In the 4th Year

4 years. I can't believe it. Time is flying by and when I look at my life and the progress I've made, I can't help but to think I could've done more. But then I take a moment and realize just truly how far I have come and how much I've dedicated myself to this journey.

For those who have just recently started reading this blog and don't know the back story, it all started like this...

Back in January 2011 I was working at Children's Hospital in the NICU. I was 22 years old, a newly wed and happy as could be. Besides being overweight, I really had no complaints with my life. I was content... ugh, that word makes me cringe now.

Well one day a few of the girls had the idea to do our own version of "The Biggest Loser" where we would have teams of 5-6 people and each person would pay $50 to start and $2 at every weigh in which would occur once a week. The pot would be split two ways. Half to the team who lost the biggest percentage of weight and the other half to the individual who lost the biggest percentage.

I had tried to lose weight before, but never in a competitive way, so I figured I'd give it a try and joined the team "Slinderellas"
The competition was over a 12 week period. Lots of people joined so our money pot became quite large.

At first I didn't really have high hopes because I had attempted losing weight before and never had much luck. But throw competition in there and I get serious. I love to win and I hate to lose so I was going pretty hardcore.

Looking back at it, I'm so surprised I was able to lose the amount of weight I did with the tiny bit of knowledge I had. All I did was download the app "MyFitnessPal" and track my calories. My exercise consisted of walking and "attempting" to do Jillian Michael's workout DVDs. It's crazy to think that I couldn't even finish some of the 30 minute DVD's back then and now I can do 70 minute Insanity DVD's! Hah!

Well, long story short, I started to see progress week after week after week. The results were amazing and kept me going. At the end of 12 weeks, not only did our team win the biggest percentage of weight lost but *I* lost the biggest percentage as well!!! Winning that competition felt great. But the real amazing feeling was the fact that in 3 months I had lost 30 pounds!! I was on top of the world and whatever I was doing was working, so I kept it going!

We did another competition immediately following and I won that one as well! That feeling of accomplishment just drove me to push farther. At 5 months in I had lost 50 pounds and by the end of 1 whole year I had lost a grand total of 81 pounds! I went from 231.4lbs, size 18/20 jeans, 2XL shirts and 38D's to 150lbs, size 11 jeans, medium shirts and 36B's!
All awesome except maybe the boobs. That's a bummer! But hey, I will sacrifice those puppies all day if it means having a slimmer, healthier body!

Over the months and years I started to become more knowledgeable about health and fitness. It became more about being "fit" rather than being "skinny." I went from 149lbs at my lowest to a comfortable 155lbs. That's what I tend to float around up to this day. I started to build muscles that I never had before. I could actually see these weird shaped things coming out of my stomach... I think they're called "abs?"

Once I started to lift, it was like my life was starting all over again. All I had known about fitness had changed.  And it continues to change! The amount of knowledge I have soaked up over the years is crazy. One fitness expert tells you this, another one tells you that. I went from eating Lean Cuisines and sugar free Jell-O cups to prepping a weeks worth of meals. I have all these things constantly going through my head like "What should my macros be? Did I eat too many carbs today? Is my protein enough to build muscle? Is today leg day?" Sometimes it almost becomes overwhelming!

Getting into fitness has definitely changed my life, that's for sure. In so many more ways than I ever thought it would. It opened doors even when it came to my career.
After being hired for some time, I was asked if I wanted to help out with the CPAT process. Of course I said 'yes!'

The CPAT process is my favorite time of the year! I absolutely love it and the motivation it gives me. We do fitness conditioning sessions on Monday and Wednesday evenings which basically is an hour workout for the potential recruits. It helps to prepare to candidates to actually take the CPAT test. It really makes me happy to see the people who show up and how much they dedicate themselves to getting hired by this department.

It really shows your character when you show up to EVERY session and really give it 100% Those are the kind of people who inspire ME and keep ME motivated! Whenever I run the workouts and see them trying their hardest it just pushes me even more. Obviously I can't tell them to do 50 pushups if I myself can't even do 50! So it really helps me to stay in better shape. Not to mention I usually do my own workout on top of whatever I do with the candidates.

In general, fitness has enhanced my life in so many ways. It's made me a stronger, braver and more confident person. It's a good feelings when you KNOW that you can do your job and you don't have to rely on anyone for help. Especially in this field of work. Yes, there are plenty male firefighters who have no problem lending a hand to a female, even if she doesn't need the help!

That's all fine and dandy, but what I'm concerned about is my crew and their safety. I don't want to be their "weakest link." I want to know in my head and my heart that if ANYONE on my crew were to go down and relied on me to get them out, that I could do it without a second thought.

And that's what I try to keep in mind at all times. The days when I'm hating what I see in the mirror. The times that I feel like "the big girl," when I compare myself to skinny girls who can wear super cute clothes that I would never be able to pull off... I just have to tell myself that it's not all about that Anna. It's about being STRONG.

I don't do races as much as I used to considering I've cut back on my cardio a lot and focus more on strength training. I did do one in 2014. The Zooma Half Marathon. I honestly wish I could do more but at this point the doctors have already told me that my knee is pretty jacked up. They say there's a lot of scar tissue behind my knee cap and that's what causes me pain when I run for long distances.

I will continue to run, but I'll just have to cut back on the miles or just start walking when I start to feel the pain. It sucks, but hey, I guess that's what getting old is right? Haha.

I'm glad I was able to get in the amount of races I did back in my prime. I still remember my first 5k and how proud of myself I was for finishing it. Even though it took me 38 minutes and I had to walk justtttt a little bit at the end! I couldn't have been happier to accomplish something I thought would never be a possibility to me!

That's the crazy thing about a lot of the things I do in life now... At one point in time I considered them "impossible."
It's so sad that myself and so many others out there gave or give themselves limits! I look back and I can't believe I would tell myself "You'll never be able to do that. Oh, that'll never happen. You're way too fat to do that." It's really such a shame. It makes me so angry that such a big part of my life was wasted on complacency and doubting myself. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change myself earlier, but like I always say, I regret nothing because I love where I'm at now, and if it wasn't for my past, the good and the bad, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I know you're probably thinking "Jeez, conceited much?" with all the pictures I'm posting of myself, but the point of them is to show how much I've changed. How over the past 4 years I've evolved. Sometimes I do really well and I love the way I look. Other times I'm frustrated and just so annoyed with my body.

Even to this day I've said things like "I'll never be able to get a flat stomach." But why not? I should never say never! It's always a possibility if I work hard enough at it. And I will. I've got so much determination in me right now, it's insane. I spent the end of 2014 having a war with myself in my head. Looking at myself in the mirror thinking how fat I look. Telling myself I'll do better tomorrow. Trying to do better tomorrow and just pretending that the things I'm doing are okay and that I worked out enough to eat this or that.

The fact of the matter is I was lying to myself. Acting like the giant heaping spoonful of peanut butter was "a tablespoon" or like the 5 pieces of chocolate I ate just didn't count. I like to log my food religiously but I was definitely bad with not adding those little snacks here in there that eventually add up to way more than you think. So I finally had to say enough is enough and just be honest with myself!

It's hard! Really, very, extremely hard to be honest with yourself. In all aspects of life. But once you are, the amount of guilt it relieves is awesome. It feels like a weight lifted off your shoulders. Logging my food and putting "7oz of chicken, 100gms of asparagus and 100gms of sweet potato" and knowing 100% that I'm not lying about also eating a pound of peanut butter is really nice.

