"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France"
I'll be honest... I've changed a lot since I've lost weight. In my opinion, only for the better. I know that there's people out there who think that I've become a completely different person. Some people may even think that I hang around with different people because I've lost weight. Not true. How much I weigh has nothing to do with who I'm friends with.
Even my husband has mentioned that I'm a very different person. I agree. When we met, I was, obviously, way bigger. Not only that, but I was shy, self conscious, quiet, and jealous. The jealousy stemmed from the fact that I never really went out and did my own thing, and he did. I was envious at his social life, I guess you could say.
Since I started losing weight, I've gained so much in return. I love my body. I'm not afraid to show it off. I can wear cute clothes that do show it off more. I'm confident. I don't walk into a crowded place and feel self conscious anymore. I feel more outgoing. I feel like people are more accepting of me. I don't feel like "the big girl" anymore.
The crazy thing is, I never imagined myself feeling any of this. I was positive that I was just meant to be big. That I would always shop at Torrid. Actually, to be honest, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I never truly felt that big! It wasn't until after I had lost weight, that I realized how big I really was. Pictures don't lie. Neither does the scale. 231.4 pounds. Did I really weigh that much? *shivers*
I can't even believe that I was over 200 pounds. How did I let myself get that way? It just disgusts me to even think about it now. I look at this picture of myself and I see someone who thought that they were cute. I even had some nice clothes... or so I thought. It was an upgrade from my fire department t-shirts at least!
That was last summer. A year ago. Never once did I think I had the potential to do any of the things I'm doing now. I never thought I could control my eating habits. I never pictured myself running 7 miles, when I couldn't even run 1 minute without getting winded. I never imagined myself fitting into medium shirts and size 13 jeans. 5k races? 10k races? Contemplating a half marathon?! Who am I? Now that I think about it, the people I'm closest to must wonder sometimes "What happened to Anna?!"
Now I weigh 166.6 pounds. My BMI is no longer in the "obese" range. Still in the "overweight" range, but getting closer to "healthy!" I find myself just staring into mirrors. Trying to soak it all in and just savor every moment of being "thin." When I worked at UPS, I was pretty thin. Not even this small though. But after gaining a ton of weight, I always hated myself for not enjoying the short time I was thin. Now, I'm not taking it for granted anymore.
There are so many things I want to accomplish now. I've already done a 5k. I'm ready for a 10k. I possibly even want to attempt a half marathon! I was able to pass a Police physical agility test. The old me would have never even thought about it! I'm so much more brave and willing to try new things now!
So yes, in lots of ways I am a totally different person. But at the same time, I'm still the same old Anna that all my real friends and family know. I still love to pig out on really good (bad) foods. I still like to lay around on the couch or sleep all day. I still love animals and would probably take a bullet for my dog. I still have flaws and faults. There are certain parts of my body, and my personality, that I don't like. I'm not perfect. I never thought I was, and never will think that. I don't think that I'm better than anyone because I lost weight. I don't think that I'm some fitness and nutrition guru.
I'm just a regular person like everyone else. I just decided to change my whole outlook on life. I had to get in a certain mind set. I had to really, really want it. And I did. And I got what I wanted. With a lot of hard work and determination. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's not rocket science. Any body can lose weight. When it comes down to it, it's really simple. Eat less, exercise more. There's a little more to it than that, but not that much!
This isn't some closing to my blog or anything like that. I'm definitely not done on this weight loss journey. And even when I have lost all the weight I wanted to lose, it's still going to be a journey and a challenge to maintain my weight. I'm sure I will have ups and downs. But this blog was just to express my feelings about how I've changed throughout this whole thing.
The one last thing I have to mention is my husband. Everyone always asks me "What does Charlie think about your weight loss?" Well, I'm pretty sure he loves it. He's happy for me, proud of me, excited for me. But never once has he questioned me, doubted me, or discouraged me. He has loved me from the start. At my heaviest. He loved me even when I didn't want to socialize. He loved me even though I was jealous that he was going out, and I was staying home. He loved me when I was a fat slob who slept all day and watched tv. And he's been by my side throughout this whole process. I'm sure it must be a shock to marry someone and then they change drastically right after the wedding. But he loves me so much that it really doesn't seem to bother him. And I love him so much for that. I'm so lucky to be blessed with the most kind, loving, and generous man I've ever met. No matter what weight I am, he'll always love me. And that's all that matters to me.
So to end this blog... yes, I have changed. I have changed physically and emotionally. But I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. I have a loving husband, wonderful family, amazing friends, a great job, a house, a car, a dog, and best of all, my health. I love my life, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Anna
