link to the article if you want to read the rest of it!

 It's October which means breast cancer awareness month and pink shirts at work! Not gonna lie, I kind of like wearing the pink shirts. It's a nice little change from the every day navy blue.

I took this picture the other day at work and then compared it to my one from last year. I've definitely put on a little weight since then. My weight has seriously been frustrating me so much lately. I so wish that I could just be comfortable with myself no matter what, but for some reason it really gets to me. I just hate how much I go up and down and up and down. It takes me SO LONG to get my weight down to what feels really good to me, then I seem to be able to ruin that in a weekend. It makes me feel so jealous and envious of those people who can eat anything they want and it doesn't do anything to them!

I feel like I've been trying so many different ways and nothing is really working except for barely eating anything at all. I tried cutting out meats, I tried paleo, I just straight up count my calories, etc. and nothing seems to really work except for eating a very little amount of food. Which sucks, because I love to eat:-( If only eating right were as easy as exercising.

I think food is just a really tough thing for me. It's like I'm still a fat girl living in a (kinda) skinny girls body. I love to eat when I'm bored, when I'm out at special events, and especially when I drink. I'm really bad at resisting temptation when it comes to food and especially desserts. If there is some type of dessert laying around at work, it takes SO much effort for me not to eat it. I literally have a war with myself in my head, outweighing the pros and cons and I KNOW that I don't need to eat it, but for some reason I just always give in and then I hate myself afterwards.

I really just need to start working on my will power. I need to be able to just say "No" and move on! If only things were that easy...

So I'm really excited because my gym got lots of new stuff. I tried this cardio machine the other day and I like it! It really burns your quads and I felt in it my butt a lot lol. There's a few other things I haven't tried out yet but I'll get to them eventually.

I'm also really happy because CPAT conditioning sessions are back! I went the other day for the first time and I totally forgot how good of a workout I get when I go there. It's really nice to have a change in routine. I think I get in the habit of doing the same stuff over and over so it's nice for me to have a change of pace. Plus I always workout harder when I know there's people watching me.

Lt. Bussing really holds me to a high standard and always talks about me to the candidates so I feel like I have to live up to the hype! It's really encouraging for me to know that I have people who look up to me and to know that I inspire some people.

So tomorrow is the Avenged Sevenfold concert in Baltimore. We got a hotel room and we're going to go out to eat/drink before the concert. We might go out afterwards too. I'm pretty excited, although I don't LOVE their new CD, it's ok. I'm hoping they play some of their older songs that I love.

Ok, time to go be productive on this gloomy day. I'll try to make my next blog less depressing!

Have a great day!
Anna

October Challenge

We did it! We finished Iron Team 2013 in 1:31 and that's with only one 3 minute time penalty! Our team did SOOOO awesome! It was definitely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and going into it I was so skeptical! But as the events went on and I kept getting through everything without any penalties, I realized "Hey, I CAN do this!" It was such an amazing feeling!

We ended up being 31/36 but that's ok! The time difference between each team was very close. It doesn't matter to me either way, the only thing I wanted to accomplish was finishing! And we sure did. There's no better feeling that people encouraging you and cheering you on. It's great!

After the competition, we all went out to Looney's and had a good time. I of course splurged and got a hamburger. I did burn over 1,400 calories though, so I think I deserved it! I think we all definitely want to do it again next year. This time we want to get more fire department people on board, considering we were the only fire department team there!

So the other day I went to Dick's and found out that they DO have crossfit shoes! They're sneaky and hide them in the back, so I didn't even know until I saw a manikin wearing them! So I tried on a few pairs and ended up getting these! So far I love them! Very comfortable, nice and flat for lifting, wide toe which is nice for me because I have pretty wide feet, so my toes never feel cramped in these. Not to mention, the purple is so pretty!

Speaking of Crossfit, a lot of people try to get me into it, and I know it's cool, I do like it, but I'm just not willing to pay $100-plus on top of my $83 a month gym membership! It's way too much, but I do what I can on my own, and you don't HAVE to do crossift to own these shoes so whatevssss!