I think that that's probably the number one step people need to do before they start any type of lifestyle change. It starts with the mental aspect; your attitude and your outlook towards the process. If you're stubborn and not willing to change then it will not work out for you. You have to be ready to deal with the feeling of hunger, the feeling of deprivation, the feeling of being knocked down and not wanting to get up, but doing it anyways.

Starting a fitness journey is a big kick in the balls/vag whatever you may have. It's a smack in the face. A big FAT reality check! You may think you've been "eating pretty healthy" and "working out some" but once you really dedicate your life to it, it's a real eye opener how much you've been slacking your whole life. Sweating to death, feeling out of breath, fat jiggling and shaking the whole house. It's embarrassing and probably one of the reasons people give up so fast. They don't want people to see them in that state. They're afraid. And I totally understand because I sure as hell was too. That's why I only walked (no jiggling) and did workout videos in the safety of my own home. And when I did finally start running I strictly ran at night! Haha.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this... I just want people to know that it's possible. That if you truly want to do this, you can. Don't let others doubt you, but most importantly, don't doubt yourself. I have lots of support, trust me, but there's days I still feel so alone on this journey. Sometimes you just want to give up because you wonder what's the point? Is all this hard work, blood, sweat and tears going to pay off in the end? To be honest, who knows!

Maybe one day I'll look back and wonder why I put so much effort into my body. But I highly doubt that. You only have one body. And it's like a piece of clay. You can mold it any way you want. You can treat it like trash or you can cherish it and make the most of it. I don't want to waste any more days NOT taking full advantage of what my body is capable of. I know I can be SO much better than what I am now and I will.
It may take some time, but I will get there.

So what are you waiting for? Monday? Until after the Holidays? Pay day? Are you "too old" to start? Too scared? Are you waiting for some kind of epiphany? Just ask yourself "why not?" and if you don't have a good excuse then start NOW. I'm so glad I made the decision to change my life the way I did. No matter how many bumps I've hit along the way, nothing will ever hold me back from reaching my goals and making my dreams come true.

Well, I suppose that's enough motivational speechyness for me! My overtime is done and I'm off for a late night workout!

Goodnight!

Anna

2014 Recap

I promise, I'm still alive. I know I haven't written a blog since August, but I feel it's justified. So much has happened between that last blog and now, but I feel like the dust has finally settled.

This blog will mostly be recapping my year and trying to catch everyone up on the important stuff. These days my blog mostly seems to just be clarification on all the rumors out there about me, but that's ok! If people are gonna talk about me regardless then I rather it be the truth instead of some random nonsense.

The beginning of 2014 started off great. I was at 32 still, but on B shift. Everything was great in that department. I spent most of 2014 working on getting turned over to drive. My Captain was awesome with doing drills every day and letting me drive everywhere we went. I felt like I made a lot of progress.

In March I got my brand new car! That was super exciting for me. And it's still doing awesome to this day, granted I've put a whole buncha miles on it!
I turned 26 on the 21st and we took a little trip to Atlantic City. Even though it was cut short, I still had a great time.

I know we ran this fire, but I don't remember when! Haha. We didn't have many this year, but it made me grateful for the ones I did get. And in reality, it's best for the citizens that we didn't run too many fires, but we know how that goes!
Work in general was just a blast. I enjoyed coming in every shift and training with the crew. We shared stories and jokes. We were constantly laughing. I worked with a great group of guys.

Life seemed to be perfect for the time being. I was in a great relationship, had the best job in the world, a new car, we had just moved into our new apartment in Odenton… I had it all! What more could I ask for? But so it seems that life always tends to find a way to knock you down when you're standing so tall. And that it sure did!

Sure, I had plenty of great times this year. I completed my second half marathon. The Zooma Half in Annapolis which was absolutely perfect. The weather, the scenery, the course and the post race perks. It was fantastic.

The best part of that race was having my boyfriend waiting for me when I crossed the finish line.
So many times in the past I had run races and always crossed alone. Only 1 out of my 11 races in 2012 did Charlie ever once come with me. ONE time… It really sucks to not feel supported when you accomplish something so big like that. At least to me it was big…

Matt was there with open arms and really showed me how proud he was of me. Later we went out for some lunch and drinks which was much needed after 13.1 miles! My legs were DONE! I haven't done another since but I may attempt to again sometime in the future.

We both got the opportunity to compete in a race together when we did the Spartan Sprint. What a BLAST! That was by far the best obstacle course race I've ever done. It was fun, challenging, and very muddy. We also had Vinny and Chris on our team. It was such a good time and the team work that was demonstrated by not only our teammates, but by others on the course, was so impressive. It was really a nice reminder that there's still good people out there in this world.

This was Matt's first race of this type and I think he really enjoyed it. He had the biggest smile on his face when we finished. That is until we all passed out in the car on the drive home. We were so exhausted! I can't even remember what we did the rest of that day but I highly doubt I ever made it off the couch!

I contemplated doing the harder versions of the race, but I'm not sure if I could! It's double the miles and obstacles! Maybe one day I'll give it a try….

Allison and I made two trips to Ocean City this summer! Both times were a blast. The first one was hilarious. We spent all day in the water drinking. It was nice and sunny out and we were definitely getting burned by the sun. After many a pain in de ass, we decided to relocate to one of the rafts.
Hours later we woke up, still on the raft, it's cold and cloudy out and no one else is in the water! Hahaha… we totally passed out for who knows how long!

We got up and made our way outta the water, went and got some BBQ and then attempted to figure out where else to go. But by that point we were so drained that we just decided to drive back home!

We did go up again for a 2 day stay and it was much more successful. We managed to stay awake the whole time. Although we somehow ended up going on the weekend that everyone and their mom was having their bachelorette party, so that kinda sucked but it was still good times!:-)

The end of October and the beginning of September were NOT my good months…
On October 30th I went to court for my divorce hearing. Everything went smooth and it was all finalized. It was definitely rough seeing Charlie there and not saying a word to him. So very awkward.

I had seen my first officer before my court date and he told me this, which stuck with me to that day…
"Do not cry. Do not let him see you hurt. Don't let him think that you're weak. You're strong and you can do this."
When he told me that it meant so much. I don't think he realizes how much of an impact he has made on not only my career, but my life as well.
I reminded myself of what he said the whole time I was in court and never once shed a tear. I was pretty proud of myself.

It was definitely weird closing that chapter of my life. It's hard to believe that it's over sometimes, but it's for the best. I couldn't be happier with my life and I know if I wouldn't have made such drastic decisions then I wouldn't be where I am now.

The following week, on September 5th, was a life changing day. I can't divulge all the details because I'm not sure who all reads this. But needless to say, Matt and I's relationship ended that day and it was not on good terms. It was a very dramatic, painful and sad ending.
We had just been together for 1 year that month, actually. And now our relationship came to a sudden halt.

A couple weeks after that, I was transferred out of station 32 and sent to station 1 in Hyattsville.
The anger and frustration that I felt when I received the phone call for my transfer notification is indescribable. Tears began to run down my face because I couldn't believe that after 2 and a half years at the same station, I was being forced to leave. And the worst part was that I couldn't do a damn thing about it. That feeling of helplessness is the worst. I was so so soooo mad!

