You Need Not to Climb Mountaintops...

You need not to cross the sea,
You need not to find a cure for everything that makes you weak.
You need not to reach for the stars when life becomes so dark,
And when the wind does blow against the grain,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

When all your friends have come and gone,
And the sun no longer shines,
And the happiness for which you long is washed away like an ocean's tide,
When all the hard times outweigh the good,
And all your words are misunderstood,
When the day seems lost from the start
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

If you feel you've paid the price,
And your wounds should cease to heal
And everything you love in life spins like a winding wheel.
If you should wake to find you're abandoned,
And the road you've traveled leads to a dead-end
When death creeps in to play it's part,
You must follow your heart,
You must follow your heart.

That song... completely heart wrenching but I absolutely love it and have been listening to it constantly. I've always loved City and Colour but I just started listening to all of their older CD's as well and stumbled upon this jewel. It really just resonates with me. It gives me the chills and makes me feel so... emotional. Ugh, I know I said I wouldn't write another depressing blog...

Lately, I have been real down in the dumps. Sometimes I look back at my old life and I miss the freedom I had. Granted, I felt trapped in my fat body, I still had the freedom of being able to eat whatever I wanted and not think about the repercussions. I could go out to eat with my friends or family and not care one bit about what I was ordering. I got to enjoy some real awesome food. Still, at the end of the day I was unhappy with my body and so I decided to change that.

I had no idea that in changing my body, I would in turn change my whole life. It was like a ripple effect. Losing weight and exercising allowed me to have the career I wanted. Getting really into working out allowed me to find my passion for fitness and training. Watching what I ate made me really think of what I was putting into my body and I started learning way more about nutrition rather than just purely calorie counting. Those were all good things that losing weight affected...

I never thought about the emotional aspects it would affect. My relationship with my husband, family, and friends. The way I am perceived by those around me. In some ways people treat me like a celebrity. The fact that I lost 81 pounds blows people away and they just want to know all my secrets. I can never seem to get it through to people though that there are no secrets. People don't want to accept the fact that losing weight takes actual hard work and dedication. They all want the easy way out. Well you know all that fun you had going out to eat? You know how easy it was to stuff your face with cakes and pies and how good it felt to lay on the couch and be lazy? Working your ass off, sweating to death, being sore and wanting to die are not as easy. If it's easy, it's probably not working. Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy...

Even though I know I'm surrounded by people who support me and people who have been there throughout this whole process, I somehow manage to feel so alone. So alone on my quest to be perfect. I know perfection is an unrealistic expectation, but I can't help it. I have some image in my head of what I want to be like and I just cant seem to get there, no matter how hard I try. I've never met someone who feels just like I do. It's rare that I even find someone who likes to work out as much as me. At work I get made fun of for working out. I try not to let it get to me, but when people constantly tease you about working out and crossfit (which I don't even do) it just starts to wear on you. It's also so hard to be the only one at work and at home who lives the way I do. No one is on board with my workout or eating habits, anywhere. I have a few select friends who are very similar to me, but it's different when you live and work with people who are basically against what you do. It makes you feel very alone sometimes.

Not only has losing weight changed my life in physical, social and emotional ways, but it has made me develop some maybe not so good habits along the way. When people hear the words "eating disorder" their first thoughts are anorexia or bulimia. I can honestly say I feel like I have some type of eating disorder. I have a terrible body image and self esteem problem. People see me, and they tell me I look beautiful, amazing, awesome, hot, etc. and that's great. It really is. But I can't seem to accept those compliments. It feels nice to hear them, but deep down inside, I don't believe them. I feel like when people say stuff like that, they're only meaning I'm "hot" "beautiful" or "sexy" in comparison to my OLD self. Not just in general.

I get so frustrated at the fact that I can't lose weight that I just stop eating. For me, it's easier to just NOT eat than it is to try and eat right. And I'm a big advocate of eating properly and getting the right amount of calories and all that. But for me, I feel like I'm struggling so hard to do right and nothing is working that I just turn to starving myself. I would never condone that or encourage people to do it, I'm just telling you all what it's like for me.

I know some people can understand what I'm going through, but there's no one out there who knows EXACTLY what it's like to be me. No one can be just like me, and that's fine. Sometimes I just wish there was somebody around to be proof to me that I will get through this. I know that there will never be an "end" to my weight loss journey. There's no finish line to cross, and that's ok. This is going to be a constant battle I fight for the rest of my life and I think I'm ok with that. Working towards the perfect body gives me the motivation I need every day to keep doing what I'm doing. I hope that in my journey to perfection and through all the harsh times, that I don't hurt those around me. My only hope is to give motivation and inspiration to people who know me or people who have read my story. 

This isn't a cry for help or pity or any kind of sympathy. This is me just putting my life out there for anyone to read. Maybe someone can relate with me. Maybe this blog can reach out to someone who needs to hear these kinds of things.