How can I leave this for Crossfit anyways? My gym is so amazing and beautiful. They just made a whole bunch of upgrades to the lifting area which I love! They also got tons of new cardio equipment and put TV's on basically everything!

As snobby and pretentious as some of the people there can be, I still love it. It has everything I need, it's clean, it has pools and hot tubs which is awesome! So I think it's totally worth the $83 a month!

Oh, so CPAT conditioning just started back up again on Monday so I'm super excited about that! I better see lots of candidates there! I really hate the fact that these people have a FREE personal trainer at their hands, 3 times a week, and they still never show up! Then they expect to pass the CPAT with no prior training. Ridiculous. Hopefully we actually have more than 1 girl pass this time!

Saturday was the shooting competition for the Sons of Our Flag Burn Foundation at the trap and skeet shooting range in Glenn Dale. We had a blast. Our team consisted of Kevin, Myself, Charlie, Katie, Pete and our little junior member Aiden. Everyone made out pretty well. A few people got some plaques! I hadn't shot in at least over two year because I remember this picture and that was the last time I went shooting there. Obviously it was awhile ago because I was SO FAT. Ugh... I can't believe I looked like that! So gross.

So of course I had to get an "after" pic to compare. Much better this time around... although I'm still feeling pretty fat lately:-/ I tried really hard today to hardly eat anything and not gorge all day like I normally do!

After shooting, I figured while we were in the area-ish, I'd stop by the Trooper 2 crash site since I do every year now. I like to go and pay my respects, leave some flowers, and just sit there for a moment and remember that night.

It doesn't feel like it was 5 years ago. I just remember being at the firehouse back when I was a volunteer and it was late at night. I wasn't really paying attention to the radio; I'm pretty sure I was sleeping. We ended up getting transferred to 27 and it seemed so weird, but off we went. When we got there, I started reading the print outs for the call... there were tons of them. Back then we didn't have access to the CAD like we do now, so I couldn't just follow the call as it was going out.

I couldn't believe what I was reading, it was so wild. Things seemed so crazy and disorganized, it was so chaotic. We stayed at 27 a little bit longer and then we were released. On our way back, communications called us (the ambo) looking for our location. We were at 495 northbound and Arena Dr. They told us to respond to the helicopter crash.

We were so out of our element being in that area. I had no clue where we were going and we didn't have a mapbook for that area, so we had to use the ADC map which I'm not very good at! At least back then I wasn't.
We eventually made our way to the call and found a spot to park out of the way.

I had never seen so many higher up people in the fire department in one place. It was overwhelming and so hard to believe that this was really happening. I really didn't know what I should be doing. I almost felt like we got pushed to the side somewhat. Our ambulance was used for it's cot, blankets and a place to nap for some people. It was frustrating to me to not be able to help more.

We were there for 8 hours straight. The longest I had ever been on a call in my time in the fire department. The feelings I felt when I left the scene were mixed. I was tired, cranky, angry, frustrated and sad. I wanted to do so much more than sit by my ambulance. I wanted to be involved and be put to use. It was a very draining call, both physically and mentally. It was just very, very sad. And that is why I visit the site every year. I like being able to stand in the same spot where everything took place and just reflect. It's a very eerie but peaceful feeling.


OH, so the title of my blog... I decided on a new challenge. Last time was "No Alcohol April" and this time around I'm doing "Dessert Free October" !!!!!!!!! I know... scary. If you know me, you know I absolutely ADORE sweets. This is going to be tough. I can say no to sweets, the hard part is going to be remembering that I'm not supposed to eat them! I eat desserts so often that it's just like a regular meal to me! So I'm hoping I don't accidentally slip up! And yes, this includes NO HALLOWEEN CANDY!! Best believe, November 1st it's fair game!! Hehehe.

