Confessions of a Reformed Fat Girl

Ok, so I've been having some bad days this past week. I feel like I'm waiting for a break or something. A period of time where I just don't mess up, I eat perfect, I have epic workouts, and I don't go on my drunken binges. I've been struggling with that a lot lately. Am I alone in that category? I wonder if anyone else is like me when I drink. I literally become a world record eating champion. Let me tell you what I ate Friday night. This is so embarrassing, but I'm just gonna put it all out there because it'll make me feel better.
As usual, my day started out fine. Had a great workout, ate good food and felt pretty prepared for the concert that night. The fact that I burn so many calories makes me feel like I have a little room to splurge, but I always take it way too far.

We went to Union Jack's first and I had 2 margaritas and a vodka/soda/lime. I also had 8 wings. Then we headed over to Merriweather and before we sat down I got a shaved ice, blue flavor, of course. I started drinking more margaritas, which were 13 bucks by the way! Ridiculous, but they were strong! I then wanted a hot dog, so I got that, then a little later I got some boardwalk fries. When we went to leave, I saw an ice cream stand and that is my ultimate weakness. I got "Salted caramel crunch" ice cream on a pretzel cone!!! Oh. Em. Gee. Amazing ice cream!!

We left and Charlie wanted to go to Oliver's so we stopped by there for a little bit. I have no clue why, but I ordered a quesadilla. Ate that, then it was my bright idea to go to 7-11 on the way back home. I got a little thing of twix ice cream, and an El Salvadorian quesadilla, which is basically like a sweet corn bread.... ughhhh! WTF is wrong with me?? I mean, that's like 4,000 calories. I definitely didn't workout enough to eat all of that. So depressing:-(

I feel like I have to tell people this stuff sometimes because a lot of people seem to think I'm "perfect" for some reason. Like I'm a workout maniac who eats amazingly and has an awesome bod. No way. That's why I posted that picture up there. It's obvious that I am not perfect, or thin, or skinny in any way. Yeah, I do workout a ton, but I can't seem to get past this certain point because of the way I eat. I would love to have a flat stomach and ripped abs. But that actually comes from a strict diet, not just crunches and sit ups.

To the right is a beautiful body, in my opinion. She's not too small, she has curves in all the right places, and her stomach is flat. And of course the tattoos are hot! I would love to look like that! Even if it never happens, at least it gives me something to work towards. The dissatisfaction I have with my body is what keeps me going. If I had the body of my dreams, I may not workout as hard as I do now.

I really do love and appreciate when people tell me how pretty I am, or when I somehow get compared to another girl that is way hotter than me, it definitely gives me a confident boost. But that fat girl part of me can never seem to take a compliment! I'm just always in denial.

So enough about me being all blah. I need to find better stuff to talk about! My blogs used to be more interesting, now they're just a lot of whining. Typical me! Well, yesterday and Friday were really fun. Friday night Charlie and I went to Imagine Dragons at Merriweather, then yesterday Rayna and I went to Virgin Mobile Freefest. It was a blast, except for the rain! It started raining around 5pm and just made things suck. It was cold and muddy and really cramped with all the umbrellas floating around.

I mostly wanted to see City and Colour, MGMT and Robin Thicke. We got to be in the pit for City and Colour and they were great! It would've been nice to stay in there for MGMT but they make you leave the pit and come back, so once we got outside of the pavilion, it was impossible to get back in. That's right when it started raining too, so of course everyone wanted to get under the pavilion.

We decided to go over to the West Stage and find a good spot for Robin Thicke. It sucked standing in the rain for so long, but finally he came on stage and it was awesome! He put on a very good show!

We decided to leave right after he finished because we were just miserable. We walked to the closest firehouse and that's where Charlie picked us up. I'm surprised I didn't get pneumonia or something! I was so excited to get home and under the covers:-)

Since I knew I would feel crappy today, I decided to take off work. Its weird not being there when I'm supposed to! But it is nice to have a little break. Besides, I'm working tomorrow now anyways, gotta keep workin that OT! I'm also doing another burn with the recruits on Tuesday. And then, Wednesday... Iron Team! I'm starting to get soooo nervous!! I felt prepared up until they revealed one of the mystery events, which is tossing an empty keg over a VERY tall fence, then climbing the fence into the next box and doing it again for a total of 5 tosses/climbs. I've practiced it a little, but it's really tough! I'm just hoping I have tons of adrenaline that day and I can get through everything in a decent time.

Alright, it's 10:30am and I feel like I should start being productive. Not sure what I want to do today, maybe run? Maybe the gym? Or both! I've been getting back into running a lot lately and that makes me happy:-) I can easily do 6.5 miles and my knee hasn't bothered me yet! I hope it stays that way.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day and a productive week!

Anna

Always Remember, Never Forget...

Always remember...
You will make mistakes.
You will have bad days.
You can't be perfect.
You can't please everyone.
You will suffer sometimes.
You can't always get what you want.
You will have doubts.
You will hurt ones you love.