After it set it that it was really happening, I decided to just calm down and accept it. Instead of being mad and bitter about it, I decided to be happy and look forward to a new beginning.  Maybe this was the change I needed. A new home, a new crew, a new first due. The possibilities at this station were endless, I thought to myself.

It was scary starting somewhere new. It's hard being the new guy and trying to fit in with everyone. I just wanted to be accepted. It's a little difficult when you're coming into a new station with the reputation that I have, but I think things went pretty smooth.
Only my second week in and we already went out to a Caps game together! it was a blast! I really felt like my new crew was accepting me:-)

October 1st was the Iron Team Competition. This was Katie and I's second year competing and this time we had an all girls team! It was crazy because we were in the limelight! We had news crews interviewing us and it felt like cameras were on us the whole time!

It definitely made the pressure even more intense than it already was, but I think we did awesome!! Who cares if we came in last place?? We finished and that's all that matters. We will definitely be in it again next year, that's for sure!

A huge accomplishment for me this year was getting 1,000+ followers on my fitness Instagram account!! I didn't even realize that I've had it for a little over a year now! I never expected it to grow the way it did. I simply started it to share what kind of workouts I did or the foods I ate. Now it's crazy to me that some of my pictures get 100+ likes or that I get at least a new follower every day.

Even if it helps to motivate at least ONE person, I feel like I've made a difference. I know I'm not a professional, or an expert, but I feel like I can give advice and tips that are helpful to "normal" or "average" people. Obviously I'm not in the perfect shape so I have no room to tell people how they should or shouldn't look, and I can't even guarantee that my tactics work! All I can do is give suggestions on what works or has worked for me in the past and hope that it helps people out!:-)

Either way, just having the Instagram in general keeps me motivated because I feel like I have to keep myself accountable. I don't want to fail all these followers that I have and just be like "Well, sorry guys, I decided to get fat and let you all down!" So yeah, it trying to motivate others, it's motivated me just as much, if not more!

The end of 2014… ahhh, what a weird way to finish the year.
In November I hurt myself at work while doing a door pop for the first time in the field. The spreaders slipped out and smacked my thigh so hard. The pain was insane. I ended up going to the hospital and then being off work for 2 weeks. TWO WHOLE WEEKS! I couldn't believe how long it took me to recover. And that wasn't even feeling 100%. I've also been going to physical therapy 2-3 times a week for the past 2 months. That has helped a lot with the healing process.

I was supposed to work today but yesterday I felt like death and went to the doctors only to find out I have the flu. WOMP WOMP WOMP!!! My temperature was 102.4! Not cool at all. I'm on a few meds right now and drinking NyQuil like it's water so I'm feeling pretty good for now. It's just reallllllly messing with my workouts. I was all excited to start the new year all fresh and hardcore in the gym. Now I can't even go in there cuz I have to rest:-( Very disappointing. I'll also be off of work until Friday. Again, lots of free time and none of it to be spent in the gym! Such a bummer.

Needless to say, 2014 was a very interesting year. It had some very good ups, but some very bad downs. I'm really hoping that 2015 will be a better year. I've decided to give up alcohol until St. Patty's Day, so that should be a good challenge and help with my weight loss.
I really plan on transforming my body so much this year. No more playing around. I want to see a big, BIG change in the way I look.

For now I am enjoying the single life and having fun. Part of me always says "I will NEVER get married again!" but then I also have that tiny sliver of hope that mayyyyyybe one day I will find that person who stands out from the rest. I hope that I do realize it when I find them though. I feel so cynical and negative these days. I often wonder if I'd even be any good at a relationship anymore.

After going through a divorce, you lose a lot. I feel like parts of me are missing. My kindness, my compassion for others, my ability to show sympathy, and mostly trust in my self. How can I trust myself after the things I've done?  I hope that if I do find someone that I truly love and care about, that I won't make the same mistakes again.

Right now I just feel like I wouldn't be able to put 100% of myself into a relationship because there isn't 100% of me left. I need to work on getting those things back that I feel are missing. But how do you become whole again? How can I become more compassionate and caring? I'm not sure what I have to do to get back to that old Anna, but I'm working on it. My main focus in life right now is ME. Before I can commit to anyone else, I need to be back to 100% and that's all I'm certain of right now.

Anyways… I feel like I'm blabbering on about useless stuff. But one other thing I did tell myself I would try for the new year was to write AT LEAST one blog a month from here on out. So I'm gonna do my best! Expect one from me on Friday. That is the 4 year anniversary of my weight loss journey! I'll definitely have to reflect back on that!

Well, I hope this blog wasn't too boring or whiny. I haven't written in so long so I feel kinda off! Maybe the next one will be better.

Stay warm friends:-)

Anna

Miles Away From Those I Love, Purpose Hard to Find

It's taken me a very long time to find the courage in myself to write this down. There's so many things I've wanted to say and just the thought of it has been overwhelming. But I need to write. It's been far too long since I've said anything. I know my blog has become less "weight loss" related and more about my life, but it's all connected in the end. The start of this blog was the start of my new life and everything that has transpired since then. I don't look at this as a way to prove myself to others, or for people to hear my side of the story. This is my outlet. The one thing I can tell all my thoughts and complaints to and not receive any judgment in return.

I'm sure that everyone I know has made their assumptions about my life and my issues. People make up whatever they want to in their minds and then feel the need to share it with others. I guess talking bad about me makes themselves feel better, like they don't have any problems of their own...
It used to bother me; hearing false stories about myself. Now I just realize that I must be that cool and popular that people feel the need to waste their time thinking about me, talking about me, and hating on me. I don't know about you, but I would much rather utilize my time in a better way. But that's just me. Onto the point of this blog...

No one ever pictures their marriage ending in divorce. At least I would hope not. I know the thought never once crossed my mind. The day you get married is the happiest day of your life. It's a day you count down till. A day that all your closest friends and family witness you making the biggest decision of your life. Of course I was 100% sure that it was what I wanted to do. No doubt in my mind. From walking down the isle, to holding my husbands hands and speaking the words "'till death do us part" out of my mouth... I was sure. So what changed? How do you lose that?

You know how they say "You must first love yourself before you can love others?" I didn't. I did not love anything about myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I looked at life. I didn't love my job. The one and ONLY thing I loved in life was my husband. He was the only thing good in my life. The only thing I had to be proud of. I devoted myself to him and committed my whole self being to him because I had nothing else in life worth living for.

My husband was great. He had his life together. A career, a house, a car, a great family, a heartwarming smile, a laugh that warmed my soul. He cared for me so much and would do anything for me. I was his number one priority. He made me happy no matter what it was I wanted or needed. He took care of me, he boasted about me to his friends and family, he showed me off and was proud of me, even if I never thought any of that about myself. Nothing else in life seemed to matter as long as my husband loved me. And he did. He loved me so much for exactly who I was.

But one fateful day in January 2011 I made the decision to, for once in my life, focus on me. I'm not sure what made this time different than any other time I tried to lose weight, but this time worked. So quickly things started to change. First it was my diet, then I started walking, then running, then workout videos at home. My body was changing right in front of my eyes faster than I could realize. I couldn't believe that I was finally losing weight. After years of being fat I was finally on my way to becoming the person I really wanted to be. Every time I looked in the mirror I saw changes. Physical changes. I never once realized just how much I was changing mentally and emotionally. I never thought that those first 20 pounds lost would lead to 50 pounds lost and eventually to 81 pounds lost total. I didn't think that my fat disappearing would lead to some of my characteristics and personality traits disappearing.