Anyhoo, I just got offered OT tomorrow so I must be getting to bed! Let's hope I can make this month better than last... in lots of aspects!

xoxoxo
Anna

Confessions of a Reformed Fat Girl

Ok, so I've been having some bad days this past week. I feel like I'm waiting for a break or something. A period of time where I just don't mess up, I eat perfect, I have epic workouts, and I don't go on my drunken binges. I've been struggling with that a lot lately. Am I alone in that category? I wonder if anyone else is like me when I drink. I literally become a world record eating champion. Let me tell you what I ate Friday night. This is so embarrassing, but I'm just gonna put it all out there because it'll make me feel better.
As usual, my day started out fine. Had a great workout, ate good food and felt pretty prepared for the concert that night. The fact that I burn so many calories makes me feel like I have a little room to splurge, but I always take it way too far.

We went to Union Jack's first and I had 2 margaritas and a vodka/soda/lime. I also had 8 wings. Then we headed over to Merriweather and before we sat down I got a shaved ice, blue flavor, of course. I started drinking more margaritas, which were 13 bucks by the way! Ridiculous, but they were strong! I then wanted a hot dog, so I got that, then a little later I got some boardwalk fries. When we went to leave, I saw an ice cream stand and that is my ultimate weakness. I got "Salted caramel crunch" ice cream on a pretzel cone!!! Oh. Em. Gee. Amazing ice cream!!

We left and Charlie wanted to go to Oliver's so we stopped by there for a little bit. I have no clue why, but I ordered a quesadilla. Ate that, then it was my bright idea to go to 7-11 on the way back home. I got a little thing of twix ice cream, and an El Salvadorian quesadilla, which is basically like a sweet corn bread.... ughhhh! WTF is wrong with me?? I mean, that's like 4,000 calories. I definitely didn't workout enough to eat all of that. So depressing:-(

I feel like I have to tell people this stuff sometimes because a lot of people seem to think I'm "perfect" for some reason. Like I'm a workout maniac who eats amazingly and has an awesome bod. No way. That's why I posted that picture up there. It's obvious that I am not perfect, or thin, or skinny in any way. Yeah, I do workout a ton, but I can't seem to get past this certain point because of the way I eat. I would love to have a flat stomach and ripped abs. But that actually comes from a strict diet, not just crunches and sit ups.

To the right is a beautiful body, in my opinion. She's not too small, she has curves in all the right places, and her stomach is flat. And of course the tattoos are hot! I would love to look like that! Even if it never happens, at least it gives me something to work towards. The dissatisfaction I have with my body is what keeps me going. If I had the body of my dreams, I may not workout as hard as I do now.

I really do love and appreciate when people tell me how pretty I am, or when I somehow get compared to another girl that is way hotter than me, it definitely gives me a confident boost. But that fat girl part of me can never seem to take a compliment! I'm just always in denial.

So enough about me being all blah. I need to find better stuff to talk about! My blogs used to be more interesting, now they're just a lot of whining. Typical me! Well, yesterday and Friday were really fun. Friday night Charlie and I went to Imagine Dragons at Merriweather, then yesterday Rayna and I went to Virgin Mobile Freefest. It was a blast, except for the rain! It started raining around 5pm and just made things suck. It was cold and muddy and really cramped with all the umbrellas floating around.

I mostly wanted to see City and Colour, MGMT and Robin Thicke. We got to be in the pit for City and Colour and they were great! It would've been nice to stay in there for MGMT but they make you leave the pit and come back, so once we got outside of the pavilion, it was impossible to get back in. That's right when it started raining too, so of course everyone wanted to get under the pavilion.

We decided to go over to the West Stage and find a good spot for Robin Thicke. It sucked standing in the rain for so long, but finally he came on stage and it was awesome! He put on a very good show!

