In the 4th Year

4 years. I can't believe it. Time is flying by and when I look at my life and the progress I've made, I can't help but to think I could've done more. But then I take a moment and realize just truly how far I have come and how much I've dedicated myself to this journey.

For those who have just recently started reading this blog and don't know the back story, it all started like this...

Back in January 2011 I was working at Children's Hospital in the NICU. I was 22 years old, a newly wed and happy as could be. Besides being overweight, I really had no complaints with my life. I was content... ugh, that word makes me cringe now.

Well one day a few of the girls had the idea to do our own version of "The Biggest Loser" where we would have teams of 5-6 people and each person would pay $50 to start and $2 at every weigh in which would occur once a week. The pot would be split two ways. Half to the team who lost the biggest percentage of weight and the other half to the individual who lost the biggest percentage.

I had tried to lose weight before, but never in a competitive way, so I figured I'd give it a try and joined the team "Slinderellas"
The competition was over a 12 week period. Lots of people joined so our money pot became quite large.

At first I didn't really have high hopes because I had attempted losing weight before and never had much luck. But throw competition in there and I get serious. I love to win and I hate to lose so I was going pretty hardcore.

Looking back at it, I'm so surprised I was able to lose the amount of weight I did with the tiny bit of knowledge I had. All I did was download the app "MyFitnessPal" and track my calories. My exercise consisted of walking and "attempting" to do Jillian Michael's workout DVDs. It's crazy to think that I couldn't even finish some of the 30 minute DVD's back then and now I can do 70 minute Insanity DVD's! Hah!

Well, long story short, I started to see progress week after week after week. The results were amazing and kept me going. At the end of 12 weeks, not only did our team win the biggest percentage of weight lost but *I* lost the biggest percentage as well!!! Winning that competition felt great. But the real amazing feeling was the fact that in 3 months I had lost 30 pounds!! I was on top of the world and whatever I was doing was working, so I kept it going!

We did another competition immediately following and I won that one as well! That feeling of accomplishment just drove me to push farther. At 5 months in I had lost 50 pounds and by the end of 1 whole year I had lost a grand total of 81 pounds! I went from 231.4lbs, size 18/20 jeans, 2XL shirts and 38D's to 150lbs, size 11 jeans, medium shirts and 36B's!
All awesome except maybe the boobs. That's a bummer! But hey, I will sacrifice those puppies all day if it means having a slimmer, healthier body!

Over the months and years I started to become more knowledgeable about health and fitness. It became more about being "fit" rather than being "skinny." I went from 149lbs at my lowest to a comfortable 155lbs. That's what I tend to float around up to this day. I started to build muscles that I never had before. I could actually see these weird shaped things coming out of my stomach... I think they're called "abs?"

Once I started to lift, it was like my life was starting all over again. All I had known about fitness had changed.  And it continues to change! The amount of knowledge I have soaked up over the years is crazy. One fitness expert tells you this, another one tells you that. I went from eating Lean Cuisines and sugar free Jell-O cups to prepping a weeks worth of meals. I have all these things constantly going through my head like "What should my macros be? Did I eat too many carbs today? Is my protein enough to build muscle? Is today leg day?" Sometimes it almost becomes overwhelming!

Getting into fitness has definitely changed my life, that's for sure. In so many more ways than I ever thought it would. It opened doors even when it came to my career.
After being hired for some time, I was asked if I wanted to help out with the CPAT process. Of course I said 'yes!'

The CPAT process is my favorite time of the year! I absolutely love it and the motivation it gives me. We do fitness conditioning sessions on Monday and Wednesday evenings which basically is an hour workout for the potential recruits. It helps to prepare to candidates to actually take the CPAT test. It really makes me happy to see the people who show up and how much they dedicate themselves to getting hired by this department.