Maybe while I was too busy changing me, I wasn't paying attention to my biggest supporters. Instead of thinking of my husband as being there for me mentally, I looked at him as not being there for me physically. I wondered to myself "Why can't he do what I'm doing? Why doesn't he work out with me or eat healthy with me?" I started to get frustrated. I started to feel the distance. I felt alone. Even though I had so many people cheering me on and complimenting me on my weight loss... I felt so alone on my journey.

After the initial weight loss, my whole life started to morph. I left my job of 4 years at Children's Hospital and started the academy with Prince George's County Fire Department. It was my dream job. I had always wanted to be a career firefighter/EMT and knew in my heart that it would never be a possibility because of my weight. Here I was making "just a dream" come true and I couldn't have been happier. I worked my ass off to get that job and I deserved it. My husband was there for me every step of the way throughout the academy. He did my laundry, shined my shoes and packed my lunch. It was nice being able to come home every day and vent to him, knowing that he understood exactly what I was going through.
During the academy I gained weight and fell off track with my diet and fitness routine. Concentrating on being a recruit was all that mattered to me at the time.

I got through the academy and graduated on June 11th, 2012. Graduation day was so special to me, and even more special because my husband got to pin me. It was a happy moment for both of us.
Time went on, work was great, I joined a gym and got back on track, everything was good. Everything was... normal. Life was routine. Love was routine. I started to realize that even hearts can become complacent too. Many days I thought to myself "Is this all life has to offer me?" No, it wasn't. But I had to go out and find what more life had in store for me instead of sitting around waiting for it.

When I worked in the NICU I made a lot of friends. Girl friends. Although it wasn't really until I lost the weight that I felt they actually accepted me. It felt good to be part of a "group" and always get invited to parties and gatherings. It was something I never got to experience being homeschooled and all.
After leaving Children's, it started to dawn on me that I was highly influenced by my friends. I saw all of them getting married and I had wanted that too. I wanted to dress like them, and get the same bags they had. I wanted to have a life like theirs. Their cookie cutter lives...
Now I found myself IN a cookie cutter life, realizing that my next step would be kids, right? But how could I? I had just spent a whole year working harder than I ever have to get the body and life I truly wanted. I was finally fit and I actually enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror, how could I ruin that by getting pregnant? Nope, kids were not in my cards yet.

The more I started looking at my life as an algorithm the more I wanted to change. I didn't want to follow the steps that most typical people follow. I wanted to go against the grain and do my own thing. Meanwhile I am in love with someone who wants the exact opposite of me. I workout, he doesn't. I eat healthy, he doesn't. He wants kids, I don't. With all of the clashing needs and wants, I started to feel distant. I couldn't understand why my husband didn't want to live the life I was living. Why couldn't he get on the same page as me? He could workout and lose weight and then we'd be happy and fit together. Things would be great. But I would never get to find that out.
He tried a few times to lose weight. I'd be really supportive of him and praise him for doing so well. It made me happy if he ate healthy meals with me or took a walk/run with me. But whenever he'd quit, it would just be a shot to my heart. I loved him, but I also loved my new healthy lifestyle. I wanted the two to collide so badly but he just didn't want the same things as me.

I found myself getting more and more bitter as the days went on. I felt hostile. I would lash out for no reason. I would get mad at any little thing he said. What was happening to me? I was supposed to be happy and loving my new life. Instead I felt so angry and misunderstood.
At a time in my life when I had absolutely everything I could want, I still felt as though I was missing something. I felt so alone and empty. Like no one wanted to join me on my new adventures in life, like I couldn't share this new outlook I had with anyone but myself. I was losing my friends, losing my family, and losing the love I had for my husband. Nothing hurts more than realizing you don't feel the same way you did on your wedding day.

You start to look for outlets to make you happy. What could I fill the void in my life with? Working out wasn't helping, I didn't have many friends to turn to, my parents wouldn't understand. I was just pretending to love my life when deep down inside I knew it wasn't what I wanted. I needed a change.
Instead of talking to my husband and sharing my feelings with him like I should have, I held it in. I couldn't tell him that I was losing feelings for him. How do you break that to someone who loves you so much? I just couldn't tell him. I was too scared.
With my new looks I started to realize I was getting more attention from guys. I wasn't used to that. When I was fat I never got compliments. I never got hit on or flirted with. I found my husband because we both connected spiritually and realized that our personalities were so similar and we fell in love with each others SOULS. It wasn't the physical attraction. Granted we both liked the way each other looked, but that wasn't what our relationship was built on.

Now, here I was surrounded by men in my new career, getting lots of attention from them, feeling very confident. I started to feel like I was getting more attention from people I barely knew than I was from my own husband. He never told me I was beautiful anymore. He didn't take me out on dates or buy me sweet little surprise gifts anymore. I guess he felt complacent in our relationship. Maybe had he known what I was feeling deep down inside, he may have tried a little harder, and that's my fault for not telling him.
It kills me to say it, to think about it at all, and especially to admit it, but I was unfaithful to my husband. Plain and simple, I betrayed him. No one ever wants to admit that. I always told myself I'd NEVER cheat on anyone I was with, EVER. And here I was in this terrible spot that I never envisioned myself being in. How did I get here? How could I let myself get to this point?
You try to tell yourself to forget it. Just pretend you never did it, act like it never happened, it'll go away. But it doesn't. It haunts you. And you know the moment it happens that things will never be the same again. Your marriage will never last now that you have done this, Anna. Congratulations on ruining your life.

After everything, I managed to write my husband a letter. I told him everything. Everything I had felt, everything I had done. I told him how sorry I was and how I will never forgive myself. I told him how I still love him no matter what and that I always will. He will always have a home in my heart. I will never stop hating myself for ruining something so beautiful, something so true. It may not have been perfect, but it had potential. I never let it grow though. I didn't give it a chance. I've never been good at relationships in my life, ever. I thought that the day I married my husband was the day that would all change. I thought I had finally found the one person who could fix me and make my life complete. What I didn't realize until now is that the person I was looking for was me. I needed to change me first and love me first before anything could be right.
If I could go back in time and change things of course I would. I would be honest and tell my husband exactly how I felt. But to be honest, I think we would still end up apart because now we are just two different people. We want different things in life now. Had I stayed the same, stayed fat and unhappy, then we would most likely still be together, but where would that get me in life?

I've never been one to take the easy route in life. I've always been the one in my family to "mess up." The black sheep, if you will. And I think after all this went down my family took it the hardest. My parents were so proud of me when I married Charlie. They loved him... absolutely adored him. They knew he was good for me. They knew he was safe...
Now I can only feel that my family has a hatred of me for what I did to my husband. Family gatherings have been very difficult. Feeling like you are being shunned by the people you love the most is very hard. I understand though. I know they feel betrayed too, so I can't blame them. It's just so hard when your sister who has always been your best friend your whole life, doesn't want to talk to you. You feel like an outcast when all your siblings go out and you're never invited. Not once did any of them ever ask how I was. Not a phone call or a text to see what happened, if I was ok. It hurt... really badly. But I try to understand their side of it. I'm just trying to give them time in hopes that one day things will return to the way they used to be. Where I can go over there for Thanksgiving dinner and feel accepted again. I just want my family to love me no matter what. And I want them to know that I'm so sorry for the pain that I have caused them through my life mistakes.