We decided to leave right after he finished because we were just miserable. We walked to the closest firehouse and that's where Charlie picked us up. I'm surprised I didn't get pneumonia or something! I was so excited to get home and under the covers:-)

Since I knew I would feel crappy today, I decided to take off work. Its weird not being there when I'm supposed to! But it is nice to have a little break. Besides, I'm working tomorrow now anyways, gotta keep workin that OT! I'm also doing another burn with the recruits on Tuesday. And then, Wednesday... Iron Team! I'm starting to get soooo nervous!! I felt prepared up until they revealed one of the mystery events, which is tossing an empty keg over a VERY tall fence, then climbing the fence into the next box and doing it again for a total of 5 tosses/climbs. I've practiced it a little, but it's really tough! I'm just hoping I have tons of adrenaline that day and I can get through everything in a decent time.

Alright, it's 10:30am and I feel like I should start being productive. Not sure what I want to do today, maybe run? Maybe the gym? Or both! I've been getting back into running a lot lately and that makes me happy:-) I can easily do 6.5 miles and my knee hasn't bothered me yet! I hope it stays that way.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day and a productive week!

Anna

Always Remember, Never Forget...

Always remember...
You will make mistakes.
You will have bad days.
You can't be perfect.
You can't please everyone.
You will suffer sometimes.
You can't always get what you want.
You will have doubts.
You will hurt ones you love.

Never forget...
To love yourself.
To be thankful for what you have.
To love family and friends.
To smile every day.
To try your hardest and never give up.
That tomorrow is never promised.
Where you came from.
You are beautiful, no matter what anyone says.

And of course, Always Remember and Never Forget those who lost their lives during the tragic events of 9.11.01. I'm sure if those people could go back in time, a lot of them probably wish they would have done some things in life differently. That is why we must live life to the fullest NOW. Don't waste time wishing and hoping for things to be how you want them. Make it happen. If you want to be healthier and look better, start now. Don't just say "I wish I was thinner..." because wishing doesn't work, hard work does. I absolutely despise when people ask me what my "secret" is. HATE IT. It's not an f'ing secret! Look back at my blog. Look at what I've been through to get here. And see that I'm not at the "end" of anything. My weight is a constant battle. I didn't just reach my goal weight and stop trying! It's actually been way harder to stay at my goal weight than it was to lose those 80 pounds to begin with! So when people ask me ignorant questions like that, it really irritates me.

Anyways, I wasn't trying to make this a blog about ranting, so let me stop now and be positive! Well, kind of. I did have a somewhat bad week(end). It was fun, that's for sure, but I totally just let go. Granted, I worked out hard every day, as always, but my eating habits went out the window... wayyyy out the window. I know it's because of the drinking though. When I drink I become a bottomless abyss and I feel like I could win any type of eating contest. Screw "Man vs. Food!" I could blow that douche out of the water with my eating skills.

Of course when I drink, I start reasoning with myself. "You know, sometimes I just gotta live! I'm tired of always restraining myself and restricting myself! I just wanna eat what I wanna eat!! Jeez" All of that said with a drunken slur, of course. And it sounds good in the moment, and it's somewhat true. Sometimes it does feel nice to just be free, but I ALWAYS regret it in the morning. And then I go through the feelings of being depressed and hating myself for being such a slob. After that, I either do it again, or I start correcting myself.

Currently I'm trying to correct the damage I did over the past week. It was pretty bad. I think it's pretty unfair though that just because I ate a bag of cheeseburgers and 2 ice cream cones means I have to gain 20 pounds. I also ran 6 miles that day and burned almost 1,000 calories. What if I hadn't done that workout?! Then how much worse would it have been? I'm just envious of the people who don't have to do any type of exercise, they eat like crap, yet somehow they still are skinny. A-holes...

So anyhoo, I showed Charlie the trail where I'll be running at for the Iron Team competition the other day and we took Chief too. It was fun and very scenic. I think it may be my new trail running spot instead of Wincopin trail. Plus, it's got an epic lake all around the perimeter and it's so nice. I really wanted to go out on a boat or something so while I was at work on Tuesday, Charlie picked up a canoe from a friends house and we went out on it yesterday! Such a blast. It was so peaceful but at the same time it was a great workout! I'm definitely feeling it in my shoulders and back today. The fact that I did all upper body yesterday at the gym didn't help either!