It really shows your character when you show up to EVERY session and really give it 100% Those are the kind of people who inspire ME and keep ME motivated! Whenever I run the workouts and see them trying their hardest it just pushes me even more. Obviously I can't tell them to do 50 pushups if I myself can't even do 50! So it really helps me to stay in better shape. Not to mention I usually do my own workout on top of whatever I do with the candidates.

In general, fitness has enhanced my life in so many ways. It's made me a stronger, braver and more confident person. It's a good feelings when you KNOW that you can do your job and you don't have to rely on anyone for help. Especially in this field of work. Yes, there are plenty male firefighters who have no problem lending a hand to a female, even if she doesn't need the help!

That's all fine and dandy, but what I'm concerned about is my crew and their safety. I don't want to be their "weakest link." I want to know in my head and my heart that if ANYONE on my crew were to go down and relied on me to get them out, that I could do it without a second thought.

And that's what I try to keep in mind at all times. The days when I'm hating what I see in the mirror. The times that I feel like "the big girl," when I compare myself to skinny girls who can wear super cute clothes that I would never be able to pull off... I just have to tell myself that it's not all about that Anna. It's about being STRONG.

I don't do races as much as I used to considering I've cut back on my cardio a lot and focus more on strength training. I did do one in 2014. The Zooma Half Marathon. I honestly wish I could do more but at this point the doctors have already told me that my knee is pretty jacked up. They say there's a lot of scar tissue behind my knee cap and that's what causes me pain when I run for long distances.

I will continue to run, but I'll just have to cut back on the miles or just start walking when I start to feel the pain. It sucks, but hey, I guess that's what getting old is right? Haha.

I'm glad I was able to get in the amount of races I did back in my prime. I still remember my first 5k and how proud of myself I was for finishing it. Even though it took me 38 minutes and I had to walk justtttt a little bit at the end! I couldn't have been happier to accomplish something I thought would never be a possibility to me!

That's the crazy thing about a lot of the things I do in life now... At one point in time I considered them "impossible."
It's so sad that myself and so many others out there gave or give themselves limits! I look back and I can't believe I would tell myself "You'll never be able to do that. Oh, that'll never happen. You're way too fat to do that." It's really such a shame. It makes me so angry that such a big part of my life was wasted on complacency and doubting myself. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change myself earlier, but like I always say, I regret nothing because I love where I'm at now, and if it wasn't for my past, the good and the bad, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I know you're probably thinking "Jeez, conceited much?" with all the pictures I'm posting of myself, but the point of them is to show how much I've changed. How over the past 4 years I've evolved. Sometimes I do really well and I love the way I look. Other times I'm frustrated and just so annoyed with my body.

Even to this day I've said things like "I'll never be able to get a flat stomach." But why not? I should never say never! It's always a possibility if I work hard enough at it. And I will. I've got so much determination in me right now, it's insane. I spent the end of 2014 having a war with myself in my head. Looking at myself in the mirror thinking how fat I look. Telling myself I'll do better tomorrow. Trying to do better tomorrow and just pretending that the things I'm doing are okay and that I worked out enough to eat this or that.

The fact of the matter is I was lying to myself. Acting like the giant heaping spoonful of peanut butter was "a tablespoon" or like the 5 pieces of chocolate I ate just didn't count. I like to log my food religiously but I was definitely bad with not adding those little snacks here in there that eventually add up to way more than you think. So I finally had to say enough is enough and just be honest with myself!

It's hard! Really, very, extremely hard to be honest with yourself. In all aspects of life. But once you are, the amount of guilt it relieves is awesome. It feels like a weight lifted off your shoulders. Logging my food and putting "7oz of chicken, 100gms of asparagus and 100gms of sweet potato" and knowing 100% that I'm not lying about also eating a pound of peanut butter is really nice.

I think that that's probably the number one step people need to do before they start any type of lifestyle change. It starts with the mental aspect; your attitude and your outlook towards the process. If you're stubborn and not willing to change then it will not work out for you. You have to be ready to deal with the feeling of hunger, the feeling of deprivation, the feeling of being knocked down and not wanting to get up, but doing it anyways.

