I'm sure that everyone I know has made their assumptions about my life and my issues. People make up whatever they want to in their minds and then feel the need to share it with others. I guess talking bad about me makes themselves feel better, like they don't have any problems of their own...
It used to bother me; hearing false stories about myself. Now I just realize that I must be that cool and popular that people feel the need to waste their time thinking about me, talking about me, and hating on me. I don't know about you, but I would much rather utilize my time in a better way. But that's just me. Onto the point of this blog...
No one ever pictures their marriage ending in divorce. At least I would hope not. I know the thought never once crossed my mind. The day you get married is the happiest day of your life. It's a day you count down till. A day that all your closest friends and family witness you making the biggest decision of your life. Of course I was 100% sure that it was what I wanted to do. No doubt in my mind. From walking down the isle, to holding my husbands hands and speaking the words "'till death do us part" out of my mouth... I was sure. So what changed? How do you lose that?
You know how they say "You must first love yourself before you can love others?" I didn't. I did not love anything about myself. I hated the way I looked. I hated the way I looked at life. I didn't love my job. The one and ONLY thing I loved in life was my husband. He was the only thing good in my life. The only thing I had to be proud of. I devoted myself to him and committed my whole self being to him because I had nothing else in life worth living for.
My husband was great. He had his life together. A career, a house, a car, a great family, a heartwarming smile, a laugh that warmed my soul. He cared for me so much and would do anything for me. I was his number one priority. He made me happy no matter what it was I wanted or needed. He took care of me, he boasted about me to his friends and family, he showed me off and was proud of me, even if I never thought any of that about myself. Nothing else in life seemed to matter as long as my husband loved me. And he did. He loved me so much for exactly who I was.
But one fateful day in January 2011 I made the decision to, for once in my life, focus on me. I'm not sure what made this time different than any other time I tried to lose weight, but this time worked. So quickly things started to change. First it was my diet, then I started walking, then running, then workout videos at home. My body was changing right in front of my eyes faster than I could realize. I couldn't believe that I was finally losing weight. After years of being fat I was finally on my way to becoming the person I really wanted to be. Every time I looked in the mirror I saw changes. Physical changes. I never once realized just how much I was changing mentally and emotionally. I never thought that those first 20 pounds lost would lead to 50 pounds lost and eventually to 81 pounds lost total. I didn't think that my fat disappearing would lead to some of my characteristics and personality traits disappearing.
Maybe while I was too busy changing me, I wasn't paying attention to my biggest supporters. Instead of thinking of my husband as being there for me mentally, I looked at him as not being there for me physically. I wondered to myself "Why can't he do what I'm doing? Why doesn't he work out with me or eat healthy with me?" I started to get frustrated. I started to feel the distance. I felt alone. Even though I had so many people cheering me on and complimenting me on my weight loss... I felt so alone on my journey.
After the initial weight loss, my whole life started to morph. I left my job of 4 years at Children's Hospital and started the academy with Prince George's County Fire Department. It was my dream job. I had always wanted to be a career firefighter/EMT and knew in my heart that it would never be a possibility because of my weight. Here I was making "just a dream" come true and I couldn't have been happier. I worked my ass off to get that job and I deserved it. My husband was there for me every step of the way throughout the academy. He did my laundry, shined my shoes and packed my lunch. It was nice being able to come home every day and vent to him, knowing that he understood exactly what I was going through.
During the academy I gained weight and fell off track with my diet and fitness routine. Concentrating on being a recruit was all that mattered to me at the time.
I got through the academy and graduated on June 11th, 2012. Graduation day was so special to me, and even more special because my husband got to pin me. It was a happy moment for both of us.
Time went on, work was great, I joined a gym and got back on track, everything was good. Everything was... normal. Life was routine. Love was routine. I started to realize that even hearts can become complacent too. Many days I thought to myself "Is this all life has to offer me?" No, it wasn't. But I had to go out and find what more life had in store for me instead of sitting around waiting for it.
When I worked in the NICU I made a lot of friends. Girl friends. Although it wasn't really until I lost the weight that I felt they actually accepted me. It felt good to be part of a "group" and always get invited to parties and gatherings. It was something I never got to experience being homeschooled and all.
After leaving Children's, it started to dawn on me that I was highly influenced by my friends. I saw all of them getting married and I had wanted that too. I wanted to dress like them, and get the same bags they had. I wanted to have a life like theirs. Their cookie cutter lives...
Now I found myself IN a cookie cutter life, realizing that my next step would be kids, right? But how could I? I had just spent a whole year working harder than I ever have to get the body and life I truly wanted. I was finally fit and I actually enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror, how could I ruin that by getting pregnant? Nope, kids were not in my cards yet.
The more I started looking at my life as an algorithm the more I wanted to change. I didn't want to follow the steps that most typical people follow. I wanted to go against the grain and do my own thing. Meanwhile I am in love with someone who wants the exact opposite of me. I workout, he doesn't. I eat healthy, he doesn't. He wants kids, I don't. With all of the clashing needs and wants, I started to feel distant. I couldn't understand why my husband didn't want to live the life I was living. Why couldn't he get on the same page as me? He could workout and lose weight and then we'd be happy and fit together. Things would be great. But I would never get to find that out.
He tried a few times to lose weight. I'd be really supportive of him and praise him for doing so well. It made me happy if he ate healthy meals with me or took a walk/run with me. But whenever he'd quit, it would just be a shot to my heart. I loved him, but I also loved my new healthy lifestyle. I wanted the two to collide so badly but he just didn't want the same things as me.