I'll admit, I am a tough girl. I can be mean, and angry, and sometimes violent. But I do have a soul. I do have a heart and feelings and though some people just look at me and think "Wow, what a bitch. She doesn't even care. She's probably not even sorry for what she did." Well you're wrong. You don't know how many nights I've stayed up crying, thinking to myself how hurtful I am. You don't know the pain I feel when I think of all the memories my husband and I shared and how that's all gone now. You don't know how it hurts so badly to think of our wedding day and how it immediately causes me to break down into tears. You don't know the excruciating pain of watching your husband cry as his whole world falls apart and knowing it's all your fault. The sleepless nights dreaming of him. The days of coming home from work and wanting to tell him about your day and remembering you cant. The hole in my heart from not being able to see my dog every day. The pictures. The wedding dress. The cards. The gifts. Everything...
So go ahead and judge me. Make up your own stories about what I've been through and tell all your buddies. Until you've walked a day in my shoes you'll never understand what I've been through and what I continue to go through on a daily basis.

I think that's all I can manage to explain for now. Writing this blog has brought me to tears. I hope that maybe this can help someone else who is going through something similar. You must follow your heart.

Anna

March Madness

Oops! I definitely meant to update my blog in March because I told myself "Ok, you need to update at least once a month." Fail! I'm close though, right? March was insanely busy, but fun, so I really didn't have the time!

First off we had an awesome day on March 7th! We started off at Alero in DC, having margs for happy hour and a few other delicious drinks. Then we went to The Brixton and drank on the roof top bar for a little bit, but it was so cold so we eventually went inside. After that we went to see Jim Bruer at the 930 club!! It was soooo funny, I've never laughed so hard in my life! What an awesome day!

2 days later we went to the Caps vs. Penguins game! I'm not a huuuuge hockey fan, but I did enjoy it. And afterwards we had some drinks at Clyde's:-) I wasn't up for too much drinking considering the day before was the St. Patty's Day Parade in Annapolis and I drank entirely too much. The surprising part was that I didn't eat the entire time I was drinking until last minute at around 11pm! That probably wasn't the wisest decision and I definitely felt it! But hey, I suppose it's better than the drunk pig outs I usually have!

On St. Patty's Day I went to the Irish Channel and hung out for a bit, but I had overtime that night and worked the next day, so I couldn't really party hard.

Then, the day finally came, my birthday! 26... yay... I really didn't want to get older, but it's inevitable, so I tried my best to enjoy it. We went to Atlantic City and had a great time. Spent the day at the pool bar getting way too drunk before dinner! It was so fun. The margaritas were STRONG and awesome!

After taking a power nap we got ready for dinner at Amada. It was in Revel hotel so we took a quick cab ride over there and headed in. WOW. SO amazing! It's a Spanish tapas restaurant and it was so awesome. We decided to do the Chef's Tasting Menu where they pick the plates for you! It was really exciting and a fun surprise every time they came to the table, which was a lot! The food was delicious and so unique. I loved every bite, especially the dessert! Not to mention our server was the best one I've ever had. He was absolutely great!

On March 28th I FINALLY took the plunge and bought a BRAND NEW 2014 Ford Fusion! I needed it so bad! My blazer was falling apart and sounded like it was going to break down at any minute. So I ventured out and purchased this beauty. I am in love with it!

At first I was going to get the basic version, but of course I ended up seeing the one with the appearance package and I couldn't resist! It has so many sweet options! Every time I sit here and think about it, I'm like "Is that car really mine?!" I've never, ever had something so nice in my life before. It's just so surreal!:-)

The following day was my Mom's birthday! I love that our birthdays are so close together. Not just because it makes it easy to remember, but because it makes me feel closer to her. I am her first baby girl anyways, so it's only fitting:-) Of course for both of our birthdays this year the weather did not cooperate! It was freezing on mine and raining on hers. All of this snow we've had can go screw itself. I've never been so fed up with the winter before! It's insane!

It's crazy that my mom is only 52 yet she has a 32 year old kid and an 18 year old kid! If I was my mom I would have had 3 kids by now! What the heck?? I don't have any and I can't imagine having even one right now! Life is way too fun right now and I couldn't give it up to devote all my time to someone else :-O

I give my mom a lot of credit for giving up so much of her life for us. We were her life. She spent every single day taking care of us, teaching us and helping us become who we are today. I dunno about all my siblings, but I'm happy with how I turned out. In some ways I feel like I'm kind of like my parents, in others I feel like I ended up trying to be opposite of them.

Regardless, we had a good time going out for her birthday. We got Pho and it was pretty delish. Afterwards we went back to the house and had some gluten free chocolate brownies and flan! All made by my sister, Roch. It was so delicious, I had to really hold myself back.

Speaking of holding myself back, I've been struggling a little bit lately. I was on a roll for awhile there. I got down to 154 which is pretty good for me. But after celebrating my birthday for practically a week, then celebrating a new car, and going out for my moms birthday... it caught up with me! So frustrating but I won't let it hold me back from going strong! If I give into these bad days, they turn into bad weeks and so on! That's the issue most people have; they let the downward spiral get to them. I refuse!

And finally, the last day of March we spent in Great Falls, VA. My friend Allison suggested that we go there and I had never been, so we ventured out there and it was great! We went on a day that was actually pretty warm and sunny out. The views were beautiful and so peaceful. Of course we didn't stay on the designated paths. It was way more fun to climb on rocks and be little billy goats!

Matt and I went exploring down this one cliff, it was really steep with lots of difficult rocks to get over, but once we got to the bottom it opened up to this really scenic view of the falls and that lead into a little stream that we had to jump over! It was so cute and quaint! While we were down there we just happened to run into this guy taking pictures with a fancy little camera. Of course Matt being the social person he is, went over there and started up a conversation with the guy.

He showed us some of the pictures he was taking and they were really good. Before we climbed back up our mountain, Matt asked him if he would take our picture, and he did! I gave him my email and he emailed them to me today! The quality is great! I love how they turned out. It was so nice of him to do that for us:-)

Soooo... that concludes my March! It was super busy but very productive! I may not have made any huge achievements weight loss wise, but I know I have definitely gained some muscle. I've been working really hard on getting more toned arms and abs. I definitely see a change in my arms and it just motivates me to try harder. I know if I can get my diet under control then my abs will eventually shine through!

Now that it is FINALLY starting to get nice out, I should be getting my run on way more often. I so look forward to long runs in the nice spring weather. And I really can't wait for my first race of the year! I just hope my knee cooperates with me! It's been acting up a little bit lately from too many squats, so I need to give it a little break:-/

I'm trying to leave the drama and emoness out of this blog! So I hope it wasn't too boring. I know people tend to like the drama, but I'll save it for now. I have been brewing up a real in depth blog in my head though. It's coming soon, when I feel like really letting it all out.

That's it for now! Happy April!

Anna

You Must Follow Your Heart

Well, I totally forgot that January 9th was my "Weight Loss Journey" anniversary. Usually I post a blog about how I started, how the process has been, and how it's still going, because when I decided to lose weight it wasn't just a temporary thing, it was an entire lifestyle change that I now realize will be a constant battle the rest of my life.