Speaking of Iron Team, it's approaching very fast and I'm feeling semi confident! Katie and I have been going to the SOD and practicing with some of the equipment and It's not too bad when you're doing it individually but I know once we do everything combined it'll be way harder. I know we will finish though, I'm not worried about that. I'm just nervous! I don't think there are any other girls competing besides us. Maybe one other, but I'm not positive. So of course there's a lot more pressure to be awesome.

I finally went grocery shopping last night and got tons of awesome stuff. We went to Trader Joe's and Weis. There was lots of specialty stuff I wanted to get that only Trader Joe's has. I picked up some agave nectar, coconut milk ice cream, sweet potato chips, english peas, starfruit, and some random spices. Oh, and some 85% dark chocolate! Apparently chocolate isn't that paleo, but the darker the better so I got the darkest they had! We'll see how it is...

I tried the starfruit today. It's interesting. The texture is similar to a grape. The taste is sweet, but is almost like perfume. I wouldn't say I'm in love, but I might do it again. It looks pretty, that's for sure.

Last night Charlie was making BLT's so I made my own version which didn't use bread and I added a hard boiled egg and avocado. It was very yummy. I've been doing the egg/avocado combo a lot lately. The two textures mix very well together. I'll add tomatoes and tuna sometimes too, it's delish.

 

August was great. I feel pretty accomplished. Rarely were there any low calorie burn days. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm addicted to burning 1,000+ calories during all my workouts:-) I can't help it! I like being able to eat more hahaha! Also, I've been doing Insanity at work consistently now and I enjoy it. It's a real intense workout in a short period of time which is perfect cuz I never know when I'm gonna have to get up and go for a call. I've been really lucky lately though and haven't been getting interrupted during my workouts OR my showers which is a miracle!:-)

Well, I really need to go run. I got up earlier than usual today to try and get in an early run but then I was just being lazy and decided to write instead! Felt like I needed to get this over with before I procrastinated too much and waited another month!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and enjoy these last days of summer!! I know I am!!:-)

Love,

Anna

The Vicious Cycle

You know I've been slacking when I haven't even written a blog in over a month. I actually feel embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I don't really have a legit excuse besides lots of overtime and procrastination. Mostly the latter. But as you can see from my calendar, my workouts have never been skipped. The 3 pink days were when I was sick and I couldn't do much, so I just went for walks and a run. It still counts!

Regardless of my consistent workouts, if my diet fails, then nothing gets accomplished. And I've definitely been struggling in that department. It's been tough this summer because I've had a lot of events to go to and of course there's always booze and good food involved. Even when I go into something with a positive attitude like "Yeah, I'm going to only eat a little, and only the healthy stuff..." it never turns out that way.

Or, for example, the other day I decided to make a "Williamsburg Tipsy Cake" for the guys at work. While cooking it I told myself I wasn't going to eat any at all. That it was just for them, and I would just do something while they devoured it. Wrong. Not only did I eat some at work with them, but I had leftover ingredients so I made a mini one for Charlie and myself and gorged on that. FAIL.

So currently I feel like I'm in this vicious cycle of eat good/workout a lot/eat HORRIBLE/try to make up for it/drink a lot/eat a lot/ try to make up for it/and so on. And it sucks! I'll start my day off with good intentions. I'll log all my food and eat perfectly. I'll have an amazing workout and feel great. Then I have a few options... end the night like that, binge on some healthy food before bed, or end up going out drinking and ruining everything. The drinking option has been happening a lot lately. There haven't been many days lately where I don't wake up feeling regret. A big belly full of regret.

I just hate how easily I am tempted by food. It honestly feels like an addiction. I have a very, very hard time saying no to food. Like when Eddie bought me 2 red velvet donuts at work the other day... No way I could turn those babies down! But then afterwards I sit and think to myself "Was that really worth it? Did it taste as good as the feeling you feel when you look in the mirror and see your stomach is flat??" NO. It's only satisfying for that tiny moment in time and then BOOM. Automatically I feel depressed afterwards.