Life in general is NOT easy... but there are many things you can do to make it harder, or easier on yourself. There's lots of paths you can choose, or you can make your own. Set goals, have dreams and spend however long it takes to reach them... just never give up.

Anna

...And the Streak Ends

As much as I hate feeling like a slacker, or a quitter, I know it was necessary for me to take a break from working out. Between May 27th, 2013 and September 23rd, 2013 I took no rest days. That's 151 days straight working out. I had some days that I didn't do too much, like go for long walks and stuff, because I was sick. But even on our week long vacation in NC, I worked out every day.

My friend Katie sent me an article called "7 Things Really Fit People Do to Stay In Shape" and it had so many things that I could relate to in it. Here is my favorite one that I definitely believe in...

3. They prioritize their health and fitness.

While most people let work, family, social engagements and other priorities get in the way of exercise, really fit people make exercise a priority no matter what.

Yes, this may mean having to get up 15 minutes earlier when you’d rather be sleeping, working out on vacation, or fitting in a workout even when your life seems busier than you can handle. But once you build up the habit, it actually becomes harder to not exercise because you become so used to prioritizing it in your life.

“People who are fit are the same as anyone else. The only difference is their level of commitment.” – Boxing champion Laila Ali

That's exactly how I am. It is honestly harder for me to skip a workout than it is to just get it over with! And that's because I've worked so hard to get to the point I'm at that I will feel so guilty if I miss a workout! It may be hard to get yourself into that kind of routine but it's possible if you really commit yourself.

Here is the link to the article if you want to read the rest of it!

 It's October which means breast cancer awareness month and pink shirts at work! Not gonna lie, I kind of like wearing the pink shirts. It's a nice little change from the every day navy blue.

I took this picture the other day at work and then compared it to my one from last year. I've definitely put on a little weight since then. My weight has seriously been frustrating me so much lately. I so wish that I could just be comfortable with myself no matter what, but for some reason it really gets to me. I just hate how much I go up and down and up and down. It takes me SO LONG to get my weight down to what feels really good to me, then I seem to be able to ruin that in a weekend. It makes me feel so jealous and envious of those people who can eat anything they want and it doesn't do anything to them!

I feel like I've been trying so many different ways and nothing is really working except for barely eating anything at all. I tried cutting out meats, I tried paleo, I just straight up count my calories, etc. and nothing seems to really work except for eating a very little amount of food. Which sucks, because I love to eat:-( If only eating right were as easy as exercising.

I think food is just a really tough thing for me. It's like I'm still a fat girl living in a (kinda) skinny girls body. I love to eat when I'm bored, when I'm out at special events, and especially when I drink. I'm really bad at resisting temptation when it comes to food and especially desserts. If there is some type of dessert laying around at work, it takes SO much effort for me not to eat it. I literally have a war with myself in my head, outweighing the pros and cons and I KNOW that I don't need to eat it, but for some reason I just always give in and then I hate myself afterwards.

I really just need to start working on my will power. I need to be able to just say "No" and move on! If only things were that easy...

So I'm really excited because my gym got lots of new stuff. I tried this cardio machine the other day and I like it! It really burns your quads and I felt in it my butt a lot lol. There's a few other things I haven't tried out yet but I'll get to them eventually.

I'm also really happy because CPAT conditioning sessions are back! I went the other day for the first time and I totally forgot how good of a workout I get when I go there. It's really nice to have a change in routine. I think I get in the habit of doing the same stuff over and over so it's nice for me to have a change of pace. Plus I always workout harder when I know there's people watching me.

Lt. Bussing really holds me to a high standard and always talks about me to the candidates so I feel like I have to live up to the hype! It's really encouraging for me to know that I have people who look up to me and to know that I inspire some people.

So tomorrow is the Avenged Sevenfold concert in Baltimore. We got a hotel room and we're going to go out to eat/drink before the concert. We might go out afterwards too. I'm pretty excited, although I don't LOVE their new CD, it's ok. I'm hoping they play some of their older songs that I love.

Ok, time to go be productive on this gloomy day. I'll try to make my next blog less depressing!

Have a great day!
Anna

October Challenge

We did it! We finished Iron Team 2013 in 1:31 and that's with only one 3 minute time penalty! Our team did SOOOO awesome! It was definitely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and going into it I was so skeptical! But as the events went on and I kept getting through everything without any penalties, I realized "Hey, I CAN do this!" It was such an amazing feeling!

We ended up being 31/36 but that's ok! The time difference between each team was very close. It doesn't matter to me either way, the only thing I wanted to accomplish was finishing! And we sure did. There's no better feeling that people encouraging you and cheering you on. It's great!