Starting a fitness journey is a big kick in the balls/vag whatever you may have. It's a smack in the face. A big FAT reality check! You may think you've been "eating pretty healthy" and "working out some" but once you really dedicate your life to it, it's a real eye opener how much you've been slacking your whole life. Sweating to death, feeling out of breath, fat jiggling and shaking the whole house. It's embarrassing and probably one of the reasons people give up so fast. They don't want people to see them in that state. They're afraid. And I totally understand because I sure as hell was too. That's why I only walked (no jiggling) and did workout videos in the safety of my own home. And when I did finally start running I strictly ran at night! Haha.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this... I just want people to know that it's possible. That if you truly want to do this, you can. Don't let others doubt you, but most importantly, don't doubt yourself. I have lots of support, trust me, but there's days I still feel so alone on this journey. Sometimes you just want to give up because you wonder what's the point? Is all this hard work, blood, sweat and tears going to pay off in the end? To be honest, who knows!

Maybe one day I'll look back and wonder why I put so much effort into my body. But I highly doubt that. You only have one body. And it's like a piece of clay. You can mold it any way you want. You can treat it like trash or you can cherish it and make the most of it. I don't want to waste any more days NOT taking full advantage of what my body is capable of. I know I can be SO much better than what I am now and I will.
It may take some time, but I will get there.

So what are you waiting for? Monday? Until after the Holidays? Pay day? Are you "too old" to start? Too scared? Are you waiting for some kind of epiphany? Just ask yourself "why not?" and if you don't have a good excuse then start NOW. I'm so glad I made the decision to change my life the way I did. No matter how many bumps I've hit along the way, nothing will ever hold me back from reaching my goals and making my dreams come true.

Well, I suppose that's enough motivational speechyness for me! My overtime is done and I'm off for a late night workout!

Goodnight!

Anna

2014 Recap

I promise, I'm still alive. I know I haven't written a blog since August, but I feel it's justified. So much has happened between that last blog and now, but I feel like the dust has finally settled.

This blog will mostly be recapping my year and trying to catch everyone up on the important stuff. These days my blog mostly seems to just be clarification on all the rumors out there about me, but that's ok! If people are gonna talk about me regardless then I rather it be the truth instead of some random nonsense.

The beginning of 2014 started off great. I was at 32 still, but on B shift. Everything was great in that department. I spent most of 2014 working on getting turned over to drive. My Captain was awesome with doing drills every day and letting me drive everywhere we went. I felt like I made a lot of progress.

In March I got my brand new car! That was super exciting for me. And it's still doing awesome to this day, granted I've put a whole buncha miles on it!
I turned 26 on the 21st and we took a little trip to Atlantic City. Even though it was cut short, I still had a great time.

I know we ran this fire, but I don't remember when! Haha. We didn't have many this year, but it made me grateful for the ones I did get. And in reality, it's best for the citizens that we didn't run too many fires, but we know how that goes!
Work in general was just a blast. I enjoyed coming in every shift and training with the crew. We shared stories and jokes. We were constantly laughing. I worked with a great group of guys.

Life seemed to be perfect for the time being. I was in a great relationship, had the best job in the world, a new car, we had just moved into our new apartment in Odenton… I had it all! What more could I ask for? But so it seems that life always tends to find a way to knock you down when you're standing so tall. And that it sure did!

Sure, I had plenty of great times this year. I completed my second half marathon. The Zooma Half in Annapolis which was absolutely perfect. The weather, the scenery, the course and the post race perks. It was fantastic.

The best part of that race was having my boyfriend waiting for me when I crossed the finish line.
So many times in the past I had run races and always crossed alone. Only 1 out of my 11 races in 2012 did Charlie ever once come with me. ONE time… It really sucks to not feel supported when you accomplish something so big like that. At least to me it was big…

Matt was there with open arms and really showed me how proud he was of me. Later we went out for some lunch and drinks which was much needed after 13.1 miles! My legs were DONE! I haven't done another since but I may attempt to again sometime in the future.

