The Vicious Cycle

You know I've been slacking when I haven't even written a blog in over a month. I actually feel embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I don't really have a legit excuse besides lots of overtime and procrastination. Mostly the latter. But as you can see from my calendar, my workouts have never been skipped. The 3 pink days were when I was sick and I couldn't do much, so I just went for walks and a run. It still counts!

Regardless of my consistent workouts, if my diet fails, then nothing gets accomplished. And I've definitely been struggling in that department. It's been tough this summer because I've had a lot of events to go to and of course there's always booze and good food involved. Even when I go into something with a positive attitude like "Yeah, I'm going to only eat a little, and only the healthy stuff..." it never turns out that way.

Or, for example, the other day I decided to make a "Williamsburg Tipsy Cake" for the guys at work. While cooking it I told myself I wasn't going to eat any at all. That it was just for them, and I would just do something while they devoured it. Wrong. Not only did I eat some at work with them, but I had leftover ingredients so I made a mini one for Charlie and myself and gorged on that. FAIL.

So currently I feel like I'm in this vicious cycle of eat good/workout a lot/eat HORRIBLE/try to make up for it/drink a lot/eat a lot/ try to make up for it/and so on. And it sucks! I'll start my day off with good intentions. I'll log all my food and eat perfectly. I'll have an amazing workout and feel great. Then I have a few options... end the night like that, binge on some healthy food before bed, or end up going out drinking and ruining everything. The drinking option has been happening a lot lately. There haven't been many days lately where I don't wake up feeling regret. A big belly full of regret.

I just hate how easily I am tempted by food. It honestly feels like an addiction. I have a very, very hard time saying no to food. Like when Eddie bought me 2 red velvet donuts at work the other day... No way I could turn those babies down! But then afterwards I sit and think to myself "Was that really worth it? Did it taste as good as the feeling you feel when you look in the mirror and see your stomach is flat??" NO. It's only satisfying for that tiny moment in time and then BOOM. Automatically I feel depressed afterwards.

I wish there were some type of pill or something to make my mind not want food all the time. I just love to eat. I think about food all the time. Especially at work, it can be slow sometimes and I just wander into the kitchen all the time to see what I can snack on, thinking "Oh, just a few bites won't hurt..." but when you do that 10 times, it eventually catches up to you.

I know I'm sitting here ranting so much and it's probably annoying, but I just have to get this off my mind. I know some people can probably relate to this, but others don't seem to be able to relate to me. Like, it's honestly frustrating for me to see the guys at work eat way more than I do, and they don't work out one bit, but they don't change. They just stay the same and that's that. Me? I eat less, I workout a ton, yet if I have one bite too many, I blow up like a balloon. I know this sounds so bratty, but god it's so unfair! The hardest part is not letting it get me so down that I decide to just give up. Regardless of how much my weight goes up and down, I still stay committed and bust my butt in the gym.

Like I told Charlie the other night, (while I was tipsy at The Cheesecake Factory) I'm trying... I'm trying REALLY hard to get to the point where I can just accept things. Why can't I just accept my body the way it is, but continue to improve it? I said "Even if I am a little chubby and don't have a nice, slim physique like I want, at least I'm strong. I have that. I'm very strong and it's even better with a little weight behind it." Right? I felt kind of weak saying that, because it sounded like something a complacent person would say and that is not what I am. I just want to be happy, that's all.

Besides FEELING fat lately, I've been doing great in the gym. Always trying new stuff and pushing myself harder. Today I stayed in the gym for 2 hours. And surprisingly, only 30 minutes of that was on the stairmaster. Even though I love it, I do feel like the stairmaster is like cheating. All I'm doing is walking up stairs repeatedly so even though it does burn a ton of calories, it's not the same as moving my body around and using my own body weight and stuff to get my heart rate up. I did a lot of lifting today, combined with some ab work and some crossfit stuff. It was a good time and I was completely drenched. I love it when my hair looks like a just got out of the shower;-)

No matter how discouraged I can get, I refuse to give up. I always have to look back and see how far I've come. I sometimes look at old pictures of myself just to remind myself what I NEVER want to look like again. And I suppose that whatever I look like now, is better than what I used to! Still, I'm always trying to improve and I hope that one day I can look at a picture of myself and go "Wow, I look good!"

Hopefully I can get my butt back on track soon. I'm hoping once summer is over that I can be more strict on myself. I have a few events coming up that should be a good time, but of course I'll be drinking/eating. There's a crab feast next week, the MDA tournament, and 2 concerts! In October I'm going to the Avenged Sevenfold concert with Charlie, then our 3 year anniversary will be a couple weeks later, so that'll be a splurge! I think we're going to Philly for a couple of days. You know I gotta have a cheesesteak!!:-)

There's probably a lot more I could whine about, but I will refrain. Time to watch some Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, then bed! Work tomorrow:-) Thanks for listening to my rant!

xoxoxo
Anna