I wish there were some type of pill or something to make my mind not want food all the time. I just love to eat. I think about food all the time. Especially at work, it can be slow sometimes and I just wander into the kitchen all the time to see what I can snack on, thinking "Oh, just a few bites won't hurt..." but when you do that 10 times, it eventually catches up to you.

I know I'm sitting here ranting so much and it's probably annoying, but I just have to get this off my mind. I know some people can probably relate to this, but others don't seem to be able to relate to me. Like, it's honestly frustrating for me to see the guys at work eat way more than I do, and they don't work out one bit, but they don't change. They just stay the same and that's that. Me? I eat less, I workout a ton, yet if I have one bite too many, I blow up like a balloon. I know this sounds so bratty, but god it's so unfair! The hardest part is not letting it get me so down that I decide to just give up. Regardless of how much my weight goes up and down, I still stay committed and bust my butt in the gym.

Like I told Charlie the other night, (while I was tipsy at The Cheesecake Factory) I'm trying... I'm trying REALLY hard to get to the point where I can just accept things. Why can't I just accept my body the way it is, but continue to improve it? I said "Even if I am a little chubby and don't have a nice, slim physique like I want, at least I'm strong. I have that. I'm very strong and it's even better with a little weight behind it." Right? I felt kind of weak saying that, because it sounded like something a complacent person would say and that is not what I am. I just want to be happy, that's all.

Besides FEELING fat lately, I've been doing great in the gym. Always trying new stuff and pushing myself harder. Today I stayed in the gym for 2 hours. And surprisingly, only 30 minutes of that was on the stairmaster. Even though I love it, I do feel like the stairmaster is like cheating. All I'm doing is walking up stairs repeatedly so even though it does burn a ton of calories, it's not the same as moving my body around and using my own body weight and stuff to get my heart rate up. I did a lot of lifting today, combined with some ab work and some crossfit stuff. It was a good time and I was completely drenched. I love it when my hair looks like a just got out of the shower;-)

No matter how discouraged I can get, I refuse to give up. I always have to look back and see how far I've come. I sometimes look at old pictures of myself just to remind myself what I NEVER want to look like again. And I suppose that whatever I look like now, is better than what I used to! Still, I'm always trying to improve and I hope that one day I can look at a picture of myself and go "Wow, I look good!"

Hopefully I can get my butt back on track soon. I'm hoping once summer is over that I can be more strict on myself. I have a few events coming up that should be a good time, but of course I'll be drinking/eating. There's a crab feast next week, the MDA tournament, and 2 concerts! In October I'm going to the Avenged Sevenfold concert with Charlie, then our 3 year anniversary will be a couple weeks later, so that'll be a splurge! I think we're going to Philly for a couple of days. You know I gotta have a cheesesteak!!:-)

There's probably a lot more I could whine about, but I will refrain. Time to watch some Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, then bed! Work tomorrow:-) Thanks for listening to my rant!

xoxoxo
Anna

Rest Days?

Rosemary grilled salmon kabobs

Who needs em? Well, apparently me... I guess. Everyone knows I'm addicted to working out. Once I got on this roll I just couldn't stop. I look at my calendar every day and see all my work and I just can't stand to miss a day! It would make me very, very sad. So I choose to not have rest days. I know everyone says you need them, but I'm stubborn, what can I say?

Well, I think the no rest days finally caught up to me. That, coupled with the fact that I've been working overtime like a mad man! It started on Monday, I had worked at station 1 and went from there to station 30 to workout then do the CPAT conditioning class. I didn't actually think I was teaching the class that night but the person who was supposed to didn't show up, so I took over.

I came up with an awesome little routine for them. We did some pair workouts and then played with the bricks. Then someone decided to ask for more legs so that's what they got! We crushed legs! Wow, even MY legs were killing me. At the very end I even managed to slip some pilates in there!