So it's been 3 years now since the day that I decided I would try my luck at "The Biggest Loser" competition being held at my old job at Children's Hospital. What did I have to lose? Just weight... or so I thought. But I never went into it thinking "Oh yeah, I'm totally gonna win this things and look so hot!" and blah blah blah. I just figured I'd give it a try and see what happened.

A whole lot more happened than I ever imagined. In the beginning, all I did was count my calories. I wasn't so interested in exercising, considering it sucked! Just walking made me winded. Walking up the steps to the 6th floor at work was an accomplishment for me back then. You gotta start somewhere right? Eventually I realized that if I wanted to lose more weight, I needed to give more effort. I started taking walks. Sometimes with Chief, sometimes without. On days it was really hot, I'd leave him at home because I didn't want him to overheat! I got to the point where I was going on 8 mile walks. I then thought to myself "Why not run?" It would challenge me way more and burn more calories in a shorter period of time than walking did.

I started doing some research and found the app "Couch to 5k" or c25k for short. It slowly introduced you into running by giving you long intervals of walking and short intervals of running. You would run 3 times a week and each week would increase in running to walking ratio. I remember the day that it asked me to run 8 minutes straight. I thought I would NEVER be able to do that. I was so scared to even attempt it, but if you never try, you'll never know. So I did it, and I finished that 8 minutes. And you know what's even cooler? I finished the whole 9 week program. I now thought of myself as a true runner.

I went from running my very first 5k to eventually running the Iron Girl Half Marathon in April 2012. I fell in love with running. The feeling of being free yet in control. Running on streets, dodging people and traffic. Running through woods and along streams. Running 10 miles and getting that second wind to go the remaining 3.1. Running with beautiful music, no thoughts in your mind, enjoying that feeling they call a "runners high"... yeah, there's no better feeling.

Running allowed me time to be by myself, mostly because no one wanted to run with me. It gave me lots of time to think about myself and my life. Where I was heading, what goals I wanted to accomplish, what dreams could come true. Running was MINE and it led me to so many other possibilities in life. I thank couch to 5k and running for saving my life. If it weren't for any of that, where would I be now?

Besides running, I started to do other workouts. I loved Jillian Michael's DVD's. I remember starting off with 30 day shred and feeling like I was going to die by the end. And when I attempted "Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism?" Yeah, umm, couldn't finish it! It was a 40 minute DVD... and I couldn't finish it. How out of shape was I? It's a real eye opener when you go through failures like that. You feel like such a loser and like you're the fattest person in the world. Now when I do that same DVD, I wonder why it was so hard for me to get through a couple of measly jumping jacks!

Slowly but surely I got through that video one day and I felt on top of the world. I felt like anything was possible now. My DVD collection grew and grew. Run, DVD, run, DVD, run, DVD... that's how my life was going. It didn't matter in what order I did it, or which video I did, or how many miles I ran. I just did SOMETHING. Because I knew that anything I was doing physically was better than what I was doing before, which was NOTHING.
I started to develop a love for exercise. It finally clicked in my brain that if I ate less, and moved more, the weight would continue to come off. And it did. Every weigh in at work was another 2 pounds off. I was melting before my eyes and it was amazing. I couldn't comprehend anymore why people thought losing weight was so hard. I was doing it, why couldn't they?

During the Biggest Loser competition, in 3 months, I lost 30 pounds. I couldn't believe it. I not only won half of the cash pot for losing the most weight individually, but I also won the other half for most weight lost in a team. What a big boost of confidence. I was on a roll and I knew I wasn't going to stop. If I could lose 30 pounds in 3 months, how much more could I continue to lose? I was still 200 pounds and I knew I wanted to weigh less than that and look better than I ever thought I could. I pushed on.

We had another competition with similar rules and rewards. I won for a second time. It was awesome to win for doing something that had now become normal to you. This was my new way of life and I was getting praised for it. I couldn't have been happier.

Things only continued to get better from then on out, for the most part. My life seemed so complete. I had a great job in the NICU working with my friends that I loved, I was married to the love of my life, I lived in a house, had a car, a dog, friends, family, and I was on the road to becoming a fit and healthy person. What more could I want, right? I was content.

Maybe when I was fat and okay with it, "content" was a good thing. Content was a feeling I could deal with. It meant I had what I needed... but not what I wanted, or deserved.
Going through the process of losing weight changed that. When you make the conscious decision to change your life, to lose all your bad habits, to stop eating the things you love, to cut back to probably a fourth of the calories you were eating before...
When you choose to workout over going out and having fun or staying in bed.
When you choose to go run after a 12 hour night shift because you know that's what's necessary to accomplish your goals.
When you realize that even if you have to do this on your own, you still march on because only YOU can change your life... Those are the kind of things you go through that make you say SCREW being content. Being content is for the lazy, and I am anything but lazy. I'm a goal maker. A dreamer. A fighter. And I will do anything to make my dreams become a reality and to make myself happy because when it all comes down to it, your own happiness is the most important thing. If you aren't happy in this life, nothing else matters.

I decided to make myself a happier person and go after what I truly wanted. I had been a volunteer at Berwyn Heights Fire Department for 8 years and I loved it. Most people question how you can go and sacrifice your spare time to volunteer. Taking hurt, sick or sometimes violent people to the hospital. Getting woken up at 3:00AM for someone who honestly just needs somewhere warm to sleep that night. Who does that for free? Because the truth is I love it. And I don't mind doing something I love for free. To me it's fun and exciting and I didn't care that I wasn't getting a paycheck for it.

But when you have an opportunity to do the exact same thing AND get paid for it? How could I resist?

The only thing that ever held me back from trying to get hired as a career firefighter/EMT was ME. My weight, my health, and my fear of failure. I knew in my mind that I would never be able to pass the CPAT because of the shape I was in. So why even bother, only to fail? So I never tried. But after a year of strict eating, religiously exercising and losing 80 pounds, I decided that I was finally ready to take on the challenge. I told myself I could do it and that I would finish the CPAT no matter what. And that I did. The day I passed the CPAT is one I will never forget and it was one of the first few steps that would lead to me getting the career of my dreams.

On March 12, 2012 I started the academy and the rest of my new life as a CAREER firefighter/EMT. I was amazed at myself and how far I had come. From a shy, timid, quiet fat girl with no aspirations to a strong, fit, healthy woman with a career in a well known fire department... life was GREAT.
Along the way I had support from lots of people. I had my friends, family and husband cheering me on. I had my consistent blog readers; my fans. I had cheerleaders there for me the whole time and I loved that. Having people that wanted to be updated on my progress was pretty cool. I felt loved, encouraged and supported.

But I felt that this was a lifestyle I was chasing on my own. I was becoming a whole new person individually. With every pound loss and every race ran, I was getting further and further away from my old self. I didn't want to be that same person anymore. I wanted to keep the good parts of me and forget all the bad. Nothing could physically hold me back from moving forward, but emotionally some things kept me at a stand still.
When you truly love someone, you will be there for them. Whether it be mentally, emotionally, or physically. When you marry someone, it's for better or worse, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health... Well how are you supposed to feel when someone doesn't want to join you in something that you love? How do you encourage someone to be with you in health, well all they want to do is be sick? You try to hold their hand and take them with you on the path to being thin... and they just want to stay thick...