We both got the opportunity to compete in a race together when we did the Spartan Sprint. What a BLAST! That was by far the best obstacle course race I've ever done. It was fun, challenging, and very muddy. We also had Vinny and Chris on our team. It was such a good time and the team work that was demonstrated by not only our teammates, but by others on the course, was so impressive. It was really a nice reminder that there's still good people out there in this world.

This was Matt's first race of this type and I think he really enjoyed it. He had the biggest smile on his face when we finished. That is until we all passed out in the car on the drive home. We were so exhausted! I can't even remember what we did the rest of that day but I highly doubt I ever made it off the couch!

I contemplated doing the harder versions of the race, but I'm not sure if I could! It's double the miles and obstacles! Maybe one day I'll give it a try….

Allison and I made two trips to Ocean City this summer! Both times were a blast. The first one was hilarious. We spent all day in the water drinking. It was nice and sunny out and we were definitely getting burned by the sun. After many a pain in de ass, we decided to relocate to one of the rafts.
Hours later we woke up, still on the raft, it's cold and cloudy out and no one else is in the water! Hahaha… we totally passed out for who knows how long!

We got up and made our way outta the water, went and got some BBQ and then attempted to figure out where else to go. But by that point we were so drained that we just decided to drive back home!

We did go up again for a 2 day stay and it was much more successful. We managed to stay awake the whole time. Although we somehow ended up going on the weekend that everyone and their mom was having their bachelorette party, so that kinda sucked but it was still good times!:-)

The end of October and the beginning of September were NOT my good months…
On October 30th I went to court for my divorce hearing. Everything went smooth and it was all finalized. It was definitely rough seeing Charlie there and not saying a word to him. So very awkward.

I had seen my first officer before my court date and he told me this, which stuck with me to that day…
"Do not cry. Do not let him see you hurt. Don't let him think that you're weak. You're strong and you can do this."
When he told me that it meant so much. I don't think he realizes how much of an impact he has made on not only my career, but my life as well.
I reminded myself of what he said the whole time I was in court and never once shed a tear. I was pretty proud of myself.

It was definitely weird closing that chapter of my life. It's hard to believe that it's over sometimes, but it's for the best. I couldn't be happier with my life and I know if I wouldn't have made such drastic decisions then I wouldn't be where I am now.

The following week, on September 5th, was a life changing day. I can't divulge all the details because I'm not sure who all reads this. But needless to say, Matt and I's relationship ended that day and it was not on good terms. It was a very dramatic, painful and sad ending.
We had just been together for 1 year that month, actually. And now our relationship came to a sudden halt.

A couple weeks after that, I was transferred out of station 32 and sent to station 1 in Hyattsville.
The anger and frustration that I felt when I received the phone call for my transfer notification is indescribable. Tears began to run down my face because I couldn't believe that after 2 and a half years at the same station, I was being forced to leave. And the worst part was that I couldn't do a damn thing about it. That feeling of helplessness is the worst. I was so so soooo mad!

After it set it that it was really happening, I decided to just calm down and accept it. Instead of being mad and bitter about it, I decided to be happy and look forward to a new beginning.  Maybe this was the change I needed. A new home, a new crew, a new first due. The possibilities at this station were endless, I thought to myself.

It was scary starting somewhere new. It's hard being the new guy and trying to fit in with everyone. I just wanted to be accepted. It's a little difficult when you're coming into a new station with the reputation that I have, but I think things went pretty smooth.
Only my second week in and we already went out to a Caps game together! it was a blast! I really felt like my new crew was accepting me:-)

October 1st was the Iron Team Competition. This was Katie and I's second year competing and this time we had an all girls team! It was crazy because we were in the limelight! We had news crews interviewing us and it felt like cameras were on us the whole time!