Well, after an awesome workout, I got in my car to leave and noticed a little pinch in my throat when I swallowed. I didn't think much of it. It seemed to go away. I had some dinner and hung out with Charlie for a little bit then we hit the hay and it started coming back before I fell asleep. When he woke me up the next morning to say goodbye, I could tell it had gotten much worse. I could barely swallow and I was feeling pretty weak. I slept in a little longer and when I got up I took my temperature which turned out to be 100.4 Greaaaaat. So I made a doctors appointment for 1:45.

Egg whites with cocoa powder & strawberries

Well, unfortunately the doctor thinks its probably strep throat but I won't find out until tomorrow. Regardless, she started me on antibiotics. I had to call out of work today which sucks. Of course I feel guilty even though I know it was for the best.

So, besides not being able to do my usual killer workouts, I've been ok! I've mostly been working on eating "paleo" now. It's honestly not too bad. It's just hard to resist all the bread and cheese and dairy. Those are my weaknesses. But really, I didn't plan on being super strict paleo anyways. I still want to include grains and dairy in my diet, just not a lot.

Which brings me to the discussion of diets. I was thinking about it recently; how there are so many different "diets" people are on. Weight Watchers, Adkins, Medifast, whatever that shake diet is, and Paleo. I've chose to do paleo as well as still count my calories because counting my calories has always worked for me. It seems to be the one thing that keeps me on track with HOW MUCH I eat, at least. It may not always be the healthiest food, but at least I know it's not too much of a bad thing.

Now that I think about it, diets are almost like religions. Everyone has their own thing and they always think their thing is better. Certain diets seem cult like too. There's no way for me to say which way is the best way to go. My diet has kind of evolved over time. I didn't really pay attention to what I ate when I first started losing weight and I did still lose a lot of weight. But now I'm to the point where I want my body to be in it's prime. To be healthy and strong and energized! I want it to be happy with what I'm feeding it. That's why I chose paleo, because it seems to make the most sense when you read about it. By the way, if anyone is interested in learning about paleo, go to this website and read the 15 tips under "Paleo 101" https://www.paleodietlifestyle.com

That website also has great recipes that we've been trying. The first picture in this blog is a recipe from that site and it was amazing!! So delicious. And after you eat a paleo meal you feel so clean and satisfied and just healthy! I've already noticed some changes in my body and it's helping with my weight too, so I'm sticking with it!

Whichever way you are choosing to lose weight, just remember that it needs to become a permanent lifestyle change. It's not a temporary thing. If you want to lose weight and keep it off, you have to stay consistent with the way you eat. I've already learned the hard way that if you go back to your old ways, the weight will come back, fast!

Another topic I wanted to discuss was exercise. Lately, I've had a few people approach me and ask for tips or help with working out. I've even had people ask me to basically personally train them, which is surprising because I definitely am not a personal trainer. I think it's very flattering that people would come to me with those types of questions, but I find it very hard to answer them.

People seem to ask me questions that come off like they are looking for a simple solution to their problems. They want to know some "quick tips" or my "secrets." I definitely don't have any secrets. I think I make it pretty clear that all I do is bust my butt working out every day. It is simple. Eat less, workout more. That's all it comes down to. But there's no way that I can physically give people the motivation they need to get started. Everyone asks me "What clicked for you?" and I just don't know what to say! I never had an "A-ha" moment where everything just made sense. It all just slowly came together for me and I began to develop a love and passion for working out. I just can't tell people how to feel that same way!

So I apologize to anyone who is looking for help from me. I wish I could tell you there was a magic pill, but there's not. It takes lots of hard work and dedication. Sweat and tears. Ups and downs. 2 steps forward and 1 step back kind of deal. But if you give it your all and never lose sight of your goals and dreams then you will get there, I promise.

Well I must be off to go lay on the couch and sulk about being sick. The best part has been watching "Orange Is The New Black" all day. That show is AWESOME! Highly recommend it!

Oh, by the way, I've reached over 1,000 views!!! Yay!! Thank you wonderful people:-)