You start to feel alone in your journey to happiness. You start to feel discouraged and shut down. You question if you're doing the right thing by changing yourself into a better person. Is sacrificing your own happiness for someone else's the right thing to do? That's something I thought about for a long time. When you set out on a journey to better yourself and the person you love is never there by your side to share that journey with you, it makes you feel pretty lonely. When you try to express your new found love and passion for fitness and they don't celebrate in your excitement, it's like a slap in the face.
When you try your hardest to encourage and help and support and you just get shut down every time? It's not a feeling you're sure you can live with for the rest of your life.

Some may say I'm selfish. Some may call me cold hearted or obsessed. You might think I'm too involved in fitness and nutrition and that I let my personal life get lost in all action. Most people can't even understand my passion for fitness to begin with, so how could they comprehend my decisions in life? If you haven't walked a day in my shoes, then you don't know. You aren't in my head and you aren't in my heart, so you will never know exactly how it is to be me. I don't expect anyone to understand me and that's completely okay with me. I'm not asking for acceptance or pity or praise. I'm not asking anything of anyone. All I'm doing is telling my story. Maybe you can learn from it. Maybe it will frustrate you. Maybe it will help you change your life. Who knows.

I did what my heart told me to do. Sometimes it's hard to listen to your heart when your head is telling you something different. Do you play it safe or do you do what's right? If your own happiness means hurting someone else and breaking their heart, do you still go through with it? Most people live their lives worrying about what other people think and not thinking about their own happiness. People will lie to keep others happy. People will go against what their heart tells them if it means being accepted by others. That's not me. I'm done with being a pushover. I'm not a scared little weakling anymore. I'm strong, not only physically but mentally as well and the things I have been through and the pain I have not only suffered, but caused, has helped me to become the kind of person I am today. Like I always tell people who ask me if I regret anything in my past... No, I do not regret anything in my past. I would never change anything about my past because I LOVE the person I am today. I'm happy with myself and my life and if I were to go back in time and change my history, things would not be what they are today.

What started as just a competition to lose weight has become a journey to become a better person. My goals went from wanting to weigh 140 pounds and look "skinny" to wanting to be a strong woman who can perform her job just as well, if not better, than others. I used to want to look "hot" for others... now I want to be a beautiful person in MY eyes. I could care less what ANYONE thinks about me or the decisions I have made. I will continue to live my life the best I can. To makes goals and surpass them.

What started as a dream has become a reality... so I will keep on dreaming.

Anna

Now Years Seem to Pass as We Blink Our Eyes



I feel like I was writing this same exact post just yesterday. Time is going by faster than ever and I don't like it.
As I was looking through my pictures to recap the year, I was getting confused as to which pictures were actually from 2013. I feel so old now. Things throughout the year used to stand out to me. I used to remember what presents I got for Christmas and what I did for my birthday. Now? I can't seem to remember anything to save my life!
Looking back at it, 2013 was an interesting year to say the least. It started out great. The picture on the left was January 1, 2013. We had 2 working fires that day and it was very cool. That's my partner Eddie. My favorite guy who always had my back. Eddie is like a brother to me and I can never repay him for all that he's done for me and for how much he taught me. Unfortunately we aren't on the same shift anymore, so we don't get to work together now. It makes me pretty sad.


I had lots of fun times in 2013. Lots of short trips and fun nights out. During the summer things got pretty care free. I did not concentrate on my diet much. I still worked out plenty, but I wasn't giving it 100% like I could have been, so I definitely put on a little bit of weight. Especially while in North Carolina. Being there for a week and drinking Margaritas every day definitely wasn't the best for me. But I did manage to work out every day that I was there and for that I was proud.

My summer was mostly about having fun, getting tan, and drinking. I wasn't very productive when it came down to it. I did progress in my driving abilities at work but most of that has gone to waste now considering I don't get to ever drive on my new shift. But at least I got to start and get some practice in.

I wish I would have put more effort into relationships and friendships in 2013. I've never been the best at making or keeping friends it seems. I guess I can be somewhat shy. Some people may think I come off as stand offish or bitchy, but I don't try to be at all.

When I left Children's Hospital back in March 2012, I left behind a great group of girls. Luckily for me we continued to stay friends outside of work. We had some great times together. I loved that they made me still feel included in their group even though I didn't work with them anymore.

Unfortunately, it seems that friendships always find a way to drift apart. It's especially sad when friendships end because of rumors and assumptions. Is it my fault? Mutual? I don't know. All I know is that I wish I still felt accepted in some way. I wish I still had my friends to talk to and gossip with. Friends that could listen to my problems and give me advice. Sadly though I feel like I am the biggest thing to gossip about these days. Luckily I still have my select few friends that I know I can always count on and who will always be there for me, through my good times and bad.

As summer started to fade it seemed as though other things did as well. I became consumed in working out, eating right, working and being as involved in the CPAT process as I could. For me that was my outlet. That is where I felt happiness and content. Like I was serving a purpose and I was appreciated.

Maybe I was hurtful or neglectful in my ways. Maybe while trying to better myself and make myself happy, I hurt others. It's hard to know what's going on when no one ever talks to you. When there's no communication, nothing gets changed.

Feeling distant from a loved one is not a good feeling. Feeling like you lost a connection or a bond... it really hurts. When you're feeling lost and confused and you just want someone to tell you the answers but no one is there to listen... that's how I felt. That's how I still feel sometimes. Life can be so overwhelming and sometimes you just have no clue what to do. I never thought that I'd go through the things I have so far at my age. Life has been filled with so many ups and downs. It seems as though through the progress and success I have made for myself, I've hurt others in the process.

When I set out on my journey to lose weight I never would have expected that it would change so many things. I thought that I would look good and be happier with myself. I never imagined it changing my attitude, my personality, my likes and dislikes, and my whole outlook on life in general.

It's difficult to go through changes like that and not be affected emotionally. It's like you're not sure who you are and you kind of want your old self back, minus all the fat. Even though my confidence has gone up from 0 to something, I still struggle daily to accept myself for who I am and be happy with how far I've come. It's also extremely hard to be happy with your new self when the person you are now has caused other people pain. What are you supposed to do when someone loves the old you, and not the new you?

Weight loss is just SO MUCH MORE than losing fat. You have the possibility to lose so many other things, as well as gain things you never thought possible. I didn't imagine myself being the kind of person I am now. Even though I frustrate myself sometimes, I am happy that I stay true to myself, regardless of what other think. In the end I try to make myself happy because I know that is what is most important, my happiness.

Unless you have gone through the same journey as me, walked the same steps as me, in my shoes... then you will never know how it feels to be me. The end of 2013 was tough. It is still tough. Nobody truly knows what I have gone through and what I'm still dealing with. It's going to be a long, tough road but I'm lucky to have some important people in my life who love me and who are there for me.

Even though there are days that I feel my family doesn't love me anymore, days that I feel like I'm a terrible friend, days that I feel like the worst person on the planet... I still push on. I stay dedicated and committed to creating a better life for myself. To staying in shape and being healthy. Whether I continue this journey all alone or not, I will never give up. I've worked too hard and lost too much to ever go back to the old me. That person is long gone.

Just remember when you're feeling down, when you feel like a failure, when you feel alone and like no one is on your side... remember that somewhere, someone else is experiencing something similar. And don't let it deter you from being the best person you can be. Take that sadness and turn it into fuel to push yourself harder.

 

Sad or not... I'll never let anything keep me back from being a better me.