It definitely made the pressure even more intense than it already was, but I think we did awesome!! Who cares if we came in last place?? We finished and that's all that matters. We will definitely be in it again next year, that's for sure!

A huge accomplishment for me this year was getting 1,000+ followers on my fitness Instagram account!! I didn't even realize that I've had it for a little over a year now! I never expected it to grow the way it did. I simply started it to share what kind of workouts I did or the foods I ate. Now it's crazy to me that some of my pictures get 100+ likes or that I get at least a new follower every day.

Even if it helps to motivate at least ONE person, I feel like I've made a difference. I know I'm not a professional, or an expert, but I feel like I can give advice and tips that are helpful to "normal" or "average" people. Obviously I'm not in the perfect shape so I have no room to tell people how they should or shouldn't look, and I can't even guarantee that my tactics work! All I can do is give suggestions on what works or has worked for me in the past and hope that it helps people out!:-)

Either way, just having the Instagram in general keeps me motivated because I feel like I have to keep myself accountable. I don't want to fail all these followers that I have and just be like "Well, sorry guys, I decided to get fat and let you all down!" So yeah, it trying to motivate others, it's motivated me just as much, if not more!

The end of 2014… ahhh, what a weird way to finish the year.
In November I hurt myself at work while doing a door pop for the first time in the field. The spreaders slipped out and smacked my thigh so hard. The pain was insane. I ended up going to the hospital and then being off work for 2 weeks. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I couldn't believe how long it took me to recover. And that wasn't even feeling 100%. I've also been going to physical therapy 2-3 times a week for the past 2 months. That has helped a lot with the healing process.

I was supposed to work today but yesterday I felt like death and went to the doctors only to find out I have the flu. WOMP WOMP WOMP!!! My temperature was 102.4! Not cool at all. I'm on a few meds right now and drinking NyQuil like it's water so I'm feeling pretty good for now. It's just reallllllly messing with my workouts. I was all excited to start the new year all fresh and hardcore in the gym. Now I can't even go in there cuz I have to rest:-( Very disappointing. I'll also be off of work until Friday. Again, lots of free time and none of it to be spent in the gym! Such a bummer.

Needless to say, 2014 was a very interesting year. It had some very good ups, but some very bad downs. I'm really hoping that 2015 will be a better year. I've decided to give up alcohol until St. Patty's Day, so that should be a good challenge and help with my weight loss.
I really plan on transforming my body so much this year. No more playing around. I want to see a big, BIG change in the way I look.

For now I am enjoying the single life and having fun. Part of me always says "I will NEVER get married again!" but then I also have that tiny sliver of hope that mayyyyyybe one day I will find that person who stands out from the rest. I hope that I do realize it when I find them though. I feel so cynical and negative these days. I often wonder if I'd even be any good at a relationship anymore.

After going through a divorce, you lose a lot. I feel like parts of me are missing. My kindness, my compassion for others, my ability to show sympathy, and mostly trust in my self. How can I trust myself after the things I've done?  I hope that if I do find someone that I truly love and care about, that I won't make the same mistakes again.

Right now I just feel like I wouldn't be able to put 100% of myself into a relationship because there isn't 100% of me left. I need to work on getting those things back that I feel are missing. But how do you become whole again? How can I become more compassionate and caring? I'm not sure what I have to do to get back to that old Anna, but I'm working on it. My main focus in life right now is ME. Before I can commit to anyone else, I need to be back to 100% and that's all I'm certain of right now.

Anyways… I feel like I'm blabbering on about useless stuff. But one other thing I did tell myself I would try for the new year was to write AT LEAST one blog a month from here on out. So I'm gonna do my best! Expect one from me on Friday. That is the 4 year anniversary of my weight loss journey! I'll definitely have to reflect back on that!

Well, I hope this blog wasn't too boring or whiny. I haven't written in so long so I feel kinda off! Maybe the next one will be better.

Stay warm friends:-)

Anna