I found myself getting more and more bitter as the days went on. I felt hostile. I would lash out for no reason. I would get mad at any little thing he said. What was happening to me? I was supposed to be happy and loving my new life. Instead I felt so angry and misunderstood.
At a time in my life when I had absolutely everything I could want, I still felt as though I was missing something. I felt so alone and empty. Like no one wanted to join me on my new adventures in life, like I couldn't share this new outlook I had with anyone but myself. I was losing my friends, losing my family, and losing the love I had for my husband. Nothing hurts more than realizing you don't feel the same way you did on your wedding day.
You start to look for outlets to make you happy. What could I fill the void in my life with? Working out wasn't helping, I didn't have many friends to turn to, my parents wouldn't understand. I was just pretending to love my life when deep down inside I knew it wasn't what I wanted. I needed a change.
Instead of talking to my husband and sharing my feelings with him like I should have, I held it in. I couldn't tell him that I was losing feelings for him. How do you break that to someone who loves you so much? I just couldn't tell him. I was too scared.
With my new looks I started to realize I was getting more attention from guys. I wasn't used to that. When I was fat I never got compliments. I never got hit on or flirted with. I found my husband because we both connected spiritually and realized that our personalities were so similar and we fell in love with each others SOULS. It wasn't the physical attraction. Granted we both liked the way each other looked, but that wasn't what our relationship was built on.
Now, here I was surrounded by men in my new career, getting lots of attention from them, feeling very confident. I started to feel like I was getting more attention from people I barely knew than I was from my own husband. He never told me I was beautiful anymore. He didn't take me out on dates or buy me sweet little surprise gifts anymore. I guess he felt complacent in our relationship. Maybe had he known what I was feeling deep down inside, he may have tried a little harder, and that's my fault for not telling him.
It kills me to say it, to think about it at all, and especially to admit it, but I was unfaithful to my husband. Plain and simple, I betrayed him. No one ever wants to admit that. I always told myself I'd NEVER cheat on anyone I was with, EVER. And here I was in this terrible spot that I never envisioned myself being in. How did I get here? How could I let myself get to this point?
You try to tell yourself to forget it. Just pretend you never did it, act like it never happened, it'll go away. But it doesn't. It haunts you. And you know the moment it happens that things will never be the same again. Your marriage will never last now that you have done this, Anna. Congratulations on ruining your life.
After everything, I managed to write my husband a letter. I told him everything. Everything I had felt, everything I had done. I told him how sorry I was and how I will never forgive myself. I told him how I still love him no matter what and that I always will. He will always have a home in my heart. I will never stop hating myself for ruining something so beautiful, something so true. It may not have been perfect, but it had potential. I never let it grow though. I didn't give it a chance. I've never been good at relationships in my life, ever. I thought that the day I married my husband was the day that would all change. I thought I had finally found the one person who could fix me and make my life complete. What I didn't realize until now is that the person I was looking for was me. I needed to change me first and love me first before anything could be right.
If I could go back in time and change things of course I would. I would be honest and tell my husband exactly how I felt. But to be honest, I think we would still end up apart because now we are just two different people. We want different things in life now. Had I stayed the same, stayed fat and unhappy, then we would most likely still be together, but where would that get me in life?
I've never been one to take the easy route in life. I've always been the one in my family to "mess up." The black sheep, if you will. And I think after all this went down my family took it the hardest. My parents were so proud of me when I married Charlie. They loved him... absolutely adored him. They knew he was good for me. They knew he was safe...
Now I can only feel that my family has a hatred of me for what I did to my husband. Family gatherings have been very difficult. Feeling like you are being shunned by the people you love the most is very hard. I understand though. I know they feel betrayed too, so I can't blame them. It's just so hard when your sister who has always been your best friend your whole life, doesn't want to talk to you. You feel like an outcast when all your siblings go out and you're never invited. Not once did any of them ever ask how I was. Not a phone call or a text to see what happened, if I was ok. It hurt... really badly. But I try to understand their side of it. I'm just trying to give them time in hopes that one day things will return to the way they used to be. Where I can go over there for Thanksgiving dinner and feel accepted again. I just want my family to love me no matter what. And I want them to know that I'm so sorry for the pain that I have caused them through my life mistakes.
I'll admit, I am a tough girl. I can be mean, and angry, and sometimes violent. But I do have a soul. I do have a heart and feelings and though some people just look at me and think "Wow, what a bitch. She doesn't even care. She's probably not even sorry for what she did." Well you're wrong. You don't know how many nights I've stayed up crying, thinking to myself how hurtful I am. You don't know the pain I feel when I think of all the memories my husband and I shared and how that's all gone now. You don't know how it hurts so badly to think of our wedding day and how it immediately causes me to break down into tears. You don't know the excruciating pain of watching your husband cry as his whole world falls apart and knowing it's all your fault. The sleepless nights dreaming of him. The days of coming home from work and wanting to tell him about your day and remembering you cant. The hole in my heart from not being able to see my dog every day. The pictures. The wedding dress. The cards. The gifts. Everything...
So go ahead and judge me. Make up your own stories about what I've been through and tell all your buddies. Until you've walked a day in my shoes you'll never understand what I've been through and what I continue to go through on a daily basis.
I think that's all I can manage to explain for now. Writing this blog has brought me to tears. I hope that maybe this can help someone else who is going through something similar. You must follow your heart.
Anna