 

Anna

 

 

 

 

From A to B

Alright, so I don't have any pictures for this blog because I've had some phone issues lately and also I'm just feeling kind of lazy. Some of you know that I had a majorly cracked screen on my phone for awhile and when I FINALLY used my insurance to get a new one, they sent me a freaking refurbished phone. I mean really? How does that even make sense. I pay $10 a month to have insurance and it was $170 for the actual phone... why would I get a crappy used one?! Well, I didn't think it was going to be a problem, but with my luck, it was!

I thought it was the Lifeproof case I put on it and that I was having trouble adjusting to it, so I finally took it off only to realize that it was the actual phone screen itself that wasn't working. So then I had to call and they talked me through doing a factory reset, that didn't work so they just ended up sending me a new one - a BRAND NEW one! Jeez. Either way, I ended up losing whatever pictures I hadn't saved since my last sync with iTunes. Whatever!

I'm currently laying in bed having a lazy day because work yesterday was ridiculous. I would end up working on the day it snows/sleets/freezing rains/world ices over... whatever you wanna call it! It was crappy and coldddddddd!
I hadn't mentioned lately, but I recently (2 shifts ago) got moved from A shift to B shift, but I'm still at 32. The transfer was a bit of a surprise and I wasn't too happy at first, but I'm dealing with it now.
I was really sad to leave at first because A shift has been all I've known for the past year and 5 months. I loved my crew, I knew lots of people from A shift in the battalion, and it was just what I was used to. They moved me because I'm technically a "driver" and B shift just lost one of their drivers to another station. So, their brilliant plan was to move me to B, and a non driver from C to A. Kinda confusing, I know. But that's the deal and I had no say in the matter.

I didn't think I would be doing much driving considering the Technician is on that shift, but, to my surprise, I was driving yesterday! My second shift! I wasn't too thrilled with driving in the nasty weather but I'd have to do it eventually, so might as well get it over with!
I drove the truck to a box in Charles county. We never made it, but I at least got to see how that monster handles in the snow. Then we ran lots of engine calls - mostly med locals and crashes. But, at 0130, I wake up to 3 beeps and it turns out to be a first due house fire.
When you get woken up from your sleep like that, you don't even really have time to be nervous. I just had in my mind what I needed to do as the first due engine... which is what I THOUGHT we would be. Turns out 29's engine was literally right down the street from the call, so they ended up being first due.

I won't go into a ton of details because not everyone who reads this is in the fire department so I don't want to bore anyone with my work talk! Either way, the whole call kind of ended up being a cluster f**k and it was a huge challenge for me to overcome. The main thing was that we got water to the first due engine... even if I did have to freeze my hands off in the process of trying to hook hose up to frozen hydrants and what not! That's just part of the job you have to deal with and I know that. Granted I would have loved my first fire (while driving) to be a little more ideal than this one... it was still a great learning experience and now I know better for the next time!

Besides work, things have been going much better when it comes to my progress with eating better and working out. I'm not sure what gave me the motivation, but I just decided that I finally needed to suck it up and get some will power! Food is not everything. I don't NEED it to have fun. I don't need to eat it just because it's there in front of me.
Sometimes I wonder if the way I was raised has anything to do with my eating habits. In no way am I blaming my parents, but just the way we lived... it makes me wonder. My mom would usually cook breakfast and dinner for us. Lunch was pretty much do your own thing. Seconds were never questioned or denied and finishing your plate was a must. We also developed the tradition of McDonald's breakfast on weekend mornings, and Taco Bell after church on Sunday became a routine for our family.

I never, ever grew up with any kind of lessons on eating healthy or exercising. My sister Roch and I were the only ones in our family that ever played any team sports. That seemed to keep us in a decent amount of shape. But diet? My mom wasn't the type to makes "healthy" meals or force us to eat our vegetables. She never mentioned "hey, you're eating a little too much, no need to stuff yourself" etc. It just wasn't a big deal in our family.
It wasn't until I finally decided to start losing weight and I downloaded Myfitnesspal that I realized, WOW, I was eating TERRIBLY! I never realized how many calories are in things. If you don't read the labels on foods, you have no clue what you're putting into your body. It's shocking. I highly encourage people to just download Myfitnesspal and just go about your day how you normally would. Add in all the food you eat and see what your total is at the end of the day. I bet you will be very surprised at how much you really eat!

Back to what I was really talking about to begin with, I've been doing MUCH better. I have been using Myfitnesspal religiously and it truly has helped. As long as I hold myself accountable for what I eat, I can stay in line. It's when I start pretending that I didn't really eat something that it gets to me. That stuff adds up quick. You think you're just having a snack here and there, then bam! 800 calories later...
I can tell a difference already when I look at myself in the mirror. And of course, my main weight indicator, my work pants! They are fitting soooo much better! I love it. I love this feeling of making progress and actually accomplishing something. It feels great to be reminded that hey, watching what you eat really DOES work!

We need to stop being in denial about what we eat. I think that is the main issue a lot of us have. If you don't think about that twinkie you ate, then it's like you didn't even eat it. And that 1 chip that turns into a handful that turns into 5 handfuls. It adds up SO quick and you just don't realize how many extra calories you are putting into your body. Plus, if you aren't doing any type of exercise, then you have no room for error. My daily calorie goal is 1,200. That's with the intention of losing 2lbs per week. If I burn 500 calories, then I should eat 1,700 calories that day. If I burn 1,000 like I usually try to do, then I need to eat 2,200! That's why I workout so much, because I rather have 2,200 calories then 1,200! It is so much harder than you think to eat 1,200 calories a day and feel satisfied. I've become pretty good at putting super low calorie foods together to make decent size meals. I much rather eat pounds and pounds of lettuce and make myself feel full than eat 1 tiny cookie that doesn't serve any nutritional purpose and still leaves me feeling hungry.

Anyhoo! Sorry, I guess that was a bit of a rant, but it was just something I wanted to talk about because I think a lot of people are just totally in the dark when it comes to diet, exercise and calories in vs. calories out. Sometimes I just feel the need to preach a little:-)

This past Saturday was the final CPAT and it made me feel great. It was kind of disappointing in the beginning. We had lots of people failing right off the bat. But towards the end of the day, we were having a lot of people getting through it. I was so happy when one of the girls who comes to EVERY fitness conditioning session, and up until this point had not passed, PASSED! She almost brought me to tears because she was SO happy that she passed. You could see the relief and excitement and ACCOMPLISHMENT on her face! It just brought me back to the day that I passed CPAT and the feeling that I felt once I finished. I had to give her the biggest hug and she thanked me so much for being an inspiration to her. That... that is the thing that keeps me going and keeps me motivated. There's nothing better than being told that you are an inspiration to someone:-)
Another guy shook my hand and thanked me for all my help in the process. Things like that bring the biggest smile to my face.

So yes, things are really headed in the right direction. I just really, really need to keep myself on track this time. I'm feeling great, I'm looking better and my confidence is going up. I'm kind of sad that CPAT is over and I won't be helping out people anymore. It's something that really keeps me motivated and is just another reason for me to go workout! These people are my encouragement and they keep me going! I can't wait for another group to come around.

I suppose that's all I have for now. I hope that this can be of some help to someone out there! As always, I thank everyone for reading my blog. I'll continue to try and update more regularly:-)

xoxoxo,
Anna