Never forget...
To love yourself.
To be thankful for what you have.
To love family and friends.
To smile every day.
To try your hardest and never give up.
That tomorrow is never promised.
Where you came from.
You are beautiful, no matter what anyone says.

And of course, Always Remember and Never Forget those who lost their lives during the tragic events of 9.11.01. I'm sure if those people could go back in time, a lot of them probably wish they would have done some things in life differently. That is why we must live life to the fullest NOW. Don't waste time wishing and hoping for things to be how you want them. Make it happen. If you want to be healthier and look better, start now. Don't just say "I wish I was thinner..." because wishing doesn't work, hard work does. I absolutely despise when people ask me what my "secret" is. HATE IT. It's not an f'ing secret! Look back at my blog. Look at what I've been through to get here. And see that I'm not at the "end" of anything. My weight is a constant battle. I didn't just reach my goal weight and stop trying! It's actually been way harder to stay at my goal weight than it was to lose those 80 pounds to begin with! So when people ask me ignorant questions like that, it really irritates me.

Anyways, I wasn't trying to make this a blog about ranting, so let me stop now and be positive! Well, kind of. I did have a somewhat bad week(end). It was fun, that's for sure, but I totally just let go. Granted, I worked out hard every day, as always, but my eating habits went out the window... wayyyy out the window. I know it's because of the drinking though. When I drink I become a bottomless abyss and I feel like I could win any type of eating contest. Screw "Man vs. Food!" I could blow that douche out of the water with my eating skills.

Of course when I drink, I start reasoning with myself. "You know, sometimes I just gotta live! I'm tired of always restraining myself and restricting myself! I just wanna eat what I wanna eat!! Jeez" All of that said with a drunken slur, of course. And it sounds good in the moment, and it's somewhat true. Sometimes it does feel nice to just be free, but I ALWAYS regret it in the morning. And then I go through the feelings of being depressed and hating myself for being such a slob. After that, I either do it again, or I start correcting myself.

Currently I'm trying to correct the damage I did over the past week. It was pretty bad. I think it's pretty unfair though that just because I ate a bag of cheeseburgers and 2 ice cream cones means I have to gain 20 pounds. I also ran 6 miles that day and burned almost 1,000 calories. What if I hadn't done that workout?! Then how much worse would it have been? I'm just envious of the people who don't have to do any type of exercise, they eat like crap, yet somehow they still are skinny. A-holes...

So anyhoo, I showed Charlie the trail where I'll be running at for the Iron Team competition the other day and we took Chief too. It was fun and very scenic. I think it may be my new trail running spot instead of Wincopin trail. Plus, it's got an epic lake all around the perimeter and it's so nice. I really wanted to go out on a boat or something so while I was at work on Tuesday, Charlie picked up a canoe from a friends house and we went out on it yesterday! Such a blast. It was so peaceful but at the same time it was a great workout! I'm definitely feeling it in my shoulders and back today. The fact that I did all upper body yesterday at the gym didn't help either!

Speaking of Iron Team, it's approaching very fast and I'm feeling semi confident! Katie and I have been going to the SOD and practicing with some of the equipment and It's not too bad when you're doing it individually but I know once we do everything combined it'll be way harder. I know we will finish though, I'm not worried about that. I'm just nervous! I don't think there are any other girls competing besides us. Maybe one other, but I'm not positive. So of course there's a lot more pressure to be awesome.

I finally went grocery shopping last night and got tons of awesome stuff. We went to Trader Joe's and Weis. There was lots of specialty stuff I wanted to get that only Trader Joe's has. I picked up some agave nectar, coconut milk ice cream, sweet potato chips, english peas, starfruit, and some random spices. Oh, and some 85% dark chocolate! Apparently chocolate isn't that paleo, but the darker the better so I got the darkest they had! We'll see how it is...

I tried the starfruit today. It's interesting. The texture is similar to a grape. The taste is sweet, but is almost like perfume. I wouldn't say I'm in love, but I might do it again. It looks pretty, that's for sure.

Last night Charlie was making BLT's so I made my own version which didn't use bread and I added a hard boiled egg and avocado. It was very yummy. I've been doing the egg/avocado combo a lot lately. The two textures mix very well together. I'll add tomatoes and tuna sometimes too, it's delish.

 

August was great. I feel pretty accomplished. Rarely were there any low calorie burn days. I think it's pretty obvious that I'm addicted to burning 1,000+ calories during all my workouts:-) I can't help it! I like being able to eat more hahaha! Also, I've been doing Insanity at work consistently now and I enjoy it. It's a real intense workout in a short period of time which is perfect cuz I never know when I'm gonna have to get up and go for a call. I've been really lucky lately though and haven't been getting interrupted during my workouts OR my showers which is a miracle!:-)

Well, I really need to go run. I got up earlier than usual today to try and get in an early run but then I was just being lazy and decided to write instead! Felt like I needed to get this over with before I procrastinated too much and waited another month!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend and enjoy these last days of summer!! I know I am!!:-)

Love,

Anna