After the competition, we all went out to Looney's and had a good time. I of course splurged and got a hamburger. I did burn over 1,400 calories though, so I think I deserved it! I think we all definitely want to do it again next year. This time we want to get more fire department people on board, considering we were the only fire department team there!

So the other day I went to Dick's and found out that they DO have crossfit shoes! They're sneaky and hide them in the back, so I didn't even know until I saw a manikin wearing them! So I tried on a few pairs and ended up getting these! So far I love them! Very comfortable, nice and flat for lifting, wide toe which is nice for me because I have pretty wide feet, so my toes never feel cramped in these. Not to mention, the purple is so pretty!

Speaking of Crossfit, a lot of people try to get me into it, and I know it's cool, I do like it, but I'm just not willing to pay $100-plus on top of my $83 a month gym membership! It's way too much, but I do what I can on my own, and you don't HAVE to do crossift to own these shoes so whatevssss!

How can I leave this for Crossfit anyways? My gym is so amazing and beautiful. They just made a whole bunch of upgrades to the lifting area which I love! They also got tons of new cardio equipment and put TV's on basically everything!

As snobby and pretentious as some of the people there can be, I still love it. It has everything I need, it's clean, it has pools and hot tubs which is awesome! So I think it's totally worth the $83 a month!

Oh, so CPAT conditioning just started back up again on Monday so I'm super excited about that! I better see lots of candidates there! I really hate the fact that these people have a FREE personal trainer at their hands, 3 times a week, and they still never show up! Then they expect to pass the CPAT with no prior training. Ridiculous. Hopefully we actually have more than 1 girl pass this time!

Saturday was the shooting competition for the Sons of Our Flag Burn Foundation at the trap and skeet shooting range in Glenn Dale. We had a blast. Our team consisted of Kevin, Myself, Charlie, Katie, Pete and our little junior member Aiden. Everyone made out pretty well. A few people got some plaques! I hadn't shot in at least over two year because I remember this picture and that was the last time I went shooting there. Obviously it was awhile ago because I was SO FAT. Ugh... I can't believe I looked like that! So gross.

So of course I had to get an "after" pic to compare. Much better this time around... although I'm still feeling pretty fat lately:-/ I tried really hard today to hardly eat anything and not gorge all day like I normally do!

After shooting, I figured while we were in the area-ish, I'd stop by the Trooper 2 crash site since I do every year now. I like to go and pay my respects, leave some flowers, and just sit there for a moment and remember that night.

It doesn't feel like it was 5 years ago. I just remember being at the firehouse back when I was a volunteer and it was late at night. I wasn't really paying attention to the radio; I'm pretty sure I was sleeping. We ended up getting transferred to 27 and it seemed so weird, but off we went. When we got there, I started reading the print outs for the call... there were tons of them. Back then we didn't have access to the CAD like we do now, so I couldn't just follow the call as it was going out.

I couldn't believe what I was reading, it was so wild. Things seemed so crazy and disorganized, it was so chaotic. We stayed at 27 a little bit longer and then we were released. On our way back, communications called us (the ambo) looking for our location. We were at 495 northbound and Arena Dr. They told us to respond to the helicopter crash.

We were so out of our element being in that area. I had no clue where we were going and we didn't have a mapbook for that area, so we had to use the ADC map which I'm not very good at! At least back then I wasn't.
We eventually made our way to the call and found a spot to park out of the way.

I had never seen so many higher up people in the fire department in one place. It was overwhelming and so hard to believe that this was really happening. I really didn't know what I should be doing. I almost felt like we got pushed to the side somewhat. Our ambulance was used for it's cot, blankets and a place to nap for some people. It was frustrating to me to not be able to help more.

We were there for 8 hours straight. The longest I had ever been on a call in my time in the fire department. The feelings I felt when I left the scene were mixed. I was tired, cranky, angry, frustrated and sad. I wanted to do so much more than sit by my ambulance. I wanted to be involved and be put to use. It was a very draining call, both physically and mentally. It was just very, very sad. And that is why I visit the site every year. I like being able to stand in the same spot where everything took place and just reflect. It's a very eerie but peaceful feeling.


OH, so the title of my blog... I decided on a new challenge. Last time was "No Alcohol April" and this time around I'm doing "Dessert Free October" !!!!!!!!! I know... scary. If you know me, you know I absolutely ADORE sweets. This is going to be tough. I can say no to sweets, the hard part is going to be remembering that I'm not supposed to eat them! I eat desserts so often that it's just like a regular meal to me! So I'm hoping I don't accidentally slip up! And yes, this includes NO HALLOWEEN CANDY!! Best believe, November 1st it's fair game!! Hehehe.

Anyhoo, I just got offered OT tomorrow so I must be getting to bed! Let's hope I can make this month better than last... in lots of aspects!

xoxoxo
Anna